When you are raised with a sister only 18 months older than you, and are told to share EVERYTHING, you usually become pretty close. Brittney and I were inseparable. We did everything together and went every where together.
When we were little we always talked of having joint weddings, kids the same age and on and on. Britt got married two years before I did which knocked out the dream of a double wedding and about a year into her marriage, when she became pregnant that knocked out the dream of having kids the same age. My niece was born 9 days before our wedding and ever since my sister and I planed to have her next child and our first child around the same time. We talked about it for months.
Finally it was Bron and my time to start trying for a baby. Britt and I thought it would be great if I got pregnant first, she could get pregnant a few months later and the kiddo's would only be a few months a part. Well, one negative test after another quickly started closing in on my sister's time line of when she was going to start trying.
We had been trying for a year when I got the call from my sister that she was pregnant. I called Bronson crying and didn't talk to my sister for a couple of days. Being close with Brittney I couldn't keep from talking to her though. It was hard for a while and when she started showing it made it really really hard, but we got over those hurdles. Another thing about being close with Brittney is that I have more freedom with her children than most Aunt's ever get. Her children call me "momma miki" and I can do anything and everything with them. It makes it exciting knowing that I will have a baby in my arms and a toddler to play with even though they are not "my" children.
I have been praying for strength to help me make it through the first few days of my period. In the past when I started I would cry for days and have a lifelessness to me. Now, I pray to God to help me through and I have done ok. The news I still don't take well is "I'm pregnant" from other people.
When we first started trying all our friends were having their first baby and now those same friends are pregnant with their second. It happens at least 2 to 3 times a week that we will hear of another friend being pregnant. The longer it takes us to get pregnant the harder it is to hear those words.
The other night I got a text message from my brother telling me that he had to tell me something. I instantly knew what it was and told him not to tell me. He responded with "ok, just didn't want you hearing it second hand". I told him that I wouldn't be able to speak to him for a while due to the pain it caused and that was that. I sat and cried all night, all the next morning, at church in class, on the car ride home, and in the car going to lunch. My heart was cut open.
The next day he sent the rest of the family a message that said "special announcement" coming soon. A few hours later everyone but Bronson and I got a picture message with my nephew wearing a "I'm the big brother shirt".
Did I mention to you that MY sister and I wanted to have kids the same age, and did I mention to you that both pregnancies MY sister has been pregnant with my sister in law. My niece and nephew are only 5 months a part and these babies will be 6 months a part. It tore my heart to know that they are the ones sharing in the dream I hoped to share in.
You should see it at holidays and family functions. It is all about Pheonix and Samuel and them being together. Watching them take cousin pictures knowing you are supposed to have a baby in that picture as well. Having the grandparents picture knowing they should have another grandchild on their laps. It is so painful, but I'm not allowed to show pain or sadness. All I can show is a fake smile and fake happiness.
I tell myself that every time someone cuts my heart open with the words "I'm expecting" or "I'm pregnant" that it is just God opening my heart more so that I can share and feel more and more love for my child when it gets here.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
I have been having some wonderful days lately, despite the clomid and estrogen I have been taking. I still can't help but wonder and want so deeply for our child though. Only now it is not in such a saddend or depressed way, but a hopeful, yearning kind of way. Knowing it is in God's hands and that our time is coming. In fact just today I bought three little things for what my mom calls my baby HOPE chest. It is growing fuller and fuller as the months pass on, but sometimes I can't pass up the cute baby stuff I see. Below is a little quote that I wish I could say I wrote. Word for word it has been things I have either thought or said out loud and frankly I was a little shocked when I read it knowing that I was not the one to write them. For those of you who don't understand or know what it feels like to not be able to get pregnant, here is a little insite into my mind for when I become a mother.
Thoughts on becoming a mother...
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
One Tree Hill
If you have never watched One Tree Hill, I highly recommend it. I use to hate the show and it was all Bronson ever talked about when we were dating. I had seen a few commercials for it but never sat down to watch it. I thought that Bronson was a little weird to be honest with you when I found out how in to the show he actually was.
I was always offended because of how pretty the girls were that played on the show and in my opinion I didn't think my husband had any business watching the show at all. There was one day I was hanging out with my brother in law Slate when he turned the show on. I figured what the heck, I'll watch it with him, who cares if he thinks the girls are pretty or not. Well....I was hooked. After watching one episode from season 7 I went home and told Bron that we had to start watching it and that I wanted to start from the beginning.
Every night for weeks we would watch hours and hours of this amazing show that had me so entranced that I wouldn't realize it was 4 in the morning and that I would have to wake up for work the next day until it was way to late to matter. And even then I didn't want to turn the show off and go to bed but I knew I had to.
Bronson and I would lay in bed and quiz each other on things from different scenes in the show until we were blue in the face. One night specfically we laid in bed asking each other what we would say or do if we ever met any of the actors (like that would ever happen, but hey, we could dream couldn't we?). We went on for hours and hours talking about and laughing at the things we came up with. After all this talk it lead us to talk about making a trip up to Wilmington, North Carolina (where the show is filmed) to see where all the magic happens. We were gonna take a tour of the studio, and go to every place where the actors had been and filmed.
Bronson started doing some research and found a blog of someone who posted all the address's to the houses and schools used in the show. Where they ate in the show, where they hung out in the show, and where they even went on dates in the show. They also blogged where the cast was filming that day so that people could go and watch. We were set. Except at the time we were still living in Fl which is 12 hours from Wilmington and we had no money.
Our dream of going and seeing the set and visiting Wilmington was fading fast when we found out that this is the last season of One Tree Hill and the last day for tours for the studio was Nov 5th. (they only do tours on Saturday's) because they have to tear down and get ready for Iron Man 3 (stupid Iron Man!!). It also tore our dream apart of staying not only on the weekend but to stay through Monday to see if we could watch them film outside of the studio realizing they would not be filming any more at all.
Even though we had no money or time we still talked about going to Wilmington. After another round of failed fertility treatments from last month we sat down and said to each other that we really need to get away and do something with just us and instantly we both said WILMINGTON. So it was set we were going to leave for Wilmington on Friday Nov. 4th and come home that Monday evening. Britt even got us a huge discount on a hotel!
Last Thursday Bron tells me that he entered us for One Tree Hill casting to be extras. I thought it was a cool idea and I quietly felt sorry for my Husband knowing that we would never be picked, but I told him it was awesome and that it would be cool if they picked us. I went to work the next day thinking it would be a somewhat normal Friday (the Friday before Halloween can only be so normal) when all the sudden my phone starts blowing up and I answer to hear Bron say "They called!! They called!!!! They want me to be an extra on the show! I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I was worried it was a joke some one was playing on us and that they were gonna crush his dreams. I told him that I couldn't talk on the phone but to come to the school so we could talk about things.
He got to the school in about 10 minutes and said they want you too! I asked about you and they said yes, bring her too!!
He said they need us for Tuesday, Nov. 1st. and that we would get paid and everything. He let me listen to the voice mail which stated that they would like him to play a detective and they would like me to play an eyewitness. We were so excited that I instantly got a sub for the days I was going to be gone and just waited and waited for the days to come.
We left the house early Monday morning and got to NC at 5 that evening. We walked around and took pictures and waited for the next day when we would become a part of One Tree Hill.
My call time was at 12 so I got to the set about 11:30 am. Bron got to come with me and hang out all day even though his call time wasn't until 5:30pm. There was a lot of waiting involved, and sitting but we were on such a high from just being on set the hours it took to get started and then the hours of waiting until the next shoot flew by. It took about 2 and 1/2 hours before I even started filming, and once I did it lasted maybe for 8 or 9 minutes. We were then hustled back into holding to wait for the next shoot. Another couple of hours went by before they called me out again. This time it was probably about 6 minutes of film time. Then back into holding we went.
Soon after this they brought in lots of "snacky" foods to which Bron and I thought would be our lunch. We pigged out and enjoyed the free food when a crew member walked in and said ok we are now going to shuttle you over to where you are going to have lunch. Wait...What? This wasn't our lunch. To our surprise it wasn't. We got to where they were serving lunch and we find all kinds of salads, desserts, pulled pork, Maui Maui and garlic chicken. It was amazing but that was not the best part. As we found our seats we started noticing all the cast coming and eating there too. We all just kind of starred at them like they were some type of alien. Most of the cast just got their food and left but "Dan Scott" came in, got food and sat right behind us! Bronson got up and said hey and then introduced me. He was so nice (opposite of his character) and we talked for about 5 minutes before we had to get back to the set.
We continued this back and forth of hours in holding and only a few minutes on set until it was Bronson's call time. He quickly got "suited up" and started filming. It wrapped up not long after. In all we were on set from 11:30am to 8:30pm. We were gonna grab dinner at subway and take it back to the hotel to talk about how amazing our day was. As we were walking out of subway (only about 10 minutes after we left set) we saw a large crowd gathering and taking pictures. We look into the crowd and see that it is the producer of the show, Mark Schwahn. So of course we get into the crowd as well to take pictures. Our turn came and we got a picture with him and Bron told him how we were extras in the show. Mark thanked us and told us great job. Just as we were leaving I see one of the main characters who was not on set that day. It was "Skills". He came and took a picture with us and as we were about to walk away he looked at us and asked if we would like to be extras in a movie he was making. We thought it was a joke at first but he was serious and told us that he needed us right then. We couldn't turn this down! I mean come on, who gets the chance to be extras in a TV show and extras in a movie all in one day!? We walked about a block to his set and got "positioned". We had a blast. Skills was very sweet and hung out with us during the whole thing. At the end they offered me a speaking part in the movie for later that week and I sadly had to tell them that I was not local and that I couldn't do it. We said goodbye and headed back to the hotel to finally eat our sub.
We walked back to the hotel in awe. Like this didn't just happen. We were sad that the day was over but SO thankful that we were given this opportunity. We got to the hotel about midnight, ate our mushy sub and just looked back on a dream of a day.
The next day we woke up and went around to a lot of the places they had filmed. For ex. the houses that were used and the stores and on and on. It took us about 4 hours but we had a blast. We left off by eating at a diner that is used in the show and we hit up the river court (very important place in the show) on the way out. We left Wilmington sad because of how amazing the experience was. We hated to face the facts that it was over.
We are not sure exactly of the air date of the episode we did but once we find out we will let you know in case we will be able to be seen on camera.
GO WATCH ALL THE SEASONS OF ONE TREE HILL!! ;)
I was always offended because of how pretty the girls were that played on the show and in my opinion I didn't think my husband had any business watching the show at all. There was one day I was hanging out with my brother in law Slate when he turned the show on. I figured what the heck, I'll watch it with him, who cares if he thinks the girls are pretty or not. Well....I was hooked. After watching one episode from season 7 I went home and told Bron that we had to start watching it and that I wanted to start from the beginning.
Every night for weeks we would watch hours and hours of this amazing show that had me so entranced that I wouldn't realize it was 4 in the morning and that I would have to wake up for work the next day until it was way to late to matter. And even then I didn't want to turn the show off and go to bed but I knew I had to.
Bronson and I would lay in bed and quiz each other on things from different scenes in the show until we were blue in the face. One night specfically we laid in bed asking each other what we would say or do if we ever met any of the actors (like that would ever happen, but hey, we could dream couldn't we?). We went on for hours and hours talking about and laughing at the things we came up with. After all this talk it lead us to talk about making a trip up to Wilmington, North Carolina (where the show is filmed) to see where all the magic happens. We were gonna take a tour of the studio, and go to every place where the actors had been and filmed.
Bronson started doing some research and found a blog of someone who posted all the address's to the houses and schools used in the show. Where they ate in the show, where they hung out in the show, and where they even went on dates in the show. They also blogged where the cast was filming that day so that people could go and watch. We were set. Except at the time we were still living in Fl which is 12 hours from Wilmington and we had no money.
Our dream of going and seeing the set and visiting Wilmington was fading fast when we found out that this is the last season of One Tree Hill and the last day for tours for the studio was Nov 5th. (they only do tours on Saturday's) because they have to tear down and get ready for Iron Man 3 (stupid Iron Man!!). It also tore our dream apart of staying not only on the weekend but to stay through Monday to see if we could watch them film outside of the studio realizing they would not be filming any more at all.
Even though we had no money or time we still talked about going to Wilmington. After another round of failed fertility treatments from last month we sat down and said to each other that we really need to get away and do something with just us and instantly we both said WILMINGTON. So it was set we were going to leave for Wilmington on Friday Nov. 4th and come home that Monday evening. Britt even got us a huge discount on a hotel!
Last Thursday Bron tells me that he entered us for One Tree Hill casting to be extras. I thought it was a cool idea and I quietly felt sorry for my Husband knowing that we would never be picked, but I told him it was awesome and that it would be cool if they picked us. I went to work the next day thinking it would be a somewhat normal Friday (the Friday before Halloween can only be so normal) when all the sudden my phone starts blowing up and I answer to hear Bron say "They called!! They called!!!! They want me to be an extra on the show! I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I was worried it was a joke some one was playing on us and that they were gonna crush his dreams. I told him that I couldn't talk on the phone but to come to the school so we could talk about things.
He got to the school in about 10 minutes and said they want you too! I asked about you and they said yes, bring her too!!
He said they need us for Tuesday, Nov. 1st. and that we would get paid and everything. He let me listen to the voice mail which stated that they would like him to play a detective and they would like me to play an eyewitness. We were so excited that I instantly got a sub for the days I was going to be gone and just waited and waited for the days to come.
We left the house early Monday morning and got to NC at 5 that evening. We walked around and took pictures and waited for the next day when we would become a part of One Tree Hill.
My call time was at 12 so I got to the set about 11:30 am. Bron got to come with me and hang out all day even though his call time wasn't until 5:30pm. There was a lot of waiting involved, and sitting but we were on such a high from just being on set the hours it took to get started and then the hours of waiting until the next shoot flew by. It took about 2 and 1/2 hours before I even started filming, and once I did it lasted maybe for 8 or 9 minutes. We were then hustled back into holding to wait for the next shoot. Another couple of hours went by before they called me out again. This time it was probably about 6 minutes of film time. Then back into holding we went.
Soon after this they brought in lots of "snacky" foods to which Bron and I thought would be our lunch. We pigged out and enjoyed the free food when a crew member walked in and said ok we are now going to shuttle you over to where you are going to have lunch. Wait...What? This wasn't our lunch. To our surprise it wasn't. We got to where they were serving lunch and we find all kinds of salads, desserts, pulled pork, Maui Maui and garlic chicken. It was amazing but that was not the best part. As we found our seats we started noticing all the cast coming and eating there too. We all just kind of starred at them like they were some type of alien. Most of the cast just got their food and left but "Dan Scott" came in, got food and sat right behind us! Bronson got up and said hey and then introduced me. He was so nice (opposite of his character) and we talked for about 5 minutes before we had to get back to the set.
We continued this back and forth of hours in holding and only a few minutes on set until it was Bronson's call time. He quickly got "suited up" and started filming. It wrapped up not long after. In all we were on set from 11:30am to 8:30pm. We were gonna grab dinner at subway and take it back to the hotel to talk about how amazing our day was. As we were walking out of subway (only about 10 minutes after we left set) we saw a large crowd gathering and taking pictures. We look into the crowd and see that it is the producer of the show, Mark Schwahn. So of course we get into the crowd as well to take pictures. Our turn came and we got a picture with him and Bron told him how we were extras in the show. Mark thanked us and told us great job. Just as we were leaving I see one of the main characters who was not on set that day. It was "Skills". He came and took a picture with us and as we were about to walk away he looked at us and asked if we would like to be extras in a movie he was making. We thought it was a joke at first but he was serious and told us that he needed us right then. We couldn't turn this down! I mean come on, who gets the chance to be extras in a TV show and extras in a movie all in one day!? We walked about a block to his set and got "positioned". We had a blast. Skills was very sweet and hung out with us during the whole thing. At the end they offered me a speaking part in the movie for later that week and I sadly had to tell them that I was not local and that I couldn't do it. We said goodbye and headed back to the hotel to finally eat our sub.
We walked back to the hotel in awe. Like this didn't just happen. We were sad that the day was over but SO thankful that we were given this opportunity. We got to the hotel about midnight, ate our mushy sub and just looked back on a dream of a day.
The next day we woke up and went around to a lot of the places they had filmed. For ex. the houses that were used and the stores and on and on. It took us about 4 hours but we had a blast. We left off by eating at a diner that is used in the show and we hit up the river court (very important place in the show) on the way out. We left Wilmington sad because of how amazing the experience was. We hated to face the facts that it was over.
We are not sure exactly of the air date of the episode we did but once we find out we will let you know in case we will be able to be seen on camera.
GO WATCH ALL THE SEASONS OF ONE TREE HILL!! ;)
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Short and sweet
I can not believe that my last post was at the end of August! I was just informed by my wonderful friend Kinsey that I need to update my blog. So much has been going on that I never have the time to just sit and type something. The title to this post is short and sweet because this will not be a long post for the reason being I am exhausted and was heading to bed. I just wanted ya'll to know that I will update really soon with everything that has been going on in our lives...So keep looking for new post! :)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Changes
The font I picked for this post is called "Georgia". I find it to be appropriate for the fact that this post will be about Georgia. It has been almost 8 weeks since Bronson lost his job. Due to a lot of prayer and communication between the two of us we have come to the conclusion that our time in Gainesville is over for now. We will be moving to Atlanta where I was offered my old teaching job and where there is more opportunity for Bronson to find a good Accounting job. We are leaving the 24th of September. We will miss all of our family and friends here, but we are very excited for the new things that we will be facing in the next few months.
To quote a great friend, "It is not about where you can make the most money, but where you can serve God better". This is how we have set our hearts and know that if we are serving God and putting Him first then we will be blessed whether it is here or in Atlanta.
To quote a great friend, "It is not about where you can make the most money, but where you can serve God better". This is how we have set our hearts and know that if we are serving God and putting Him first then we will be blessed whether it is here or in Atlanta.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Space please?
It has been such a different experience living here with Bronson's mom. I keep trying to make the best out of it but it is just not home here. It is not comfortable or private for us. We either have his brother, his mom or both in our room (the only actually place of privacy for us other than the bathroom).
All I want is some SPACE. I would love to spend time with my husband without having to worry if his mom is about to come sit on our bed for 30 minutes or if his brother is about to come in to ask for our computer or something.
I am trying to keep my mouth shut and not start anything so that I don't "ruin" my relationship with my mother in law but it is so hard!
On a positive note, my relationship with Bronson has gotten so much stronger. We have talked more, spent more time together and have just loved being together. I am so grateful for this opportunity that we have all of this time together. I know it is going to be hard once he goes back to work thoough.
Just keep praying for us please, pray that we find peace and guidance on where to go and where we can serve God better.
All I want is some SPACE. I would love to spend time with my husband without having to worry if his mom is about to come sit on our bed for 30 minutes or if his brother is about to come in to ask for our computer or something.
I am trying to keep my mouth shut and not start anything so that I don't "ruin" my relationship with my mother in law but it is so hard!
On a positive note, my relationship with Bronson has gotten so much stronger. We have talked more, spent more time together and have just loved being together. I am so grateful for this opportunity that we have all of this time together. I know it is going to be hard once he goes back to work thoough.
Just keep praying for us please, pray that we find peace and guidance on where to go and where we can serve God better.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Readjusting
Everything changed on the morning of July 13th for the two of us. It was another normal Wednesday morning when Bronson kissed me goodbye at 5:15 am to go to work. I didn't have to wake up til 9 for Blake and then I was going to get the house ready for my mom, sister and niece who were coming for a few days.
I was awoken at 7:15 am by Bronson who was standing over me with tears in his eyes. I sat up scared having no idea what could be wrong. Had he been in a wreck? Had there been a death? Was he sick? All these thought ran through my head, everything except for the response he gave me. He simple said in a quiet voice was, " I was let go today". I instantly called my mom to tell her she was going to have to come sooner than she thought. I needed the support and advice she could give.
We cried together for a while, scared. Not knowing what was going to happen. Then we prayed together. There was an instant calm over us. We started to talk about our options and plans and went down to our apartment office to figure out what would happen if we had to move out (our lease was not up until March). The manager was very sweet and understanding. She kept saying that something would come up and we would be able to stay, but Bronson and I knew that wasn't true. We longed and wished to stay in our new place. We loved it. It was a large 1300 sq ft two bed room two bathroom with a sun room apartment. We had just painted and finished hanging everything on the walls. We simply loved our "home". Our wonderful new home was also about 1000 $ a month.
We came to the decision later that day that we would move in with Bronson's mom by August 1st. We had already paid rent for all of July, but could not afford rent for August. We were told by the office that we would owe two months rent for "breaking" our lease. This was a hard blow. We didn't have 2000 $ and we sure weren't going to have a way of getting it any time soon. Bronson did apply for unemployment but it would be a 6 week process or more to see if we qualify or not. The office also said that if we found anyone to "take over" our lease, meaning we would sign our lease over to these new people, whoever they be, we would not owe two months rent and we would be out of the lease with no problems at all. So we put our apartment on craigslist and prayed continuously. God answered our prayer and we got a call the day we were moving out from a man saying he was in the office and he would like to take over our lease. We had to buy paint and re paint the walls and had to pay to have the carpet cleaned. We gladly took the offer and said that 100 $ for paint and carpet cleaning was way better than 2000 $. Thank you Lord, for being there for us.
We started packing immediately. We had a busy couple of weeks, with Blue Ridge right smack in the middle of our move. Before Blue Ridge my sister spent two days helping me pack and getting organized. All of our stuff was going in Susan's garage, so that we wouldn't have to pay for storage. Brittney and I got a lot done before our trip to Blue Ridge. We left Wednesday night and got back Monday afternoon, and had to be out of the apartment by Friday. Not to forget I had Blake everyday before Blue Ridge and everyday after Blue Ridge. Lets just say we now know what it is like to pack and move with a 20 month old.
We moved all our stuff to Susan's on Wednesday, but didn't want to start staying here yet. We were really struggling with going from our own space as a married couple for two years to going to a small bedroom and a shared bathroom with his younger brother. Our first night here at our new "house" was Friday. I had a really hard time. There is no space for us. The bathroom cabinets were already full, the bedroom closet was already full and nothing was ours. I fell apart. I keep trying to be positive but not feeling at home and feeling like I have to tip toe around where I live is very uncomfortable. I try to stay strong for Bronson because every time I am upset he feel more and more like a failure.
It has been hard to go to church and see our friends who have families, and houses and jobs, and their own space. I do not want pity from people so I just stay quiet and avoid people who want to ask about Bronson's job or our new place. On top of everything else, we thought we were pregnant. I had some great news the beginning of the month. I went in for blood work and found out that I had ovulated! It was so exciting. After a few weeks, I started having a lot of pregnancy symptoms. I took a test that came out negative but I was told I tested too early and that I needed to test again in a few days. We were so excited. Bronson wouldn't let me lift anything heavy while moving and did 90% of the work himself. Friday night, our first night at Susan's, I started to see some blood. It was very light and I kept telling myself that it was normal and that I was definitely pregnant. We were supposed to do more lifting and sitting in the sun for a garage sale Saturday, so I wanted to take another test so that if I was pregnant I wouldn't work too hard. A big ol fat negative that test was too. By this time if I was pregnant there would be no way for a negative test, I would have been about 5 weeks. I shed a few tears, prayed to God for strength and went about my day without telling Bronson anything (he still thought I could be pregnant and he was so excited).
We went through our day having fun at the garage sale and keeping things off my mind, but then it was over and the day slowed. We came home and took a nap. I couldn't sleep much. I was so depressed from the move, the negative test, and just being completely worn out. I woke Bronson up crying and finally told him about the test. He couldn't believe I hadn't told him all day and was concerned about me. I cried for the next hour and a half while he tried to comfort me. We prayed together again and then just spent the rest of the night in our tiny room.
I keep praying that things will get better and become more comfortable, but it is just not home here. All I pray now is that the time passes fast. Bronson wants to finish school here, he has 12 more weeks. Then we are going to start applying to jobs in Atlanta. After looking for two years for a job here we have come to the conclusion that we need to move to a bigger city to get on our feet. We picked Atlanta because we will have to stay in my parents basement for a few months and I will have a teaching job waiting for me. The church there is amazing as well and we are very excited to start meeting more great christian people.
I was awoken at 7:15 am by Bronson who was standing over me with tears in his eyes. I sat up scared having no idea what could be wrong. Had he been in a wreck? Had there been a death? Was he sick? All these thought ran through my head, everything except for the response he gave me. He simple said in a quiet voice was, " I was let go today". I instantly called my mom to tell her she was going to have to come sooner than she thought. I needed the support and advice she could give.
We cried together for a while, scared. Not knowing what was going to happen. Then we prayed together. There was an instant calm over us. We started to talk about our options and plans and went down to our apartment office to figure out what would happen if we had to move out (our lease was not up until March). The manager was very sweet and understanding. She kept saying that something would come up and we would be able to stay, but Bronson and I knew that wasn't true. We longed and wished to stay in our new place. We loved it. It was a large 1300 sq ft two bed room two bathroom with a sun room apartment. We had just painted and finished hanging everything on the walls. We simply loved our "home". Our wonderful new home was also about 1000 $ a month.
We came to the decision later that day that we would move in with Bronson's mom by August 1st. We had already paid rent for all of July, but could not afford rent for August. We were told by the office that we would owe two months rent for "breaking" our lease. This was a hard blow. We didn't have 2000 $ and we sure weren't going to have a way of getting it any time soon. Bronson did apply for unemployment but it would be a 6 week process or more to see if we qualify or not. The office also said that if we found anyone to "take over" our lease, meaning we would sign our lease over to these new people, whoever they be, we would not owe two months rent and we would be out of the lease with no problems at all. So we put our apartment on craigslist and prayed continuously. God answered our prayer and we got a call the day we were moving out from a man saying he was in the office and he would like to take over our lease. We had to buy paint and re paint the walls and had to pay to have the carpet cleaned. We gladly took the offer and said that 100 $ for paint and carpet cleaning was way better than 2000 $. Thank you Lord, for being there for us.
We started packing immediately. We had a busy couple of weeks, with Blue Ridge right smack in the middle of our move. Before Blue Ridge my sister spent two days helping me pack and getting organized. All of our stuff was going in Susan's garage, so that we wouldn't have to pay for storage. Brittney and I got a lot done before our trip to Blue Ridge. We left Wednesday night and got back Monday afternoon, and had to be out of the apartment by Friday. Not to forget I had Blake everyday before Blue Ridge and everyday after Blue Ridge. Lets just say we now know what it is like to pack and move with a 20 month old.
We moved all our stuff to Susan's on Wednesday, but didn't want to start staying here yet. We were really struggling with going from our own space as a married couple for two years to going to a small bedroom and a shared bathroom with his younger brother. Our first night here at our new "house" was Friday. I had a really hard time. There is no space for us. The bathroom cabinets were already full, the bedroom closet was already full and nothing was ours. I fell apart. I keep trying to be positive but not feeling at home and feeling like I have to tip toe around where I live is very uncomfortable. I try to stay strong for Bronson because every time I am upset he feel more and more like a failure.
It has been hard to go to church and see our friends who have families, and houses and jobs, and their own space. I do not want pity from people so I just stay quiet and avoid people who want to ask about Bronson's job or our new place. On top of everything else, we thought we were pregnant. I had some great news the beginning of the month. I went in for blood work and found out that I had ovulated! It was so exciting. After a few weeks, I started having a lot of pregnancy symptoms. I took a test that came out negative but I was told I tested too early and that I needed to test again in a few days. We were so excited. Bronson wouldn't let me lift anything heavy while moving and did 90% of the work himself. Friday night, our first night at Susan's, I started to see some blood. It was very light and I kept telling myself that it was normal and that I was definitely pregnant. We were supposed to do more lifting and sitting in the sun for a garage sale Saturday, so I wanted to take another test so that if I was pregnant I wouldn't work too hard. A big ol fat negative that test was too. By this time if I was pregnant there would be no way for a negative test, I would have been about 5 weeks. I shed a few tears, prayed to God for strength and went about my day without telling Bronson anything (he still thought I could be pregnant and he was so excited).
We went through our day having fun at the garage sale and keeping things off my mind, but then it was over and the day slowed. We came home and took a nap. I couldn't sleep much. I was so depressed from the move, the negative test, and just being completely worn out. I woke Bronson up crying and finally told him about the test. He couldn't believe I hadn't told him all day and was concerned about me. I cried for the next hour and a half while he tried to comfort me. We prayed together again and then just spent the rest of the night in our tiny room.
I keep praying that things will get better and become more comfortable, but it is just not home here. All I pray now is that the time passes fast. Bronson wants to finish school here, he has 12 more weeks. Then we are going to start applying to jobs in Atlanta. After looking for two years for a job here we have come to the conclusion that we need to move to a bigger city to get on our feet. We picked Atlanta because we will have to stay in my parents basement for a few months and I will have a teaching job waiting for me. The church there is amazing as well and we are very excited to start meeting more great christian people.
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