Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
I have been having some wonderful days lately, despite the clomid and estrogen I have been taking. I still can't help but wonder and want so deeply for our child though. Only now it is not in such a saddend or depressed way, but a hopeful, yearning kind of way. Knowing it is in God's hands and that our time is coming. In fact just today I bought three little things for what my mom calls my baby HOPE chest. It is growing fuller and fuller as the months pass on, but sometimes I can't pass up the cute baby stuff I see. Below is a little quote that I wish I could say I wrote. Word for word it has been things I have either thought or said out loud and frankly I was a little shocked when I read it knowing that I was not the one to write them. For those of you who don't understand or know what it feels like to not be able to get pregnant, here is a little insite into my mind for when I become a mother.
Thoughts on becoming a mother...
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
One Tree Hill
If you have never watched One Tree Hill, I highly recommend it. I use to hate the show and it was all Bronson ever talked about when we were dating. I had seen a few commercials for it but never sat down to watch it. I thought that Bronson was a little weird to be honest with you when I found out how in to the show he actually was.
I was always offended because of how pretty the girls were that played on the show and in my opinion I didn't think my husband had any business watching the show at all. There was one day I was hanging out with my brother in law Slate when he turned the show on. I figured what the heck, I'll watch it with him, who cares if he thinks the girls are pretty or not. Well....I was hooked. After watching one episode from season 7 I went home and told Bron that we had to start watching it and that I wanted to start from the beginning.
Every night for weeks we would watch hours and hours of this amazing show that had me so entranced that I wouldn't realize it was 4 in the morning and that I would have to wake up for work the next day until it was way to late to matter. And even then I didn't want to turn the show off and go to bed but I knew I had to.
Bronson and I would lay in bed and quiz each other on things from different scenes in the show until we were blue in the face. One night specfically we laid in bed asking each other what we would say or do if we ever met any of the actors (like that would ever happen, but hey, we could dream couldn't we?). We went on for hours and hours talking about and laughing at the things we came up with. After all this talk it lead us to talk about making a trip up to Wilmington, North Carolina (where the show is filmed) to see where all the magic happens. We were gonna take a tour of the studio, and go to every place where the actors had been and filmed.
Bronson started doing some research and found a blog of someone who posted all the address's to the houses and schools used in the show. Where they ate in the show, where they hung out in the show, and where they even went on dates in the show. They also blogged where the cast was filming that day so that people could go and watch. We were set. Except at the time we were still living in Fl which is 12 hours from Wilmington and we had no money.
Our dream of going and seeing the set and visiting Wilmington was fading fast when we found out that this is the last season of One Tree Hill and the last day for tours for the studio was Nov 5th. (they only do tours on Saturday's) because they have to tear down and get ready for Iron Man 3 (stupid Iron Man!!). It also tore our dream apart of staying not only on the weekend but to stay through Monday to see if we could watch them film outside of the studio realizing they would not be filming any more at all.
Even though we had no money or time we still talked about going to Wilmington. After another round of failed fertility treatments from last month we sat down and said to each other that we really need to get away and do something with just us and instantly we both said WILMINGTON. So it was set we were going to leave for Wilmington on Friday Nov. 4th and come home that Monday evening. Britt even got us a huge discount on a hotel!
Last Thursday Bron tells me that he entered us for One Tree Hill casting to be extras. I thought it was a cool idea and I quietly felt sorry for my Husband knowing that we would never be picked, but I told him it was awesome and that it would be cool if they picked us. I went to work the next day thinking it would be a somewhat normal Friday (the Friday before Halloween can only be so normal) when all the sudden my phone starts blowing up and I answer to hear Bron say "They called!! They called!!!! They want me to be an extra on the show! I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I was worried it was a joke some one was playing on us and that they were gonna crush his dreams. I told him that I couldn't talk on the phone but to come to the school so we could talk about things.
He got to the school in about 10 minutes and said they want you too! I asked about you and they said yes, bring her too!!
He said they need us for Tuesday, Nov. 1st. and that we would get paid and everything. He let me listen to the voice mail which stated that they would like him to play a detective and they would like me to play an eyewitness. We were so excited that I instantly got a sub for the days I was going to be gone and just waited and waited for the days to come.
We left the house early Monday morning and got to NC at 5 that evening. We walked around and took pictures and waited for the next day when we would become a part of One Tree Hill.
My call time was at 12 so I got to the set about 11:30 am. Bron got to come with me and hang out all day even though his call time wasn't until 5:30pm. There was a lot of waiting involved, and sitting but we were on such a high from just being on set the hours it took to get started and then the hours of waiting until the next shoot flew by. It took about 2 and 1/2 hours before I even started filming, and once I did it lasted maybe for 8 or 9 minutes. We were then hustled back into holding to wait for the next shoot. Another couple of hours went by before they called me out again. This time it was probably about 6 minutes of film time. Then back into holding we went.
Soon after this they brought in lots of "snacky" foods to which Bron and I thought would be our lunch. We pigged out and enjoyed the free food when a crew member walked in and said ok we are now going to shuttle you over to where you are going to have lunch. Wait...What? This wasn't our lunch. To our surprise it wasn't. We got to where they were serving lunch and we find all kinds of salads, desserts, pulled pork, Maui Maui and garlic chicken. It was amazing but that was not the best part. As we found our seats we started noticing all the cast coming and eating there too. We all just kind of starred at them like they were some type of alien. Most of the cast just got their food and left but "Dan Scott" came in, got food and sat right behind us! Bronson got up and said hey and then introduced me. He was so nice (opposite of his character) and we talked for about 5 minutes before we had to get back to the set.
We continued this back and forth of hours in holding and only a few minutes on set until it was Bronson's call time. He quickly got "suited up" and started filming. It wrapped up not long after. In all we were on set from 11:30am to 8:30pm. We were gonna grab dinner at subway and take it back to the hotel to talk about how amazing our day was. As we were walking out of subway (only about 10 minutes after we left set) we saw a large crowd gathering and taking pictures. We look into the crowd and see that it is the producer of the show, Mark Schwahn. So of course we get into the crowd as well to take pictures. Our turn came and we got a picture with him and Bron told him how we were extras in the show. Mark thanked us and told us great job. Just as we were leaving I see one of the main characters who was not on set that day. It was "Skills". He came and took a picture with us and as we were about to walk away he looked at us and asked if we would like to be extras in a movie he was making. We thought it was a joke at first but he was serious and told us that he needed us right then. We couldn't turn this down! I mean come on, who gets the chance to be extras in a TV show and extras in a movie all in one day!? We walked about a block to his set and got "positioned". We had a blast. Skills was very sweet and hung out with us during the whole thing. At the end they offered me a speaking part in the movie for later that week and I sadly had to tell them that I was not local and that I couldn't do it. We said goodbye and headed back to the hotel to finally eat our sub.
We walked back to the hotel in awe. Like this didn't just happen. We were sad that the day was over but SO thankful that we were given this opportunity. We got to the hotel about midnight, ate our mushy sub and just looked back on a dream of a day.
The next day we woke up and went around to a lot of the places they had filmed. For ex. the houses that were used and the stores and on and on. It took us about 4 hours but we had a blast. We left off by eating at a diner that is used in the show and we hit up the river court (very important place in the show) on the way out. We left Wilmington sad because of how amazing the experience was. We hated to face the facts that it was over.
We are not sure exactly of the air date of the episode we did but once we find out we will let you know in case we will be able to be seen on camera.
GO WATCH ALL THE SEASONS OF ONE TREE HILL!! ;)
I was always offended because of how pretty the girls were that played on the show and in my opinion I didn't think my husband had any business watching the show at all. There was one day I was hanging out with my brother in law Slate when he turned the show on. I figured what the heck, I'll watch it with him, who cares if he thinks the girls are pretty or not. Well....I was hooked. After watching one episode from season 7 I went home and told Bron that we had to start watching it and that I wanted to start from the beginning.
Every night for weeks we would watch hours and hours of this amazing show that had me so entranced that I wouldn't realize it was 4 in the morning and that I would have to wake up for work the next day until it was way to late to matter. And even then I didn't want to turn the show off and go to bed but I knew I had to.
Bronson and I would lay in bed and quiz each other on things from different scenes in the show until we were blue in the face. One night specfically we laid in bed asking each other what we would say or do if we ever met any of the actors (like that would ever happen, but hey, we could dream couldn't we?). We went on for hours and hours talking about and laughing at the things we came up with. After all this talk it lead us to talk about making a trip up to Wilmington, North Carolina (where the show is filmed) to see where all the magic happens. We were gonna take a tour of the studio, and go to every place where the actors had been and filmed.
Bronson started doing some research and found a blog of someone who posted all the address's to the houses and schools used in the show. Where they ate in the show, where they hung out in the show, and where they even went on dates in the show. They also blogged where the cast was filming that day so that people could go and watch. We were set. Except at the time we were still living in Fl which is 12 hours from Wilmington and we had no money.
Our dream of going and seeing the set and visiting Wilmington was fading fast when we found out that this is the last season of One Tree Hill and the last day for tours for the studio was Nov 5th. (they only do tours on Saturday's) because they have to tear down and get ready for Iron Man 3 (stupid Iron Man!!). It also tore our dream apart of staying not only on the weekend but to stay through Monday to see if we could watch them film outside of the studio realizing they would not be filming any more at all.
Even though we had no money or time we still talked about going to Wilmington. After another round of failed fertility treatments from last month we sat down and said to each other that we really need to get away and do something with just us and instantly we both said WILMINGTON. So it was set we were going to leave for Wilmington on Friday Nov. 4th and come home that Monday evening. Britt even got us a huge discount on a hotel!
Last Thursday Bron tells me that he entered us for One Tree Hill casting to be extras. I thought it was a cool idea and I quietly felt sorry for my Husband knowing that we would never be picked, but I told him it was awesome and that it would be cool if they picked us. I went to work the next day thinking it would be a somewhat normal Friday (the Friday before Halloween can only be so normal) when all the sudden my phone starts blowing up and I answer to hear Bron say "They called!! They called!!!! They want me to be an extra on the show! I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I was worried it was a joke some one was playing on us and that they were gonna crush his dreams. I told him that I couldn't talk on the phone but to come to the school so we could talk about things.
He got to the school in about 10 minutes and said they want you too! I asked about you and they said yes, bring her too!!
He said they need us for Tuesday, Nov. 1st. and that we would get paid and everything. He let me listen to the voice mail which stated that they would like him to play a detective and they would like me to play an eyewitness. We were so excited that I instantly got a sub for the days I was going to be gone and just waited and waited for the days to come.
We left the house early Monday morning and got to NC at 5 that evening. We walked around and took pictures and waited for the next day when we would become a part of One Tree Hill.
My call time was at 12 so I got to the set about 11:30 am. Bron got to come with me and hang out all day even though his call time wasn't until 5:30pm. There was a lot of waiting involved, and sitting but we were on such a high from just being on set the hours it took to get started and then the hours of waiting until the next shoot flew by. It took about 2 and 1/2 hours before I even started filming, and once I did it lasted maybe for 8 or 9 minutes. We were then hustled back into holding to wait for the next shoot. Another couple of hours went by before they called me out again. This time it was probably about 6 minutes of film time. Then back into holding we went.
Soon after this they brought in lots of "snacky" foods to which Bron and I thought would be our lunch. We pigged out and enjoyed the free food when a crew member walked in and said ok we are now going to shuttle you over to where you are going to have lunch. Wait...What? This wasn't our lunch. To our surprise it wasn't. We got to where they were serving lunch and we find all kinds of salads, desserts, pulled pork, Maui Maui and garlic chicken. It was amazing but that was not the best part. As we found our seats we started noticing all the cast coming and eating there too. We all just kind of starred at them like they were some type of alien. Most of the cast just got their food and left but "Dan Scott" came in, got food and sat right behind us! Bronson got up and said hey and then introduced me. He was so nice (opposite of his character) and we talked for about 5 minutes before we had to get back to the set.
We continued this back and forth of hours in holding and only a few minutes on set until it was Bronson's call time. He quickly got "suited up" and started filming. It wrapped up not long after. In all we were on set from 11:30am to 8:30pm. We were gonna grab dinner at subway and take it back to the hotel to talk about how amazing our day was. As we were walking out of subway (only about 10 minutes after we left set) we saw a large crowd gathering and taking pictures. We look into the crowd and see that it is the producer of the show, Mark Schwahn. So of course we get into the crowd as well to take pictures. Our turn came and we got a picture with him and Bron told him how we were extras in the show. Mark thanked us and told us great job. Just as we were leaving I see one of the main characters who was not on set that day. It was "Skills". He came and took a picture with us and as we were about to walk away he looked at us and asked if we would like to be extras in a movie he was making. We thought it was a joke at first but he was serious and told us that he needed us right then. We couldn't turn this down! I mean come on, who gets the chance to be extras in a TV show and extras in a movie all in one day!? We walked about a block to his set and got "positioned". We had a blast. Skills was very sweet and hung out with us during the whole thing. At the end they offered me a speaking part in the movie for later that week and I sadly had to tell them that I was not local and that I couldn't do it. We said goodbye and headed back to the hotel to finally eat our sub.
We walked back to the hotel in awe. Like this didn't just happen. We were sad that the day was over but SO thankful that we were given this opportunity. We got to the hotel about midnight, ate our mushy sub and just looked back on a dream of a day.
The next day we woke up and went around to a lot of the places they had filmed. For ex. the houses that were used and the stores and on and on. It took us about 4 hours but we had a blast. We left off by eating at a diner that is used in the show and we hit up the river court (very important place in the show) on the way out. We left Wilmington sad because of how amazing the experience was. We hated to face the facts that it was over.
We are not sure exactly of the air date of the episode we did but once we find out we will let you know in case we will be able to be seen on camera.
GO WATCH ALL THE SEASONS OF ONE TREE HILL!! ;)
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