Purpose in Life

These past few weeks have been good. I have not blocked the most recent pregnant couples on facebook and I even unblocked one of them earlier this week. Bronson and I made it through Father’s day without tears and didn’t even skip church that day. I was telling my sister- in- law to be, this past weekend, that I KNOW our time is coming soon. I can tell that something is different and the way things are working out that God is putting his arms around me and whispering that our dreams are about to come true. He is holding me tight because they still have not happened but the calming of my Father in heaven whispering “It’s alright baby, just hold on a little longer” gives me hope and strength to move forward in a positive way daily. I know that God will bless us with children one day for God did not make me to love children with as much passion as I do just to take that ability away from me. God does not give you a gift in life and never allow you to use your gift. It is with this mindset that I have FULL confidence that our time is coming. We just have to be patient for it.

Bronson and I have so much to look forward to with the purchase of our house coming up. We go to it weekly to see what new things they have done to build it. We have finally put our minds on something other than our childless home. We are busy with design appointments, picking out the counter tops, cabinets, carpet and so much more. We have always dreamed of owning a home together but the money was never there. We finally stopped wasting money on failed fertility treatments and put it in something that when God blesses us with children, will in return bless our children to have a home. We still have three more months here with my parents, but time will fly and as soon as we know it we will be settling into our first home together.

When I opened up my devotional book, the first couple of pages screamed out to me. It was exactly what I was writing my blog about. “Purpose in Life”

Purpose in Life

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me.

Psalms 138:8

Infertility can turn your world upside down. It can derail your plans, causing you to feel helpless to get back on track. You may question your purpose in life, wondering what you are meant to do if children are not in your future (or at least your immediate future). Depression can overwhelm you as you scramble to adjust to this unwelcome dissolution of your plans and dreams.

God’s Word promises us that, however we feel, we do have a heavenly purpose and God will fulfill it. That purpose might differ from the one you’ve designed for yourself, or it may be the same but with a different timeline. Because God has a purpose for you and for this suffering, you have no responsibility to create the purpose or bring it to pass. You are responsible only to look to God for guidance as He reveals His purpose for your life, and then act in obedience to this calling and to His Word.

Your life has purpose, and this purpose remains despite your current crisis of infertility. In fact, it may well be that this crisis forms a large part of God’s purpose for you. Throughout the Bible, suffering became the catalyst for dynamic healing and spiritual growth. When we suffer, we are more likely to turn to God and willingly to follow His leading. We become much more likely to listen and obey when we believe God can grant us relief. God, in His mercy, will not allow our sorrows to be wasted. He promises that we won’t suffer in vain if we turn to Him in our heartache.

The victory of Jesus on the cross means that we are not bound by apparent reality, but by Truth. What seems to be the end is only the beginning. What enemies intended to use to break our hearts becomes the very thing that brings healing and opens our mouths wide in joyful song. The piercing loneliness of infertility becomes a blessing as God reveals incredible comforts and helps us in turn to comfort others. God is shaping you for a great purpose—His purpose, and you can find strength for the battle today by remembering that He WILL fulfill this vision!

Lord, perhaps we can’t see Your clear purpose in our waiting for a child, but it eases our pain to know You do indeed have a plan. Help us to remember that every little obstacle, every lonely week that passes and every month that disappoints us is moving us toward the fulfillment of Your plan, not away from it.

Weekend Escape

So mother’s day has come and gone, and was probably one of the best weekends I have had in a long time, thanks to Bronson for planning a weekend escape. We enjoyed the weekend by making first time memories together of places never been and lasting experiences of somewhat sketchy hotels and more. We also were blessed to meet up with a friend of mine who lives outside of Nashville, enjoying fun conversations over the best Bar-B-Q! Another amazing thing about this past weekend was all the thoughts, text, and letters I received from friends and family saying they were thinking of me and praying for me. I was overwhelmed with emotion that people were remembering me on Mother’s day. Bronson and I also purposely skipped Church (which we NEVER do) but I figured God would understand. He knows the pain we go through and Mother’s day is not in the bible (at least that’s how I justified it).

It was also an emotional day for the fact that one year ago, yesterday, we stayed at the hospital with our dear friends who were told earlier that morning their precious twin girls didn’t make it. So we sat and cried, prayed and questioned God while we waited for their birth and last day of life all at once. My friend was the first thing I thought of waking up Sunday and was the first person I contacted. Thankfully God has blessed them and they are expecting again (she is in labor as I type this) and I know that yesterday was so bittersweet for her. Such a sweet person who is already a mother but does not have her girls to hold, yet she has a beautiful baby boy who is waiting to make his arrival.

Unfortunately, Bronson and I were rained out of our adventures we had planned for Sunday. Instead we stayed in bed a little longer, checked out, and drove home in the pouring rain. It rained all day. I ended the day by doing something that basically defeated the purpose of “escaping” Mother’s day, which was going to the hospital to see my boss’s new grandbaby, and before that was going and buying him tiny clothes. I told mom I was nervous and got a little teary eyed on the way to the hospital but thankfully I held it together once we got there. I tried to make sure I didn’t pay attention to my surroundings, and I for sure avoided the nursery like crazy! God was with me and allowed my emotions to flee the whole time we were there. To me that was a sign of strength I didn’t know I had. After that, mom and I went and ate sushi. I do not think she knew it but it helped so much to talk and enjoy funny stories from our weekend before coming home and just sitting, for when I just sit, I think, and thinking is not a good thing for me. Especially when I leave a hospital full of new babies on Mother’s day!

Overall, because of how big “mankind” has made Mother’s day I couldn’t escape it for good but it was fun trying and it was nice getting away, just Bronson and me.

This weekend ties into the devotional I would like to share today. Even though some will say I “ran away” this weekend I think of it more as knowing I couldn’t get away from it but by planning activities it helped me to stay strong and focus on something other than “I am not a mother”. And by going to the labor and delivery section of the hospital to visit a family who just gave birth shows that I choose to “march on”.

You’re in the Army Now!

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, DO NOT FEAR; I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

New recruits to the armed services go on torturous marches, carry heavy gear on their backs, and often walk through terrible conditions. They can’t stop, get precious few rest stops, and no one asks how they feel about the journey. Recruits who cannot complete the march suffer shame and humiliation and often get discharged from service.

You too, may feel as though you’ve been drafted against your will into the long march of infertility. Suddenly you’re sloshing through unpleasant conditions, heavy burdens weighing down your shoulders.

Are you short of breath, worn out, and unsure whether to go on? Should you give up and accept defeat? If so, you may have reached what military recruits call The Hump, the critical junction where you choose between defeat or against-all-odds endurance. Recruits know that although they face great battle of physical endurance, the battle of their minds to stay on the course is even greater.

Our testing ground is spiritual as well as mental. We can choose to sit down in despair and defeat, exclaiming that God cannot love us if He allowed this march against our will and amid these terrible conditions. Or we can choose to give away our agenda and give up our fears- into the hands of a loving God. We can decide to trust Him for the final outcome, regardless of what that might be.

If you have reached The Hump, you are nearing the end of your own power. You cannot complete this march relying on your own ability and with your own resources. You will feel tempted to plop down, to quit trying for a child, and to give up on God entirely. You can choose to stop this relentless march. You can weep for what you do not have and what has not been done and leave behind your faith in a just a loving God. Or you can walk on, receiving your strength from the outstretched arms of an unseen but ever-faithful God. God asks that we continue this march only on the promise that He is good and that He will provide whatever we need, when we need it.

You can end this march in one of two ways. Retreat and never conquer-or abandon the weight of fears and personal agendas and resolutely walk on in faith. The choice is yours.

Lord, when we grow tired and do not know if we should quit or continue, please allow us rest and refreshment. Encourage us and give us strength. Increase our faith so that we can believe in Your overwhelming love and direction more than we believe in the apparent reality of our circumstances. Help us not to focus in anger at the circumstances or the seeming injustice of being forced into this march against our will. If we have to choose between asking You for the strength to endure and questioning You about Your methods, grant us trust and power to choose the former!

Mother's Day

As Mother’s day quickly approaches, there is no way to escape it. From the radio to television to stores and even friends and family, everyone is talking about it. Mother’s day has been a day that I have come to dread. It is a slap on the face to infertile woman all over the world. As I was searching the internet for poems for infertile woman on Mother’s day I came across a website that talks about a special day for woman dealing with infertility. It is called National Infertility Survival Day. It was founded in 2004 by Beverly Barna, author of Infertility Sucks! Keeping it All Together When Sperm and Egg Stubbornly Remain Apart (Xlibris Corporation, 2002). Barna describes the holiday like this:

“I hope National Infertility Survival Day will lift their spirits and give them the impetus to celebrate themselves and that which they do have. This is not to negate the very real despair they may be facing. Rather, it’s an opportune time to stop and smell the Chanel, and also to blunt the emotional pummeling that can occur leading up to, on and around Mother’s Day. And it’s also a vehicle through which those close to them can provide meaningful, creative, and fun support."

The holiday falls on the first Sunday of the month of May. In 2012, the holiday is celebrated on May 6.

Scheduled for the weekend before Mother’s Day, the holiday's timing is intentional, so it can blunt the sadness and frustration that many women feel as Mother’s Day approaches.

How cool is that!? Too bad I found this today and not yesterday or sooner. At least I now know and can look forward to this in the future if needed. This Mother’s day I hope that I can smile for my mother and step mother and to be grateful for them but at the same time I hope people can be sympathetic towards those who long to be mother’s. Here are two poems I found that fit how I feel for this so called “wonderful” holiday.

“Happy Mother's Day”
it comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope

everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!
-RS

The Day I Hate Most of All

Some days I’ve learned to dread
More than all the rest,
Difficult to get through
I try my very best.
The day I hate most of all
Always comes in May,
It happens each and every year
We call it Mother’s Day.
In church they’re given flowers
At home a handmade card,
Dad making everyone some lunch
Kids playing in the yard.
Reminds me what I do not have
Instead of what I do,
A little one to give a hug
And say, “Mom, I love you”.
Tomorrow I will live again
Just let me mourn this day,
I pray that I can make it
Through another Mother’s Day.

~Susan Reardon

Forgiving cruel remarks

All I remember about Sunday was being guided out of Church as I cried so hard I could hardly breathe. This past weekend Bronson and I were at my dad and step moms house for our annual family reunion. We had a great time on Saturday and I even got to spend hours talking to my cousin who went through infertility for years and finally had a success story with IVF. I didn’t cry a tear. I talked positively and firmly about God taking the lead in our fertility journey and enjoyed sharing everything with my cousin.

Sunday morning Bronson and I drove to Church with Mrs. P. for my dad always runs about 20 minutes late, therefore he takes his own car. We got to church just in time to sit down before it started. As we walk in I see an old friend sitting in the back. She recently got married because she was 4 months pregnant. I tried not to look at her or judge her. I just sat down and waited for service to start. Church started a little different that morning. Instead of starting off with singing like normal the minister got up and started making announcements. The first 5 minutes were announcements of babies being born, their weight, height, and utter excitement for the parents and grandparents. At this point Mrs. P. (my step mom) leaned over and said “come on, let’s go. You do not need to hear this.” I said I was “ok”, so we continued to listen to the rest of the announcements. Well that was the biggest mistake of my life. The next 5 minutes were all about who all was pregnant at the church and THEN the minister asked the expecting couple to stand so that we could see how happy and beautiful they were!! Everyone “awed” and that’s when I couldn’t hold back the tears! I lost it. I was crying so hard I couldn’t see the people in front of me. The couple sat down just in time for the minister to continue gloating about the couple and how amazing she looked being pregnant and how happy the husband was and how huge their smiles were on their faces! Mrs. P. then looked at me and didn’t even allow me to say I was ok. She grabbed my arm and she and Bronson had to escort me out of the building. We got out of the assembly right as I let out the most awful cry. Bronson was speechless and my step mom was in tears for my pain.

I got in the car and was so embarrassed that I couldn’t control my emotions better and was worried what people were going to think of me. Bronson and Mrs. P. kept telling me that was inappropriate and that it was ok to fall apart. I told them how just the day before I was fine with everything. How I had talked to Clancy for hours and didn’t shed a tear. They put their arms around me and loved on me till I felt better.

I wrote that story to tie into my devotional for today. I know that the minister had no idea that he was crushing me harder and harder with every word he spoke but it cut me so deep that I have not recovered from Sunday’s experience, yet. Last year I also wrote a blog on all the mean and hurtful things people have said to us over the course of the past two years. They did not know just how hurtful they were being, they were nervous and caught off guard but I believe that people still should be mindful of everyone.

I hope this helps those who do not know what to do or say when caught off guard or in an awkward situation.

Forgiving Cruel Remarks

Jesus said, “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Luke 23:34

Can you name every insensitive thing said to you about infertility and conception? I can. Those careless words, rarely intended to hurt, seemed to sear themselves into my brain. A woman once suggested that I had some hidden sin in my life and that I would at last become pregnant when I confessed and repented. A different woman at my office shared horror stories of “a friend of a friend” who exhausted her marriage and bank account to become pregnant, only to wind up alone and bankrupt.

Infertile couples certainly are not alone, of course, in suffering through well-intentioned insults. One woman whose daughter had committed suicide by hanging herself received a sympathy card showing a cartoon animal dangling by its neck from a tree. The caption read, “Hang in There!” Anyone who has suffered a tragedy or life-changing illness probably can recount hurtful stories of unintentional blunders by well-meaning people.

Yet friends and loved ones rarely mean to hurt us with their words. Often at a loss about what to say-and uncomfortable with silence-they just saw whatever comes to mind. Others who wound us carelessly may have no idea that we’re struggling to conceive.

So how should we respond? Should we retaliate? Most of us have many ways of retaliating. Repeating the offense in the form of gossip gives us an indirect means of retaliation. Lashing out verbally or criticizing the offender provides a more straightforward approach.

As Jesus hung on the cross, crucified by those who rejected Him as Savior, He did neither. He spoke not a word of retaliation. Jesus did not attempt to justify Himself to them or even try to respond to their insults with the truth. Instead, He spoke of forgiveness. “Father,” He said, “forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” We may want to retaliate-but in fact, retaliating will only drive others away at the very time we most need their prayers and encouragement. Jesus calls us to forgive instead.

If you want to imitate Christ’s example, you must forgive even before you’re asked. Also ask God to forgive the offender. Then try to lovingly explain what words hurt and how friends and loved ones can best support you. Many people simply don’t know how to respond to suffering; forgiveness frees you to guide them from hurting to helping.

Try to realize, too, that you may be guilty of the same offenses. There have been times in the past and there will surely be times in the future when you will say or do the wrong thing, despite the best of intentions. Wouldn’t you want to know that your friend judged you by your good intentions instead of your hurtful blunders?

Lord, even as You died on the cross for us, we said things to intentionally hurt You and cause You pain. And yet You forgave us, before we asked and before we cared. Please show me how to forgive those who hurt me, too, before they ask and before they even realized what they’ve done. I trust You to teach them how to be sensitive to those who hurt, just as You are teaching me.

New light

    This month is the first month in two years Bronson and I have "stopped" trying to have a baby and it has been a wonderful month. (Yes, that sounds weird coming from my mouth for those of you who know me) but it really has been wonderful not having to be pricked, poked and so much more on a weekly basis.
    This month has also been a month of EVERYONE announcing that they are pregnant! It literally happens about once to twice a day. We either see on facebook or hear from someone that another couple is expecting. Usually I would cry and delete the person from our friends list but instead I just move on. I haven’t figured out yet though, if I just move on because I truly am at peace about it or if it is because I am so numb that it just doesn’t sting as bad. After about the eighth pregnancy announcement I sent one of my best friends who already has a little girl a text and said “ok….I know everyone is announcing they are pregnant with their second child so I know you are next. Go ahead and tell me now so I don’t have to read it all over facebook first!” Of course she is not pregnant and would break the news to me gently if she was but I was trying to be funny but at the same time I was like seriously I just want to whine!!! How many more people can be pregnant!?! Well as of 30 minutes ago we have another one added to the list of EVEYONE thanks to facebook.
    A few months ago I met a sweet, sweet girl from church who works for a big fertility clinic here in Atlanta. She heard our story and the next week she had two books for us to read. One of them is called “Moments for Couples Who Long for Children. She honestly could not have brought this book to us at a better time for two days later we had a negative pregnancy test. I think along with prayers and God’s support this book has helped me find the peace I have needed and longed for; for so long now. I would like to share a few of the “devotionals” with you guys every week or so. They are so powerful and I think it will help those of you with children to see a little into our world.
                  The first devotional that meant so much to me was this one:
                                 A Sisterhood of Infertility
    How many women in the Bible struggled with infertility?

·          The mother of Samson, whose son performed amazing feats of strength and courage.

·         Elizabeth, mother of John the Baptist, a prophet who prepared the people for Christ’s arrival.

·         Sarah, mother of Isaac, from whom the nation of Israel sprang.

·         Rebekah, mother of Jacob and Esau.

·         Hannah, mother of the godly prophet, Samuel.

·         Rachel, mother of Joseph, who would save a nation from famine.

    Each of these women, though barren for many years, changed history forever by waiting for God’s answer. The Bible spotlights many stories of mothers who had no hope of conception-until God intervened. Although the Lord never reveals why they had to wait, it always amazes me to read about the child for whom they were waiting.
    In the lives of these women, infertility amounted to an invitation for God to act. God used these women to accomplish great things. In fact, conception despite long infertility held such importance in God’s eyes that He often sent an angel to make the birth announcement.(Take that stupid facebook announcements!) A surprising number of the Bible’s angelic proclamations announce the end of a woman’s infertility and reveal a pending miracle in God’s plan.
    These women endured the agony of waiting and the heartache of feeling the dream of children slip through their fingers. Hannah grieved with such force that a priest who saw her praying mistakenly thought her drunk! Ultimately, God answered each of their prayers as a unique part of His plan for their lives and for the world.
    God is not blind to barrenness. The Bible repeatedly proves that not only is He aware, but He is actively bringing about His plan for our lives-even when we lose all hope. When you feel the despair or hopelessness of fighting a battle that seems to have no end in sight, picture yourself surrounded by this “great cloud of witnesses.” Picture them cheering you on as you handle infertility with hope, faith, and love.

Thank you, Lord, that You surround us with stories of hope and faithful perseverance. Help me take comfort in knowing that You honored these women as they waited for Your answer. It gives me such hope to know that You chose barren women to give birth to such important people in Your plan!

    Writing all of this reminds me how wonderful this book is! I continue to thank everyone for all the kind words and thoughts you have passed to Bronson and me these past two years and for walking with us through this journey.
    And on a funny note I wanted to share a little bit of an e-mail I got today from a friend with three very young children! It put such a big smile on my face and made realize that mine and Bronson’s story is helping people even ones who have children! J I am going to change names of her kids for her privacy (I did not ask her if I could put her e mail on my blog)
    I am glad that you are so honest because holding it all in sounds even more painful. I think it sucks and I want you guys to have children because I know just how amazing and inspirational your story will be for so many. I even think about you in those WWMD moments when “Cuteness# 3” is screaming and I can't figure out what he wants and “husband” has tried and Cuteness# 2 is waking and the whole house is just miserable...I step back from cursing and say to myself: I am blessed to have three children and I know that Mikhael/Bronson would treasure this moment even if it sucks just because they had a little one. Why am I bitching. I know no one wants crazy screaming babies, but given the other option of struggling to have kids or not having a kid desperately wanted I should just shut up and deal! Strangely this thought has worked to pull me back to reality and I have found another solution to help Cuteness# 3 and all has worked out. I hope that thought isn't bizarre, but I have used your struggle to help me when I struggle parenting. I know I'm weird haha but the perspective is oh so important for me to consider.

    I just love my friend so much for sharing that! I never thought MY infertility could help a friend with THREE children!

Peace

I know that it has been quite some time since I have written. Things have been very busy. Some great things have happened and then some not so great things. I will give a little update on everything in order to get prayers going for Bronson and myself.

As most of you know Bronson was finally hired here in Atlanta. He is an Accountant II Supervisor for UPS Capital and loves it. They are a great company to work for and Bronson is so excited. We have found a house we would like to buy but it will not be ready until the end of September. That will mean that we will have lived with my mom and step dad for over a year and that we have not had our own place for 15 months.
We are very grateful to be allowed to stay here to save up money for a down payment and to pay off some of the debt we acquired while being unemployed but we can not wait for our own place again!

With that said and everything going great with the job we will talk a little about the infertility. Bronson and I decided that we needed to move on to a new procedure to try and get pregnant. We agreed that we would try IUI aka artificial insemination. It was a pretty expensive process due to the fact that our insurance does not cover ANY thing to do with infertility but it was still cheaper than IVF and IUI was the next step onto the infertility ladder. We went through all the test and treatments we needed that went a little like this.

• Day 1-3 of your cycle you go in for an ultrasound and blood work. The ultrasound was to make sure that your ovaries did not have any cyst on them as well as to check your ovarian reserve.
• Day 3-7 take fertility drugs to induce ovulation.
• Day 11-13 go back in for more blood work and another ultrasound to check how many eggs had matured.
• Day 14 get a HCG injection
• Day 15 go in for IUI
• 7 days later go in for blood work to make sure you ovulated
• 12 days later go in for blood work to check for pregnancy

These past few months I felt like we were constantly at the doctor. We did our first IUI and everything looked great. From ultrasound to blood work everything was PERFECT! Bronson and I started planning dates, when to tell family, looking at different nursery options and so much more. We just knew this was God's timing and that everything was going to fall into place. I went in for blood work 7 days after our IUI and the nurse called and said everything was beautiful and all my levels were high. I have never seen Bronson so excited. At this time he was interviewing with UPS and everything was on track for the job (another reason we thought everything was going to work) That next week we went in for blood work. I'll never forget it was a Friday morning. I had that day off from work but Bronson was filming that day. He brought me home and before he left he kissed me, rubbed my stomach, said a prayer for me and told me this was it. I waited all afternoon for my phone call. I was so excited. I was debating on how to tell Bronson. Do I wait til he gets home and share the great news or do I send him a text message that says "you are going to be a daddy...." i thought and thought until the phone call came. I was so anxious to hear the happy news. The phone call went a little like this..

Nurse: "Mrs. Sullivan"

Me: "Yes, this is she"

Nurse: pause..."I am sorry but the test was negative"

Me: crying "Thank you for calling" and I hung up the phone. I didn't even wait to hear what else she had to say.

Next I opened up my text messaging to send Bronson a message that said "negative". Before I could send it he called to tell me he was done filming and was on his way home. I couldn't even talk all I did was cry and he knew. He was crushed. Our happy Friday turned into one of the most tear filled days we have had in a while. We just didn't understand. Everything was falling into place. God was allowing things to happen. It has us so confused.

Bronson did not want to do another cycle of IUI. The last month cost us right about $1800 out of pocket and he wanted to wait. I asked if we could try just one last time and then I told him we could be done. We did another one and everything went even better this time. Bronson was offered the job, levels were high again and then.....negative. This month put us out over $2000 due to more test they had to run.

We talked to the doctor and he said our next option is IVF. He said he highly recommends it for us. Bronson looked at me and told me that we were not going to do anything until we are covered by his new insurance with UPS. They are supposed to have amazing benefits. We were unaware of the exact cost of IVF but knew that it was pricey. I jumped at the recommendation and said we would do it once we get the new insurance that was until we were given the price sheet.

The cheapest cycle for IVF is $12,000 and it goes up to $25,000. The first price is for one round of IVF and the last price is for 3 rounds of IVF. We were devastated when we heard the pricing. There is no way we can afford this. Right now everything is in Gods hands. We are through with tyring until we find out if we have insurance coverage for infertility or not and if we don't then we are going to pray for strength and ask God to get us through this time as we stop trying for the family we have desperately wanted to two years now.

God has given me a peace that could not have come at a better time. A peace that is ok with waiting because my body is so tired of being in pain and a peace that my husband and I won't be at the doctor every week and a peace that God has a plan. This peace does not take the tears away or the sadness away when I read on facebook that two more people are pregnant or that another unwed girl is pregnant but it gives me the peace to wait.

Cut open heart

When you are raised with a sister only 18 months older than you, and are told to share EVERYTHING, you usually become pretty close. Brittney and I were inseparable. We did everything together and went every where together.

When we were little we always talked of having joint weddings, kids the same age and on and on. Britt got married two years before I did which knocked out the dream of a double wedding and about a year into her marriage, when she became pregnant that knocked out the dream of having kids the same age. My niece was born 9 days before our wedding and ever since my sister and I planed to have her next child and our first child around the same time. We talked about it for months.

Finally it was Bron and my time to start trying for a baby. Britt and I thought it would be great if I got pregnant first, she could get pregnant a few months later and the kiddo's would only be a few months a part. Well, one negative test after another quickly started closing in on my sister's time line of when she was going to start trying.

We had been trying for a year when I got the call from my sister that she was pregnant. I called Bronson crying and didn't talk to my sister for a couple of days. Being close with Brittney I couldn't keep from talking to her though. It was hard for a while and when she started showing it made it really really hard, but we got over those hurdles. Another thing about being close with Brittney is that I have more freedom with her children than most Aunt's ever get. Her children call me "momma miki" and I can do anything and everything with them. It makes it exciting knowing that I will have a baby in my arms and a toddler to play with even though they are not "my" children.

I have been praying for strength to help me make it through the first few days of my period. In the past when I started I would cry for days and have a lifelessness to me. Now, I pray to God to help me through and I have done ok. The news I still don't take well is "I'm pregnant" from other people.

When we first started trying all our friends were having their first baby and now those same friends are pregnant with their second. It happens at least 2 to 3 times a week that we will hear of another friend being pregnant. The longer it takes us to get pregnant the harder it is to hear those words.

The other night I got a text message from my brother telling me that he had to tell me something. I instantly knew what it was and told him not to tell me. He responded with "ok, just didn't want you hearing it second hand". I told him that I wouldn't be able to speak to him for a while due to the pain it caused and that was that. I sat and cried all night, all the next morning, at church in class, on the car ride home, and in the car going to lunch. My heart was cut open.

The next day he sent the rest of the family a message that said "special announcement" coming soon. A few hours later everyone but Bronson and I got a picture message with my nephew wearing a "I'm the big brother shirt".

Did I mention to you that MY sister and I wanted to have kids the same age, and did I mention to you that both pregnancies MY sister has been pregnant with my sister in law. My niece and nephew are only 5 months a part and these babies will be 6 months a part. It tore my heart to know that they are the ones sharing in the dream I hoped to share in.

You should see it at holidays and family functions. It is all about Pheonix and Samuel and them being together. Watching them take cousin pictures knowing you are supposed to have a baby in that picture as well. Having the grandparents picture knowing they should have another grandchild on their laps. It is so painful, but I'm not allowed to show pain or sadness. All I can show is a fake smile and fake happiness.

I tell myself that every time someone cuts my heart open with the words "I'm expecting" or "I'm pregnant" that it is just God opening my heart more so that I can share and feel more and more love for my child when it gets here.