When you are raised with a sister only 18 months older than you, and are told to share EVERYTHING, you usually become pretty close. Brittney and I were inseparable. We did everything together and went every where together.
When we were little we always talked of having joint weddings, kids the same age and on and on. Britt got married two years before I did which knocked out the dream of a double wedding and about a year into her marriage, when she became pregnant that knocked out the dream of having kids the same age. My niece was born 9 days before our wedding and ever since my sister and I planed to have her next child and our first child around the same time. We talked about it for months.
Finally it was Bron and my time to start trying for a baby. Britt and I thought it would be great if I got pregnant first, she could get pregnant a few months later and the kiddo's would only be a few months a part. Well, one negative test after another quickly started closing in on my sister's time line of when she was going to start trying.
We had been trying for a year when I got the call from my sister that she was pregnant. I called Bronson crying and didn't talk to my sister for a couple of days. Being close with Brittney I couldn't keep from talking to her though. It was hard for a while and when she started showing it made it really really hard, but we got over those hurdles. Another thing about being close with Brittney is that I have more freedom with her children than most Aunt's ever get. Her children call me "momma miki" and I can do anything and everything with them. It makes it exciting knowing that I will have a baby in my arms and a toddler to play with even though they are not "my" children.
I have been praying for strength to help me make it through the first few days of my period. In the past when I started I would cry for days and have a lifelessness to me. Now, I pray to God to help me through and I have done ok. The news I still don't take well is "I'm pregnant" from other people.
When we first started trying all our friends were having their first baby and now those same friends are pregnant with their second. It happens at least 2 to 3 times a week that we will hear of another friend being pregnant. The longer it takes us to get pregnant the harder it is to hear those words.
The other night I got a text message from my brother telling me that he had to tell me something. I instantly knew what it was and told him not to tell me. He responded with "ok, just didn't want you hearing it second hand". I told him that I wouldn't be able to speak to him for a while due to the pain it caused and that was that. I sat and cried all night, all the next morning, at church in class, on the car ride home, and in the car going to lunch. My heart was cut open.
The next day he sent the rest of the family a message that said "special announcement" coming soon. A few hours later everyone but Bronson and I got a picture message with my nephew wearing a "I'm the big brother shirt".
Did I mention to you that MY sister and I wanted to have kids the same age, and did I mention to you that both pregnancies MY sister has been pregnant with my sister in law. My niece and nephew are only 5 months a part and these babies will be 6 months a part. It tore my heart to know that they are the ones sharing in the dream I hoped to share in.
You should see it at holidays and family functions. It is all about Pheonix and Samuel and them being together. Watching them take cousin pictures knowing you are supposed to have a baby in that picture as well. Having the grandparents picture knowing they should have another grandchild on their laps. It is so painful, but I'm not allowed to show pain or sadness. All I can show is a fake smile and fake happiness.
I tell myself that every time someone cuts my heart open with the words "I'm expecting" or "I'm pregnant" that it is just God opening my heart more so that I can share and feel more and more love for my child when it gets here.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
I have been having some wonderful days lately, despite the clomid and estrogen I have been taking. I still can't help but wonder and want so deeply for our child though. Only now it is not in such a saddend or depressed way, but a hopeful, yearning kind of way. Knowing it is in God's hands and that our time is coming. In fact just today I bought three little things for what my mom calls my baby HOPE chest. It is growing fuller and fuller as the months pass on, but sometimes I can't pass up the cute baby stuff I see. Below is a little quote that I wish I could say I wrote. Word for word it has been things I have either thought or said out loud and frankly I was a little shocked when I read it knowing that I was not the one to write them. For those of you who don't understand or know what it feels like to not be able to get pregnant, here is a little insite into my mind for when I become a mother.
Thoughts on becoming a mother...
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
One Tree Hill
If you have never watched One Tree Hill, I highly recommend it. I use to hate the show and it was all Bronson ever talked about when we were dating. I had seen a few commercials for it but never sat down to watch it. I thought that Bronson was a little weird to be honest with you when I found out how in to the show he actually was.
I was always offended because of how pretty the girls were that played on the show and in my opinion I didn't think my husband had any business watching the show at all. There was one day I was hanging out with my brother in law Slate when he turned the show on. I figured what the heck, I'll watch it with him, who cares if he thinks the girls are pretty or not. Well....I was hooked. After watching one episode from season 7 I went home and told Bron that we had to start watching it and that I wanted to start from the beginning.
Every night for weeks we would watch hours and hours of this amazing show that had me so entranced that I wouldn't realize it was 4 in the morning and that I would have to wake up for work the next day until it was way to late to matter. And even then I didn't want to turn the show off and go to bed but I knew I had to.
Bronson and I would lay in bed and quiz each other on things from different scenes in the show until we were blue in the face. One night specfically we laid in bed asking each other what we would say or do if we ever met any of the actors (like that would ever happen, but hey, we could dream couldn't we?). We went on for hours and hours talking about and laughing at the things we came up with. After all this talk it lead us to talk about making a trip up to Wilmington, North Carolina (where the show is filmed) to see where all the magic happens. We were gonna take a tour of the studio, and go to every place where the actors had been and filmed.
Bronson started doing some research and found a blog of someone who posted all the address's to the houses and schools used in the show. Where they ate in the show, where they hung out in the show, and where they even went on dates in the show. They also blogged where the cast was filming that day so that people could go and watch. We were set. Except at the time we were still living in Fl which is 12 hours from Wilmington and we had no money.
Our dream of going and seeing the set and visiting Wilmington was fading fast when we found out that this is the last season of One Tree Hill and the last day for tours for the studio was Nov 5th. (they only do tours on Saturday's) because they have to tear down and get ready for Iron Man 3 (stupid Iron Man!!). It also tore our dream apart of staying not only on the weekend but to stay through Monday to see if we could watch them film outside of the studio realizing they would not be filming any more at all.
Even though we had no money or time we still talked about going to Wilmington. After another round of failed fertility treatments from last month we sat down and said to each other that we really need to get away and do something with just us and instantly we both said WILMINGTON. So it was set we were going to leave for Wilmington on Friday Nov. 4th and come home that Monday evening. Britt even got us a huge discount on a hotel!
Last Thursday Bron tells me that he entered us for One Tree Hill casting to be extras. I thought it was a cool idea and I quietly felt sorry for my Husband knowing that we would never be picked, but I told him it was awesome and that it would be cool if they picked us. I went to work the next day thinking it would be a somewhat normal Friday (the Friday before Halloween can only be so normal) when all the sudden my phone starts blowing up and I answer to hear Bron say "They called!! They called!!!! They want me to be an extra on the show! I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I was worried it was a joke some one was playing on us and that they were gonna crush his dreams. I told him that I couldn't talk on the phone but to come to the school so we could talk about things.
He got to the school in about 10 minutes and said they want you too! I asked about you and they said yes, bring her too!!
He said they need us for Tuesday, Nov. 1st. and that we would get paid and everything. He let me listen to the voice mail which stated that they would like him to play a detective and they would like me to play an eyewitness. We were so excited that I instantly got a sub for the days I was going to be gone and just waited and waited for the days to come.
We left the house early Monday morning and got to NC at 5 that evening. We walked around and took pictures and waited for the next day when we would become a part of One Tree Hill.
My call time was at 12 so I got to the set about 11:30 am. Bron got to come with me and hang out all day even though his call time wasn't until 5:30pm. There was a lot of waiting involved, and sitting but we were on such a high from just being on set the hours it took to get started and then the hours of waiting until the next shoot flew by. It took about 2 and 1/2 hours before I even started filming, and once I did it lasted maybe for 8 or 9 minutes. We were then hustled back into holding to wait for the next shoot. Another couple of hours went by before they called me out again. This time it was probably about 6 minutes of film time. Then back into holding we went.
Soon after this they brought in lots of "snacky" foods to which Bron and I thought would be our lunch. We pigged out and enjoyed the free food when a crew member walked in and said ok we are now going to shuttle you over to where you are going to have lunch. Wait...What? This wasn't our lunch. To our surprise it wasn't. We got to where they were serving lunch and we find all kinds of salads, desserts, pulled pork, Maui Maui and garlic chicken. It was amazing but that was not the best part. As we found our seats we started noticing all the cast coming and eating there too. We all just kind of starred at them like they were some type of alien. Most of the cast just got their food and left but "Dan Scott" came in, got food and sat right behind us! Bronson got up and said hey and then introduced me. He was so nice (opposite of his character) and we talked for about 5 minutes before we had to get back to the set.
We continued this back and forth of hours in holding and only a few minutes on set until it was Bronson's call time. He quickly got "suited up" and started filming. It wrapped up not long after. In all we were on set from 11:30am to 8:30pm. We were gonna grab dinner at subway and take it back to the hotel to talk about how amazing our day was. As we were walking out of subway (only about 10 minutes after we left set) we saw a large crowd gathering and taking pictures. We look into the crowd and see that it is the producer of the show, Mark Schwahn. So of course we get into the crowd as well to take pictures. Our turn came and we got a picture with him and Bron told him how we were extras in the show. Mark thanked us and told us great job. Just as we were leaving I see one of the main characters who was not on set that day. It was "Skills". He came and took a picture with us and as we were about to walk away he looked at us and asked if we would like to be extras in a movie he was making. We thought it was a joke at first but he was serious and told us that he needed us right then. We couldn't turn this down! I mean come on, who gets the chance to be extras in a TV show and extras in a movie all in one day!? We walked about a block to his set and got "positioned". We had a blast. Skills was very sweet and hung out with us during the whole thing. At the end they offered me a speaking part in the movie for later that week and I sadly had to tell them that I was not local and that I couldn't do it. We said goodbye and headed back to the hotel to finally eat our sub.
We walked back to the hotel in awe. Like this didn't just happen. We were sad that the day was over but SO thankful that we were given this opportunity. We got to the hotel about midnight, ate our mushy sub and just looked back on a dream of a day.
The next day we woke up and went around to a lot of the places they had filmed. For ex. the houses that were used and the stores and on and on. It took us about 4 hours but we had a blast. We left off by eating at a diner that is used in the show and we hit up the river court (very important place in the show) on the way out. We left Wilmington sad because of how amazing the experience was. We hated to face the facts that it was over.
We are not sure exactly of the air date of the episode we did but once we find out we will let you know in case we will be able to be seen on camera.
GO WATCH ALL THE SEASONS OF ONE TREE HILL!! ;)
I was always offended because of how pretty the girls were that played on the show and in my opinion I didn't think my husband had any business watching the show at all. There was one day I was hanging out with my brother in law Slate when he turned the show on. I figured what the heck, I'll watch it with him, who cares if he thinks the girls are pretty or not. Well....I was hooked. After watching one episode from season 7 I went home and told Bron that we had to start watching it and that I wanted to start from the beginning.
Every night for weeks we would watch hours and hours of this amazing show that had me so entranced that I wouldn't realize it was 4 in the morning and that I would have to wake up for work the next day until it was way to late to matter. And even then I didn't want to turn the show off and go to bed but I knew I had to.
Bronson and I would lay in bed and quiz each other on things from different scenes in the show until we were blue in the face. One night specfically we laid in bed asking each other what we would say or do if we ever met any of the actors (like that would ever happen, but hey, we could dream couldn't we?). We went on for hours and hours talking about and laughing at the things we came up with. After all this talk it lead us to talk about making a trip up to Wilmington, North Carolina (where the show is filmed) to see where all the magic happens. We were gonna take a tour of the studio, and go to every place where the actors had been and filmed.
Bronson started doing some research and found a blog of someone who posted all the address's to the houses and schools used in the show. Where they ate in the show, where they hung out in the show, and where they even went on dates in the show. They also blogged where the cast was filming that day so that people could go and watch. We were set. Except at the time we were still living in Fl which is 12 hours from Wilmington and we had no money.
Our dream of going and seeing the set and visiting Wilmington was fading fast when we found out that this is the last season of One Tree Hill and the last day for tours for the studio was Nov 5th. (they only do tours on Saturday's) because they have to tear down and get ready for Iron Man 3 (stupid Iron Man!!). It also tore our dream apart of staying not only on the weekend but to stay through Monday to see if we could watch them film outside of the studio realizing they would not be filming any more at all.
Even though we had no money or time we still talked about going to Wilmington. After another round of failed fertility treatments from last month we sat down and said to each other that we really need to get away and do something with just us and instantly we both said WILMINGTON. So it was set we were going to leave for Wilmington on Friday Nov. 4th and come home that Monday evening. Britt even got us a huge discount on a hotel!
Last Thursday Bron tells me that he entered us for One Tree Hill casting to be extras. I thought it was a cool idea and I quietly felt sorry for my Husband knowing that we would never be picked, but I told him it was awesome and that it would be cool if they picked us. I went to work the next day thinking it would be a somewhat normal Friday (the Friday before Halloween can only be so normal) when all the sudden my phone starts blowing up and I answer to hear Bron say "They called!! They called!!!! They want me to be an extra on the show! I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. I was worried it was a joke some one was playing on us and that they were gonna crush his dreams. I told him that I couldn't talk on the phone but to come to the school so we could talk about things.
He got to the school in about 10 minutes and said they want you too! I asked about you and they said yes, bring her too!!
He said they need us for Tuesday, Nov. 1st. and that we would get paid and everything. He let me listen to the voice mail which stated that they would like him to play a detective and they would like me to play an eyewitness. We were so excited that I instantly got a sub for the days I was going to be gone and just waited and waited for the days to come.
We left the house early Monday morning and got to NC at 5 that evening. We walked around and took pictures and waited for the next day when we would become a part of One Tree Hill.
My call time was at 12 so I got to the set about 11:30 am. Bron got to come with me and hang out all day even though his call time wasn't until 5:30pm. There was a lot of waiting involved, and sitting but we were on such a high from just being on set the hours it took to get started and then the hours of waiting until the next shoot flew by. It took about 2 and 1/2 hours before I even started filming, and once I did it lasted maybe for 8 or 9 minutes. We were then hustled back into holding to wait for the next shoot. Another couple of hours went by before they called me out again. This time it was probably about 6 minutes of film time. Then back into holding we went.
Soon after this they brought in lots of "snacky" foods to which Bron and I thought would be our lunch. We pigged out and enjoyed the free food when a crew member walked in and said ok we are now going to shuttle you over to where you are going to have lunch. Wait...What? This wasn't our lunch. To our surprise it wasn't. We got to where they were serving lunch and we find all kinds of salads, desserts, pulled pork, Maui Maui and garlic chicken. It was amazing but that was not the best part. As we found our seats we started noticing all the cast coming and eating there too. We all just kind of starred at them like they were some type of alien. Most of the cast just got their food and left but "Dan Scott" came in, got food and sat right behind us! Bronson got up and said hey and then introduced me. He was so nice (opposite of his character) and we talked for about 5 minutes before we had to get back to the set.
We continued this back and forth of hours in holding and only a few minutes on set until it was Bronson's call time. He quickly got "suited up" and started filming. It wrapped up not long after. In all we were on set from 11:30am to 8:30pm. We were gonna grab dinner at subway and take it back to the hotel to talk about how amazing our day was. As we were walking out of subway (only about 10 minutes after we left set) we saw a large crowd gathering and taking pictures. We look into the crowd and see that it is the producer of the show, Mark Schwahn. So of course we get into the crowd as well to take pictures. Our turn came and we got a picture with him and Bron told him how we were extras in the show. Mark thanked us and told us great job. Just as we were leaving I see one of the main characters who was not on set that day. It was "Skills". He came and took a picture with us and as we were about to walk away he looked at us and asked if we would like to be extras in a movie he was making. We thought it was a joke at first but he was serious and told us that he needed us right then. We couldn't turn this down! I mean come on, who gets the chance to be extras in a TV show and extras in a movie all in one day!? We walked about a block to his set and got "positioned". We had a blast. Skills was very sweet and hung out with us during the whole thing. At the end they offered me a speaking part in the movie for later that week and I sadly had to tell them that I was not local and that I couldn't do it. We said goodbye and headed back to the hotel to finally eat our sub.
We walked back to the hotel in awe. Like this didn't just happen. We were sad that the day was over but SO thankful that we were given this opportunity. We got to the hotel about midnight, ate our mushy sub and just looked back on a dream of a day.
The next day we woke up and went around to a lot of the places they had filmed. For ex. the houses that were used and the stores and on and on. It took us about 4 hours but we had a blast. We left off by eating at a diner that is used in the show and we hit up the river court (very important place in the show) on the way out. We left Wilmington sad because of how amazing the experience was. We hated to face the facts that it was over.
We are not sure exactly of the air date of the episode we did but once we find out we will let you know in case we will be able to be seen on camera.
GO WATCH ALL THE SEASONS OF ONE TREE HILL!! ;)
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Short and sweet
I can not believe that my last post was at the end of August! I was just informed by my wonderful friend Kinsey that I need to update my blog. So much has been going on that I never have the time to just sit and type something. The title to this post is short and sweet because this will not be a long post for the reason being I am exhausted and was heading to bed. I just wanted ya'll to know that I will update really soon with everything that has been going on in our lives...So keep looking for new post! :)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Changes
The font I picked for this post is called "Georgia". I find it to be appropriate for the fact that this post will be about Georgia. It has been almost 8 weeks since Bronson lost his job. Due to a lot of prayer and communication between the two of us we have come to the conclusion that our time in Gainesville is over for now. We will be moving to Atlanta where I was offered my old teaching job and where there is more opportunity for Bronson to find a good Accounting job. We are leaving the 24th of September. We will miss all of our family and friends here, but we are very excited for the new things that we will be facing in the next few months.
To quote a great friend, "It is not about where you can make the most money, but where you can serve God better". This is how we have set our hearts and know that if we are serving God and putting Him first then we will be blessed whether it is here or in Atlanta.
To quote a great friend, "It is not about where you can make the most money, but where you can serve God better". This is how we have set our hearts and know that if we are serving God and putting Him first then we will be blessed whether it is here or in Atlanta.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Space please?
It has been such a different experience living here with Bronson's mom. I keep trying to make the best out of it but it is just not home here. It is not comfortable or private for us. We either have his brother, his mom or both in our room (the only actually place of privacy for us other than the bathroom).
All I want is some SPACE. I would love to spend time with my husband without having to worry if his mom is about to come sit on our bed for 30 minutes or if his brother is about to come in to ask for our computer or something.
I am trying to keep my mouth shut and not start anything so that I don't "ruin" my relationship with my mother in law but it is so hard!
On a positive note, my relationship with Bronson has gotten so much stronger. We have talked more, spent more time together and have just loved being together. I am so grateful for this opportunity that we have all of this time together. I know it is going to be hard once he goes back to work thoough.
Just keep praying for us please, pray that we find peace and guidance on where to go and where we can serve God better.
All I want is some SPACE. I would love to spend time with my husband without having to worry if his mom is about to come sit on our bed for 30 minutes or if his brother is about to come in to ask for our computer or something.
I am trying to keep my mouth shut and not start anything so that I don't "ruin" my relationship with my mother in law but it is so hard!
On a positive note, my relationship with Bronson has gotten so much stronger. We have talked more, spent more time together and have just loved being together. I am so grateful for this opportunity that we have all of this time together. I know it is going to be hard once he goes back to work thoough.
Just keep praying for us please, pray that we find peace and guidance on where to go and where we can serve God better.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Readjusting
Everything changed on the morning of July 13th for the two of us. It was another normal Wednesday morning when Bronson kissed me goodbye at 5:15 am to go to work. I didn't have to wake up til 9 for Blake and then I was going to get the house ready for my mom, sister and niece who were coming for a few days.
I was awoken at 7:15 am by Bronson who was standing over me with tears in his eyes. I sat up scared having no idea what could be wrong. Had he been in a wreck? Had there been a death? Was he sick? All these thought ran through my head, everything except for the response he gave me. He simple said in a quiet voice was, " I was let go today". I instantly called my mom to tell her she was going to have to come sooner than she thought. I needed the support and advice she could give.
We cried together for a while, scared. Not knowing what was going to happen. Then we prayed together. There was an instant calm over us. We started to talk about our options and plans and went down to our apartment office to figure out what would happen if we had to move out (our lease was not up until March). The manager was very sweet and understanding. She kept saying that something would come up and we would be able to stay, but Bronson and I knew that wasn't true. We longed and wished to stay in our new place. We loved it. It was a large 1300 sq ft two bed room two bathroom with a sun room apartment. We had just painted and finished hanging everything on the walls. We simply loved our "home". Our wonderful new home was also about 1000 $ a month.
We came to the decision later that day that we would move in with Bronson's mom by August 1st. We had already paid rent for all of July, but could not afford rent for August. We were told by the office that we would owe two months rent for "breaking" our lease. This was a hard blow. We didn't have 2000 $ and we sure weren't going to have a way of getting it any time soon. Bronson did apply for unemployment but it would be a 6 week process or more to see if we qualify or not. The office also said that if we found anyone to "take over" our lease, meaning we would sign our lease over to these new people, whoever they be, we would not owe two months rent and we would be out of the lease with no problems at all. So we put our apartment on craigslist and prayed continuously. God answered our prayer and we got a call the day we were moving out from a man saying he was in the office and he would like to take over our lease. We had to buy paint and re paint the walls and had to pay to have the carpet cleaned. We gladly took the offer and said that 100 $ for paint and carpet cleaning was way better than 2000 $. Thank you Lord, for being there for us.
We started packing immediately. We had a busy couple of weeks, with Blue Ridge right smack in the middle of our move. Before Blue Ridge my sister spent two days helping me pack and getting organized. All of our stuff was going in Susan's garage, so that we wouldn't have to pay for storage. Brittney and I got a lot done before our trip to Blue Ridge. We left Wednesday night and got back Monday afternoon, and had to be out of the apartment by Friday. Not to forget I had Blake everyday before Blue Ridge and everyday after Blue Ridge. Lets just say we now know what it is like to pack and move with a 20 month old.
We moved all our stuff to Susan's on Wednesday, but didn't want to start staying here yet. We were really struggling with going from our own space as a married couple for two years to going to a small bedroom and a shared bathroom with his younger brother. Our first night here at our new "house" was Friday. I had a really hard time. There is no space for us. The bathroom cabinets were already full, the bedroom closet was already full and nothing was ours. I fell apart. I keep trying to be positive but not feeling at home and feeling like I have to tip toe around where I live is very uncomfortable. I try to stay strong for Bronson because every time I am upset he feel more and more like a failure.
It has been hard to go to church and see our friends who have families, and houses and jobs, and their own space. I do not want pity from people so I just stay quiet and avoid people who want to ask about Bronson's job or our new place. On top of everything else, we thought we were pregnant. I had some great news the beginning of the month. I went in for blood work and found out that I had ovulated! It was so exciting. After a few weeks, I started having a lot of pregnancy symptoms. I took a test that came out negative but I was told I tested too early and that I needed to test again in a few days. We were so excited. Bronson wouldn't let me lift anything heavy while moving and did 90% of the work himself. Friday night, our first night at Susan's, I started to see some blood. It was very light and I kept telling myself that it was normal and that I was definitely pregnant. We were supposed to do more lifting and sitting in the sun for a garage sale Saturday, so I wanted to take another test so that if I was pregnant I wouldn't work too hard. A big ol fat negative that test was too. By this time if I was pregnant there would be no way for a negative test, I would have been about 5 weeks. I shed a few tears, prayed to God for strength and went about my day without telling Bronson anything (he still thought I could be pregnant and he was so excited).
We went through our day having fun at the garage sale and keeping things off my mind, but then it was over and the day slowed. We came home and took a nap. I couldn't sleep much. I was so depressed from the move, the negative test, and just being completely worn out. I woke Bronson up crying and finally told him about the test. He couldn't believe I hadn't told him all day and was concerned about me. I cried for the next hour and a half while he tried to comfort me. We prayed together again and then just spent the rest of the night in our tiny room.
I keep praying that things will get better and become more comfortable, but it is just not home here. All I pray now is that the time passes fast. Bronson wants to finish school here, he has 12 more weeks. Then we are going to start applying to jobs in Atlanta. After looking for two years for a job here we have come to the conclusion that we need to move to a bigger city to get on our feet. We picked Atlanta because we will have to stay in my parents basement for a few months and I will have a teaching job waiting for me. The church there is amazing as well and we are very excited to start meeting more great christian people.
I was awoken at 7:15 am by Bronson who was standing over me with tears in his eyes. I sat up scared having no idea what could be wrong. Had he been in a wreck? Had there been a death? Was he sick? All these thought ran through my head, everything except for the response he gave me. He simple said in a quiet voice was, " I was let go today". I instantly called my mom to tell her she was going to have to come sooner than she thought. I needed the support and advice she could give.
We cried together for a while, scared. Not knowing what was going to happen. Then we prayed together. There was an instant calm over us. We started to talk about our options and plans and went down to our apartment office to figure out what would happen if we had to move out (our lease was not up until March). The manager was very sweet and understanding. She kept saying that something would come up and we would be able to stay, but Bronson and I knew that wasn't true. We longed and wished to stay in our new place. We loved it. It was a large 1300 sq ft two bed room two bathroom with a sun room apartment. We had just painted and finished hanging everything on the walls. We simply loved our "home". Our wonderful new home was also about 1000 $ a month.
We came to the decision later that day that we would move in with Bronson's mom by August 1st. We had already paid rent for all of July, but could not afford rent for August. We were told by the office that we would owe two months rent for "breaking" our lease. This was a hard blow. We didn't have 2000 $ and we sure weren't going to have a way of getting it any time soon. Bronson did apply for unemployment but it would be a 6 week process or more to see if we qualify or not. The office also said that if we found anyone to "take over" our lease, meaning we would sign our lease over to these new people, whoever they be, we would not owe two months rent and we would be out of the lease with no problems at all. So we put our apartment on craigslist and prayed continuously. God answered our prayer and we got a call the day we were moving out from a man saying he was in the office and he would like to take over our lease. We had to buy paint and re paint the walls and had to pay to have the carpet cleaned. We gladly took the offer and said that 100 $ for paint and carpet cleaning was way better than 2000 $. Thank you Lord, for being there for us.
We started packing immediately. We had a busy couple of weeks, with Blue Ridge right smack in the middle of our move. Before Blue Ridge my sister spent two days helping me pack and getting organized. All of our stuff was going in Susan's garage, so that we wouldn't have to pay for storage. Brittney and I got a lot done before our trip to Blue Ridge. We left Wednesday night and got back Monday afternoon, and had to be out of the apartment by Friday. Not to forget I had Blake everyday before Blue Ridge and everyday after Blue Ridge. Lets just say we now know what it is like to pack and move with a 20 month old.
We moved all our stuff to Susan's on Wednesday, but didn't want to start staying here yet. We were really struggling with going from our own space as a married couple for two years to going to a small bedroom and a shared bathroom with his younger brother. Our first night here at our new "house" was Friday. I had a really hard time. There is no space for us. The bathroom cabinets were already full, the bedroom closet was already full and nothing was ours. I fell apart. I keep trying to be positive but not feeling at home and feeling like I have to tip toe around where I live is very uncomfortable. I try to stay strong for Bronson because every time I am upset he feel more and more like a failure.
It has been hard to go to church and see our friends who have families, and houses and jobs, and their own space. I do not want pity from people so I just stay quiet and avoid people who want to ask about Bronson's job or our new place. On top of everything else, we thought we were pregnant. I had some great news the beginning of the month. I went in for blood work and found out that I had ovulated! It was so exciting. After a few weeks, I started having a lot of pregnancy symptoms. I took a test that came out negative but I was told I tested too early and that I needed to test again in a few days. We were so excited. Bronson wouldn't let me lift anything heavy while moving and did 90% of the work himself. Friday night, our first night at Susan's, I started to see some blood. It was very light and I kept telling myself that it was normal and that I was definitely pregnant. We were supposed to do more lifting and sitting in the sun for a garage sale Saturday, so I wanted to take another test so that if I was pregnant I wouldn't work too hard. A big ol fat negative that test was too. By this time if I was pregnant there would be no way for a negative test, I would have been about 5 weeks. I shed a few tears, prayed to God for strength and went about my day without telling Bronson anything (he still thought I could be pregnant and he was so excited).
We went through our day having fun at the garage sale and keeping things off my mind, but then it was over and the day slowed. We came home and took a nap. I couldn't sleep much. I was so depressed from the move, the negative test, and just being completely worn out. I woke Bronson up crying and finally told him about the test. He couldn't believe I hadn't told him all day and was concerned about me. I cried for the next hour and a half while he tried to comfort me. We prayed together again and then just spent the rest of the night in our tiny room.
I keep praying that things will get better and become more comfortable, but it is just not home here. All I pray now is that the time passes fast. Bronson wants to finish school here, he has 12 more weeks. Then we are going to start applying to jobs in Atlanta. After looking for two years for a job here we have come to the conclusion that we need to move to a bigger city to get on our feet. We picked Atlanta because we will have to stay in my parents basement for a few months and I will have a teaching job waiting for me. The church there is amazing as well and we are very excited to start meeting more great christian people.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Good days
Lately my days have been really good. I am not sure if it is for the fact that I am staying busier with friends and family or if my "natural" (red clover) anti depressant is actually working. Either way, I am not going to complain but only apologize for I am not writing as much. I will still keep y'all posted a long the way as new things happen and come up but as for now there is no new news and we are still staying strong and keeping positive!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Just let me cry
I got this poem from a friend and felt like it hit the spot.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
We're not just tossed by the wind or left in the hands of fate.
But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected.
And we're forced to face our deepest pain.
And when I feel the heartache begin to pull me under,
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground.
Still at times, the hurt inside grows stronger,
And there's nothing I can do but let it out.
So just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
So just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.
When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me,
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.
But I know He knows exactly how I'm feeling,
And I know, in time, He'll take the pain away,
But for now
Just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
Just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.
I've felt joy! The kind that makes my heart want to sing!
So my tears are not a surrender,
I''ll feel that way again.
But for now, for this moment...
Just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
Just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.
I believe that everything happens for a reason..."
We're not just tossed by the wind or left in the hands of fate.
But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected.
And we're forced to face our deepest pain.
And when I feel the heartache begin to pull me under,
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground.
Still at times, the hurt inside grows stronger,
And there's nothing I can do but let it out.
So just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
So just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.
When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me,
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.
But I know He knows exactly how I'm feeling,
And I know, in time, He'll take the pain away,
But for now
Just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
Just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.
I've felt joy! The kind that makes my heart want to sing!
So my tears are not a surrender,
I''ll feel that way again.
But for now, for this moment...
Just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
Just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.
I believe that everything happens for a reason..."
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Don't say anything at all
Being around Kelly, after the death of her girls I have realized that in awkward situations people just don't know what to say...therefore they should say nothing at all. I have dealt with this a lot with what we are going through. This post might be a little touchy, just for the fact that some of the things I am going to write that have upset me or are upsetting me have been said by some people who are going to read this. I am the type that does not hold my tongue well, so when people "give" advice or try to encourage me, but their "advice" is actually the complete opposite of encouraging; it takes a lot for me to keep quite and to smile. So now I am going to list off some of the top "worst advice" tips we have been given. Even though some of them are true, and I believe them also I just DO NOT need to hear it another time. From ANYBODY. I will write the "advice" part first and then in italics I will write my thoughts and what I wish I could tell people. Instead I usually just smile and say thank you or say nothing at all. I hope that whoever reads this understands that sometimes your words of "encouragement" do more damage than uplifting and to start thinking before you speak. And honestly if you have never been in the situation someone is in, I would encourage you to simple say "I am sorry and I will be praying for you". End of story! And if you have been or are going through the same situation as someone then you will never have a comment like any of the below.
- You are still young (oh really? Well thanks for telling me my age. I didn't realize it, and do you realize it takes TWO to have a baby and my husband is not my age!)
- You just need to stop thinking about it (SAY WHAT? You are telling me to stop thinking about something that is built into me as a Christian woman. A natural want in life? JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT? Ok, Ill get right on that when you stop thinking period!)
- You might be 30 and still trying to have your first child (Are you CRAZY!? We have plenty more options and there is no way on God's green earth that we are going 7 more years with out a child!!!!!)
- You just need to adopt a child. I hear once you adopt you will become pregnant, but don't get a baby because then you would have two the same age. (Ok seriously! You are off your freaking rocker. There is no way we are going to spend 10 to 12 grand to adopt someone who is not an infant and we sure aren't going to adopt "just because we will then become pregnant")
- You are too tense, you need to start drinking (Never drank in my life before, not gonna start now. Its a moral thing. NOT GONNA DO IT!)
- Well you haven't been trying that long (Well actually to us this is very long, and to each there own. Some people can try 5-10 years "on their own" won't be us. As I mentioned above, there are plenty of other options and we will not go 5-10 more years without a child)
- Just enjoy your time together without kids bothering you (Ok, so this is one of the ones that I ALREADY know and I don't need people telling me this when they find out we can't have children)
- If you can't get pregnant, then it is God telling you you shouldn't parents ($%@# you!)
- You need to stop trying, then it will happen (seriously?)
- It's just not the right time. (Another one I KNOW, just don't need other people telling us over and over)
- You may never have your own children ( Why thank you friend for the encouragement. Remind me to come to you next time I am down and need some uplifting!)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Pheonix's visit
LOVE THIS LITTLE GIRL!
too bad her eyes are shut or else this would have been a really cute one!
Uncle Bron and his girl
She loves the silly faces Bron makes.
Pheonix had a great time trying to wear Shaina's glasses
We went over to Shaina's to swim and paint. I think Pheonix had more fun painting the ground and eating it, than actually painting on the paper. Thankfully it was washable and nontoxic.
Trying to open the paint.
Blake and Pheonix enjoying jumping on the bed.
Pheonix learned a new word while here...Toys...she loved going over to the toy shelf and finding all the toys.
We took all three girls to the pool.
The girls loved watching uncle Bron play guitar.
Bath time. Peyton and Pheonix
My friend Kinsey and her daughter came to visit. The girls had a great time.
tongue tattoo!
Pheonix getting a cool tongue tattoo!
This was her cool dance move!
Blake and Pheonix played so well together! They always wanted to do the same thing!
We had a wonderful time with our niece when she was here. We hated seeing her go and miss her dearly! Here are some pictures from her visit!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Im back!
Hey Friends!! I know it has been a few days, but my sister and brother in law decided to surprise us with a trip here and then left our niece with us for 5 days! It was amazing but to say the least we have been very very busy! Pics and more about our days with Pheonix coming later tonight or tomorrow!
Monday, June 13, 2011
The letter
I couldn't figure out why I have been SO emotional on top of what we are already going through, and it was really bothering me. I cry enough on my own but things have been so much worse. After my visit with my friend Kelly and after reading that book I talked about; I realized I was still grieving the loss of the twins and I needed some sort of closure. I ended up writing the girls a letter and giving it to Kelly to put in the journal that she writes for them. I want to share their letter with you, so here it is.
Dear Ava Grace and Claire Faith,
I cried the day I found out your mommy was pregnant with you. I was happy but very jealous. I have wanted a baby for so long. I sent mommy an e mail saying I was praying for you girls and for mommy and daddy. She e-mailed me back and said we could talk anytime because she knew what I was going through. She wasn’t mad at me at all for crying that day.
We met and talked at a deli and she fed you guy’s milk and cookies. I bet ya’ll liked that. She talked to me about how she was blessed with ya’ll and I told her my story. I found out that you were sick Claire, but your mommy was so positive. She knew God gave you to her for a reason and she could not wait to meet you and Ava. My husband and I never stopped praying for you and Ava. We couldn’t wait to meet you two and to play with you. You would of really liked my husband, Bronson. He would have made you guys giggle a lot. He is very silly.
Mommy and daddy kept us posted on every doctor’s visit they went to. We would pray even harder on those days. I would wait by my phone and computer all day. I kept checking my text messages and e mails constantly to see if I had heard from Mommy. On April 22 I got an e mail saying that you two were beautiful, growing, and kicking away in mommy’s tummy. I instantly thanked God and told mommy that everything was in His hands and that ya’ll were going to be fine.
I’ll never forget the morning of Friday, May 13th when I was driving to go meet Bronson at his work. Mommy sent me a text message and said that she was in the hospital, that ya’ll had gone to be with God. I had so many emotions. I had quilt for crying when I found out mommy was pregnant, I was angry at the doctors, I was scared for mommy and daddy and most of all I was heartbroken. Your mommy and daddy are such special people and they didn’t deserve this.
We wanted to be there for mommy and daddy. We went and got them flowers and a card and took it to your house. Your Aunt Lindsay went home to check on the dogs and brought the flowers in the house so nothing would happen to them. Later that night we went to the hospital. We got there about 6:15 and we just cried. We hugged your aunts, your uncle and Grandma and then we went in to see mommy and daddy. We cried a lot that night. We left the room so other people could visit with mommy and daddy but we didn’t leave. We waited with your family in the waiting room until after ya’ll were born. I had no words for mommy and daddy. I didn’t know what to say but I hope that just being there was enough.
That Sunday was brought mommy and daddy food so that they didn’t have to worry about cooking. We wanted to stay and chat but there were a lot of people there and I think it was still too soon to visit. That week we went to your memorial service and that was the first time I got to see your footprints and your pictures. You two were beautiful and so tiny! It was a beautiful and touching service and there was not a dry eye there. Mommy wrote a beautiful letter that Mrs. Stacy read. You girls have a very special and strong mommy and daddy.
I took mommy a book yesterday to read when she wanted to. I hope it will help her since ya’ll are in Heaven and not at home. We talked for about an hour and I cried most of the time. I never got to meet you two but I felt a bond with ya’ll that I can’t explain. Mommy showed me your room. It was so cute!
I hope ya’ll are having fun in Heaven! I know mommy is glad ya’ll are together playing! I will keep checking on mommy to make sure she is doing ok!
Until we see you again, we will miss you every day.
Love,
Mikhael
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I Will Follow You
I went and spent some time with my friend Kelly yesterday, the one who recently lost her twin daughters. I still have not healed from what has happened so I didn't know how I would react when I saw her. Unfortunately I couldn't hold myself together and I started crying the minute I walked in the door. It was and has been a hard week and I blamed it on that even though, I really knew that I was still mourning the loss of the girls. I didn't want to tell her that at the time though. She talked a lot. Shared a lot of stories about the girls and showed me their room. It was beautiful. She asked how I was doing and told me to tell her about "the hard days" that I have been having. She is such a precious and strong friend. I gave her a book that I hope will help her one day and she asked me to read a book she has just read. It is called I Will Carry You. I am not a reader but I read this book in one day.
The book is about a mom who has three daughters and finds out that she is pregnant with their fourth child. The book is about this fourth child who they find out is a girl and who they name Audrey. The mom named Angie finds out at 16 weeks that something is wrong with Audrey and at 18 weeks is told that Audrey will not live. The Doctors wanted Angie and her husband to abort the baby, but being Christians they would not. They said they would carry her to term. Audrey had no stomach, an enlarged heart, no room for her lungs and she had no amniotic fluid protecting her. The story goes on to tell of Angie and Audrey's journey, her birth and her death and the healing process after.
I told Kelly that I can grieve with her, and be sad with her but I do not know what it is like to bury my children. This book has definitely helped me see what exactly she is going through. I wish I could be her personal body guard to protect her from the world. Unfortunately I can not do that. All I can do is be there for her and to listen to her.
I know this book is about the death of a child, but it is also about Faith, and trusting in God. Those are two things that I need every day to keep me strong on our childless journey. Angie has a lot of scripture and little sayings in the book that touched home in my heart in what we are going through. I would like to take this time to share a few of them with you.
As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
Ecclesiastes 11:5
We do not choose suffering simply because we
are told to, but because the one who tells us to
describes it as the path to ever lasting joy.
-John Piper
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own
understanding;
in all your ways acknowledged him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
This is something she writes in one of her chapters to her readers...
I want you to take a few minutes and process the things in your life that are troubling you; the things you can't seem to understand.
Whatever it is, a loss, a divorce, a death, a hurt, something you feel is out of your control, forgotten by the One who could make it right again---know this.
He has not forgotten.
He heard you call.
He may wait to come to you because He is withholding a blessing in order to give you a better one.
What she wrote above brought tears to my eyes. So powerful and the last part gave me goosebumps.
What she writes next is about a lady who was in the same situation she was. Angie never met this woman but they talked all the time. This woman's son was supposed to be born a couple weeks after Audrey died and Angie prayed and prayed he would live but found out he passed on too.
I literally screamed at the sky while I cried over my own hurt and the hurt of a sister I had never met. He never backs down, though, and I am grateful for that love. It is the love of a Father who Himself is well acquainted with sorrow. It is the love of a Father who has lost His Son. He understands the ranting and the door-slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my sweet Audrey. This next part is the part that touched me.
He knows.
And He only has one request.
Bring it right to me, Angie. (Mikhael)
Every time the anger roars in your heart.
Bring it to me.
Every time you feel like nobody hears you.
Bring it to me.
When you think it isn't fair. When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all.
Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.
I don't know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this. If you can trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece. And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him.
Ever present Counselor, we have to trust You more than we can explain You sometimes.
You are good, Lord.
You are good.
Next is a story about a little girl who asked her daddy a question. She wasn't old enough for the answer so this is what he told her...
He turned to look at me. as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifting his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.
""" "Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?"""" he said.
I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased this morning.
" "It is too heavy," I said.
" Yes" he said. " And I would be a pretty poor father who would ask his daughter to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you".
What a beautiful example not only for our children but for ourselves as children of God. Many things in this life are not meant to be understood. We are simply not strong enough to bear them, but where there are gaps in our understanding, there is also the grace of God who has chosen to carry the traveling case for us.
What I wrote above describes me to the T. I have asked God a question that I just can't and don't understand. Why can't I have a baby? Why not now? Why me? The answer is too heavy for me and it is not my time. God is not leaving me alone. He is beside me carrying my load that I can not handle right now.
I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn
while the world rejoices.
You will grieve,
but your grief will turn to joy.
John 16:20
The book is about a mom who has three daughters and finds out that she is pregnant with their fourth child. The book is about this fourth child who they find out is a girl and who they name Audrey. The mom named Angie finds out at 16 weeks that something is wrong with Audrey and at 18 weeks is told that Audrey will not live. The Doctors wanted Angie and her husband to abort the baby, but being Christians they would not. They said they would carry her to term. Audrey had no stomach, an enlarged heart, no room for her lungs and she had no amniotic fluid protecting her. The story goes on to tell of Angie and Audrey's journey, her birth and her death and the healing process after.
I told Kelly that I can grieve with her, and be sad with her but I do not know what it is like to bury my children. This book has definitely helped me see what exactly she is going through. I wish I could be her personal body guard to protect her from the world. Unfortunately I can not do that. All I can do is be there for her and to listen to her.
I know this book is about the death of a child, but it is also about Faith, and trusting in God. Those are two things that I need every day to keep me strong on our childless journey. Angie has a lot of scripture and little sayings in the book that touched home in my heart in what we are going through. I would like to take this time to share a few of them with you.
As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
Ecclesiastes 11:5
We do not choose suffering simply because we
are told to, but because the one who tells us to
describes it as the path to ever lasting joy.
-John Piper
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own
understanding;
in all your ways acknowledged him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
This is something she writes in one of her chapters to her readers...
I want you to take a few minutes and process the things in your life that are troubling you; the things you can't seem to understand.
Whatever it is, a loss, a divorce, a death, a hurt, something you feel is out of your control, forgotten by the One who could make it right again---know this.
He has not forgotten.
He heard you call.
He may wait to come to you because He is withholding a blessing in order to give you a better one.
What she wrote above brought tears to my eyes. So powerful and the last part gave me goosebumps.
What she writes next is about a lady who was in the same situation she was. Angie never met this woman but they talked all the time. This woman's son was supposed to be born a couple weeks after Audrey died and Angie prayed and prayed he would live but found out he passed on too.
I literally screamed at the sky while I cried over my own hurt and the hurt of a sister I had never met. He never backs down, though, and I am grateful for that love. It is the love of a Father who Himself is well acquainted with sorrow. It is the love of a Father who has lost His Son. He understands the ranting and the door-slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my sweet Audrey. This next part is the part that touched me.
He knows.
And He only has one request.
Bring it right to me, Angie. (Mikhael)
Every time the anger roars in your heart.
Bring it to me.
Every time you feel like nobody hears you.
Bring it to me.
When you think it isn't fair. When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all.
Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.
I don't know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this. If you can trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece. And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him.
Ever present Counselor, we have to trust You more than we can explain You sometimes.
You are good, Lord.
You are good.
Next is a story about a little girl who asked her daddy a question. She wasn't old enough for the answer so this is what he told her...
He turned to look at me. as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifting his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.
""" "Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?"""" he said.
I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased this morning.
" "It is too heavy," I said.
" Yes" he said. " And I would be a pretty poor father who would ask his daughter to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you".
What a beautiful example not only for our children but for ourselves as children of God. Many things in this life are not meant to be understood. We are simply not strong enough to bear them, but where there are gaps in our understanding, there is also the grace of God who has chosen to carry the traveling case for us.
What I wrote above describes me to the T. I have asked God a question that I just can't and don't understand. Why can't I have a baby? Why not now? Why me? The answer is too heavy for me and it is not my time. God is not leaving me alone. He is beside me carrying my load that I can not handle right now.
I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn
while the world rejoices.
You will grieve,
but your grief will turn to joy.
John 16:20
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Hard days
These past few days have been hard. Starting with Sunday when Bronson gets a wake up text saying "emergency" from his dad. Bron calls to find out that his dad who works an hour away got a call from the hospital saying that Susan needs to get to the E.R. immediately due to some blood work that came back from when she was there Friday (We were the only ones close enough to get her there other than an ambulance). It showed she had a serious blood infection and no time was to be wasted. We quickly got dressed, drove to her house and picked Susan up. She was really scared and not knowing what to expect along with the rest of us. Long story short, she had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days to run test and find an antibiotic that would kill the infection. They had to monitor her heart and kidneys due to the fact that the infected blood shuts down your heart and kidneys first. She was sent home tonight with strict instructions and hard core antibiotics through her iv that she had to keep in. Sunday we stayed at the hospital off and on for about 14 hours and yesterday I was there with Susan for 13 hours straight, only leaving once to get slate from school (which took about 15 minutes) So to say the least I am physically and mentally drained.
It has also been those "bad" days I have talked about in earlier post; talking about our fertility struggle. Mostly, I have been having good days, but starting about Friday I became emotional and overwhelmed. Saturday I was surrounded by pregnant women and newborn's at the birthday party, and then ever since I keep finding out more and more of our friends are pregnant. I cried some last night and eventually pulled myself together, but today has been the hardest day yet.
It started this morning when I woke up. I just felt emotional but tried to hold it together until after Blake was dropped off. I just felt weak and heavy. She went down for a nap and I decided to catch up on a show I missed the other night. That was a HUGE mistake. It was all about the excitment of a baby being born, to find out it had passed (which doesn't do the show justice to how intense the scene's were), then read a memorial of a good friend who lost her precious twin daughter's last month. She did a beautiful job of telling their story and sharing their pictures, but of course it hits me right in the heart. Next, I move on to read a book about grief, pain and loss of a loved one called, When There Are No Words. I am actually taking it to my friend I just mentioned but I wanted to read it before dropping it off. The man who wrote it writes first hand about losing his two sons and the pain his family has and is going through. So of course the day continues in sadness and heartache. Eventually, Blake and I get out of the house and go to the park. It was a good relaxer until I got home and started thinking all over again. Shaina came over for our weekly Tuesday night exercise and shows ( usually the exercise is forgotten), but tonight we went on a much needed walk and she patiently listened to me as I talked and talked about how I have been hurting. It helped tremendously to talk and to have someone who doesn't understand but who is so sympathetic listen to what we are going through. The day ended on a good note with sonic drinks and our favorite tv shows.
2 Corinthians 1:4
It has also been those "bad" days I have talked about in earlier post; talking about our fertility struggle. Mostly, I have been having good days, but starting about Friday I became emotional and overwhelmed. Saturday I was surrounded by pregnant women and newborn's at the birthday party, and then ever since I keep finding out more and more of our friends are pregnant. I cried some last night and eventually pulled myself together, but today has been the hardest day yet.
It started this morning when I woke up. I just felt emotional but tried to hold it together until after Blake was dropped off. I just felt weak and heavy. She went down for a nap and I decided to catch up on a show I missed the other night. That was a HUGE mistake. It was all about the excitment of a baby being born, to find out it had passed (which doesn't do the show justice to how intense the scene's were), then read a memorial of a good friend who lost her precious twin daughter's last month. She did a beautiful job of telling their story and sharing their pictures, but of course it hits me right in the heart. Next, I move on to read a book about grief, pain and loss of a loved one called, When There Are No Words. I am actually taking it to my friend I just mentioned but I wanted to read it before dropping it off. The man who wrote it writes first hand about losing his two sons and the pain his family has and is going through. So of course the day continues in sadness and heartache. Eventually, Blake and I get out of the house and go to the park. It was a good relaxer until I got home and started thinking all over again. Shaina came over for our weekly Tuesday night exercise and shows ( usually the exercise is forgotten), but tonight we went on a much needed walk and she patiently listened to me as I talked and talked about how I have been hurting. It helped tremendously to talk and to have someone who doesn't understand but who is so sympathetic listen to what we are going through. The day ended on a good note with sonic drinks and our favorite tv shows.
2 Corinthians 1:4
"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." (Thank you to all our friends and family who give us the comfort we need at this time)
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Beach trip or E.R. trip?
This weekend kind of turned out weird, but for the better I would say. Let me start with the beach trip we were supposed to take...
Bronson knows that I love the beach, he also knows that he upset me when he was supposed to meet my family and me and the beach a couple weekends a go but had to cancel because of too much school work. With this whole beach idea for my birthday he pictured finishing his school work for the week, and having the WHOLE weekend school work FREE, and a WHOLE weekend for just the two of us. We were both very excited, but when Friday rolled around and he had not completed any school work at all, I decided to ask if he wanted to save the special weekend for a time that his work was done and for when we could go to just relax. We both agreed that we didn't want to pay for a hotel just so Bron could sit and do his work. Plus we had a very busy week which went a little like this...Monday we went car shopping, we needed to trade in our older and dying Camry. We thought we had a car and we didn't. We were both a little upset. Later that night was mine and Susan's birthday dinner with the family. Next, we went to his brothers to hang out. Monday = long day, late night and no school work. Tuesday Bronson worked from 6:30 am til 5:30 pm, right when he got home we had a real good friend stop by with his kids. They stayed for a couple of hours. Tuesday= long day, late night and no school work. Wednesday Bron worked the same hours but instead of coming home he met me at a car dealership to look at another car. We haggled and haggled until we got the price right which took 3 hours. We got home a little after 8:45 that evening. Wednesday = VERY long day and no school work. Thursday was the same work hours again for Bron and again we met at the car dealership to finish up the paper work and to bring home our new princess ;) While at the dealership we found out that Bronson's credit has dropped due to him and his dad both being David Sullivan and an out standing medical bill that went to collections is now on Bronson's credit instead of his dads. Thankfully my credit was good so the deal still went through. All that to say once we got home about 8 pm, Bron had to stay up to try to dispute his credit score. Thursday = VERY VERY long day and no school work. So, by Friday morning Bronson was EXHAUSTED and had ALL of his school work to do by Sunday night, and that is when we made the decision not to go to the beach. All for a good reason as well.
Trent (Bronson's middle brother) asked if we could come hang out and we jumped at the idea to see him and his girlfriend who I love, to take a breather from the stress of the week. Shaina and I talked while the boys played video games. We were just finishing up about 11:30, when Trent gets a call from his mom who sounded terrible, was not making sense, saying she was very sick (she has been sick for the past few days now) and really concerning Trent. When he got off the phone he said she doesn't sound good we have to go check on her. Thankfully he had a gut feeling and went off of it. When we got to Susan's and she looked like death, sounded like death and we found out that she had a temp of 105.7. We immediately got her up and took her to the car and caravaned(sp?) to the hospital. The caravan consisted of Trent and Shaina in her car, and then Bron, Slate, Susan, and me in our car. We got to the ER a little after midnight, signed her in and she was quickly taken back and put on an iv. With the iv, her temp finally went down to 100.5 for the night. The boys took turns going back and sitting with her through out the night. While waiting some lady waiting for her friend, almost started a fight with us and caused a scene in front of everyone in the packed waiting room. Lets just say, ssssoooo embarrassing! Susan finally started doing better but was still hooked up to her iv at 3:45 am. Shaina and I decided to leave because she had a work event from 7:30 to 4:30 today and I had a birthday party of a little boy I use to teach from 10:30 to 12. The boys took Susan home once she was discharged close to 4:30 and then came home and crashed. Shaina spent the night with us (long story short) because Bron had her car and was just going to bring it here to our house. She said she was going to wake up about 8:30 and go to her work event (not mandatory and unpaid) for a little while to which I said, awesome here is a key I'll be up at 9:30, because my ride for the party was going to get me a little after 10. Well, I wake up get ready, and walk out to see that Shaina was snuggled nicely in bed still. I laughed and left her there. I got home right at 1 pm thinking I would come in to see Bronson working on school work and Shaina gone to her work event. Well to my surprise both of them were still fast asleep and again I just laughed and left her there and went and laid next to Bron. Trent made a bet with Shaina that she would not get up to go at all today, looks like he knows her pretty well. ;) Bronson also said he was going to get up and do school work...well, in the back of my mind I knew that wasn't going to happen...and look a there, I was right too ;)
The beach trip is now planned for not this next weekend but the next :)
Bronson knows that I love the beach, he also knows that he upset me when he was supposed to meet my family and me and the beach a couple weekends a go but had to cancel because of too much school work. With this whole beach idea for my birthday he pictured finishing his school work for the week, and having the WHOLE weekend school work FREE, and a WHOLE weekend for just the two of us. We were both very excited, but when Friday rolled around and he had not completed any school work at all, I decided to ask if he wanted to save the special weekend for a time that his work was done and for when we could go to just relax. We both agreed that we didn't want to pay for a hotel just so Bron could sit and do his work. Plus we had a very busy week which went a little like this...Monday we went car shopping, we needed to trade in our older and dying Camry. We thought we had a car and we didn't. We were both a little upset. Later that night was mine and Susan's birthday dinner with the family. Next, we went to his brothers to hang out. Monday = long day, late night and no school work. Tuesday Bronson worked from 6:30 am til 5:30 pm, right when he got home we had a real good friend stop by with his kids. They stayed for a couple of hours. Tuesday= long day, late night and no school work. Wednesday Bron worked the same hours but instead of coming home he met me at a car dealership to look at another car. We haggled and haggled until we got the price right which took 3 hours. We got home a little after 8:45 that evening. Wednesday = VERY long day and no school work. Thursday was the same work hours again for Bron and again we met at the car dealership to finish up the paper work and to bring home our new princess ;) While at the dealership we found out that Bronson's credit has dropped due to him and his dad both being David Sullivan and an out standing medical bill that went to collections is now on Bronson's credit instead of his dads. Thankfully my credit was good so the deal still went through. All that to say once we got home about 8 pm, Bron had to stay up to try to dispute his credit score. Thursday = VERY VERY long day and no school work. So, by Friday morning Bronson was EXHAUSTED and had ALL of his school work to do by Sunday night, and that is when we made the decision not to go to the beach. All for a good reason as well.
Trent (Bronson's middle brother) asked if we could come hang out and we jumped at the idea to see him and his girlfriend who I love, to take a breather from the stress of the week. Shaina and I talked while the boys played video games. We were just finishing up about 11:30, when Trent gets a call from his mom who sounded terrible, was not making sense, saying she was very sick (she has been sick for the past few days now) and really concerning Trent. When he got off the phone he said she doesn't sound good we have to go check on her. Thankfully he had a gut feeling and went off of it. When we got to Susan's and she looked like death, sounded like death and we found out that she had a temp of 105.7. We immediately got her up and took her to the car and caravaned(sp?) to the hospital. The caravan consisted of Trent and Shaina in her car, and then Bron, Slate, Susan, and me in our car. We got to the ER a little after midnight, signed her in and she was quickly taken back and put on an iv. With the iv, her temp finally went down to 100.5 for the night. The boys took turns going back and sitting with her through out the night. While waiting some lady waiting for her friend, almost started a fight with us and caused a scene in front of everyone in the packed waiting room. Lets just say, ssssoooo embarrassing! Susan finally started doing better but was still hooked up to her iv at 3:45 am. Shaina and I decided to leave because she had a work event from 7:30 to 4:30 today and I had a birthday party of a little boy I use to teach from 10:30 to 12. The boys took Susan home once she was discharged close to 4:30 and then came home and crashed. Shaina spent the night with us (long story short) because Bron had her car and was just going to bring it here to our house. She said she was going to wake up about 8:30 and go to her work event (not mandatory and unpaid) for a little while to which I said, awesome here is a key I'll be up at 9:30, because my ride for the party was going to get me a little after 10. Well, I wake up get ready, and walk out to see that Shaina was snuggled nicely in bed still. I laughed and left her there. I got home right at 1 pm thinking I would come in to see Bronson working on school work and Shaina gone to her work event. Well to my surprise both of them were still fast asleep and again I just laughed and left her there and went and laid next to Bron. Trent made a bet with Shaina that she would not get up to go at all today, looks like he knows her pretty well. ;) Bronson also said he was going to get up and do school work...well, in the back of my mind I knew that wasn't going to happen...and look a there, I was right too ;)
The beach trip is now planned for not this next weekend but the next :)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
How?
I get all the time, "How can you have a period and have not ovulated?" I thought the same thing at times, and didn't understand it but here is how.
I hope this helps answer some questions. It is kind of hard to explain, and to explain to people over and over again. ;)
Can you fail to ovulate in your cycle, but still get your period?
Question:The quick answer is, “ Yes, sort of," but the more biologically correct answer is that you can fail to ovulate, but still have anovulatory bleeding. Technically speaking, a period is the bleeding that occurs about 12 to 16 days after the release of an egg. If no egg is released, it is not really a period that follows, but anovulatory bleeding.
There is a huge difference between cycles in which the woman ovulates but does not get her period, and one in which she gets her period but does not ovulate. What is that difference?
In anovulatory cycles, non-charting women may assume they are menstruating normally, so why would they continue to experience bleeding if ovulation has not occurred? Such bleeding results when estrogen production continues to develop the uterine lining without reaching the threshold necessary to trigger ovulation. In such a case, one of two things may happen, which leads to what appears to be a menstrual period.
Either the estrogen will build up slowly to a point below the threshold and then drop, resulting in "estrogen withdrawal bleeding," or more commonly, the endometrium builds up slowly over an extended period of time, eventually to the point where the resulting uterine lining is so thickened it can no longer sustain itself. This is known as "estrogen breakthrough bleeding." In either case, if you weren't charting, you might think you were simply menstruating, though you would maybe notice a difference in the type of bleeding. Specifically the flow can be either unusually heavy or light and of course, the timing can result in cycle lengths all over the map (or the chart).
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Birthday Wishes
A few days a go Bronson asked me what I wanted for my birthday. We are so blessed with everything we have that it is hard to pin point something I really "need". I usually go through the list of, lip gloss, belly rings, nose rings, ear rings, and toe rings (I think I really like "rings"). Well for Christmas I got belly rings, lip gloss, nose rings and ear rings, and for Easter I got a ton of toe rings ;) so I was kind of out of stuff to say that I needed, but I did come up with a response real fast which was, "a REAL baby". Yes, emphasis on the REAL part. Reason being this...not wanting to wake up to a baby doll, kind of like that 16 year old kid waking up to a hot wheels version of the "REAL" car he wanted. Of course Bron comes off with a sexual response when I asked for a real baby knowing that it would impossible to get me one in a matter of three days. I received so many wonderful birthday wishes today, but one of my favorites was from my close friend who said "and this time next year I pray you will have a baby in your arms." It just touched me. Obviously I can not have a baby by today but now I can continue to move on and look forward to what next year has to offer.
God has a great plan for our lives (twins?) and we can not wait to see what He will bless us with.
1 Peter 1:6
"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.
P.S. Even though Bronson could not get me a "REAL" baby, he got me two beautiful dresses, a gorgeous glass rose, and a weekend trip to the beach for the two of us! Looks like he improvised pretty well ;)
God has a great plan for our lives (twins?) and we can not wait to see what He will bless us with.
1 Peter 1:6
"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.
P.S. Even though Bronson could not get me a "REAL" baby, he got me two beautiful dresses, a gorgeous glass rose, and a weekend trip to the beach for the two of us! Looks like he improvised pretty well ;)
Monday, May 30, 2011
More of Keith
Keith's day
Today has been a really hard day. Not only because Bronson really got my hopes up on something and at the last minute crushed them, but because it is Keith's birthday. A lot of people don't understand why I get so upset and emotional when it comes to Holidays and his birthday. To me, not knowing where he is, how he is doing and not being able to see him makes me feel like he is dead. It saddens me to think that we could be having a fun birthday party today but instead we can only look back on the memories of the one birthday party we did have. I miss him so much and not having him here on his birthday kills me every year. Here are some pictures and memories that we shared in the 12 months I had him.
Keith's first trip to Alabama
Dinner with the ladies ;)
Getting ready for the winter program at school
Drinking the water during bath time
Keith in his jumper
Bath time and loving the water
Keith loved his swing he got for Christmas
Stuck in the laundry basket :)
Keith at Christmas time almost 7 months old
Keith dressed up as a penguin for trunk or treat 5 months old
Going to see all the cousins for the first time 41/2 months old
Keith 4 months old
Keith's first trip to Alabama
Dinner with the ladies ;)
Getting ready for the winter program at school
Drinking the water during bath time
Keith in his jumper
Bath time and loving the water
Keith loved his swing he got for Christmas
Stuck in the laundry basket :) 
Keith at Christmas time almost 7 months old
Keith dressed up as a penguin for trunk or treat 5 months old
Going to see all the cousins for the first time 41/2 months old
Keith 4 months old
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