When you are raised with a sister only 18 months older than you, and are told to share EVERYTHING, you usually become pretty close. Brittney and I were inseparable. We did everything together and went every where together.
When we were little we always talked of having joint weddings, kids the same age and on and on. Britt got married two years before I did which knocked out the dream of a double wedding and about a year into her marriage, when she became pregnant that knocked out the dream of having kids the same age. My niece was born 9 days before our wedding and ever since my sister and I planed to have her next child and our first child around the same time. We talked about it for months.
Finally it was Bron and my time to start trying for a baby. Britt and I thought it would be great if I got pregnant first, she could get pregnant a few months later and the kiddo's would only be a few months a part. Well, one negative test after another quickly started closing in on my sister's time line of when she was going to start trying.
We had been trying for a year when I got the call from my sister that she was pregnant. I called Bronson crying and didn't talk to my sister for a couple of days. Being close with Brittney I couldn't keep from talking to her though. It was hard for a while and when she started showing it made it really really hard, but we got over those hurdles. Another thing about being close with Brittney is that I have more freedom with her children than most Aunt's ever get. Her children call me "momma miki" and I can do anything and everything with them. It makes it exciting knowing that I will have a baby in my arms and a toddler to play with even though they are not "my" children.
I have been praying for strength to help me make it through the first few days of my period. In the past when I started I would cry for days and have a lifelessness to me. Now, I pray to God to help me through and I have done ok. The news I still don't take well is "I'm pregnant" from other people.
When we first started trying all our friends were having their first baby and now those same friends are pregnant with their second. It happens at least 2 to 3 times a week that we will hear of another friend being pregnant. The longer it takes us to get pregnant the harder it is to hear those words.
The other night I got a text message from my brother telling me that he had to tell me something. I instantly knew what it was and told him not to tell me. He responded with "ok, just didn't want you hearing it second hand". I told him that I wouldn't be able to speak to him for a while due to the pain it caused and that was that. I sat and cried all night, all the next morning, at church in class, on the car ride home, and in the car going to lunch. My heart was cut open.
The next day he sent the rest of the family a message that said "special announcement" coming soon. A few hours later everyone but Bronson and I got a picture message with my nephew wearing a "I'm the big brother shirt".
Did I mention to you that MY sister and I wanted to have kids the same age, and did I mention to you that both pregnancies MY sister has been pregnant with my sister in law. My niece and nephew are only 5 months a part and these babies will be 6 months a part. It tore my heart to know that they are the ones sharing in the dream I hoped to share in.
You should see it at holidays and family functions. It is all about Pheonix and Samuel and them being together. Watching them take cousin pictures knowing you are supposed to have a baby in that picture as well. Having the grandparents picture knowing they should have another grandchild on their laps. It is so painful, but I'm not allowed to show pain or sadness. All I can show is a fake smile and fake happiness.
I tell myself that every time someone cuts my heart open with the words "I'm expecting" or "I'm pregnant" that it is just God opening my heart more so that I can share and feel more and more love for my child when it gets here.
