Just let me cry

I got this poem from a friend and felt like it hit the spot.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
We're not just tossed by the wind or left in the hands of fate.
But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected.
And we're forced to face our deepest pain.
And when I feel the heartache begin to pull me under,
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground.
Still at times, the hurt inside grows stronger,
And there's nothing I can do but let it out.

So just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
So just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me,
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.
But I know He knows exactly how I'm feeling,
And I know, in time, He'll take the pain away,
But for now

Just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
Just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.

I've felt joy! The kind that makes my heart want to sing!
So my tears are not a surrender,
I''ll feel that way again.
But for now, for this moment...

Just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
Just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.

I believe that everything happens for a reason..."

Don't say anything at all

Being around Kelly, after the death of her girls I have realized that in awkward situations people just don't know what to say...therefore they should say nothing at all. I have dealt with this a lot with what we are going through. This post might be a little touchy, just for the fact that some of the things I am going to write that have upset me or are upsetting me have been said by some people who are going to read this. I am the type that does not hold my tongue well, so when people "give" advice or try to encourage me, but their "advice" is actually the complete opposite of encouraging; it takes a lot for me to keep quite and to smile. So now I am going to list off some of the top "worst advice" tips we have been given. Even though some of them are true, and I believe them also I just DO NOT need to hear it another time. From ANYBODY. I will write the "advice" part first and then in italics I will write my thoughts and what I wish I could tell people. Instead I usually just smile and say thank you or say nothing at all. I hope that whoever reads this understands that sometimes your words of "encouragement" do more damage than uplifting and to start thinking before you speak. And honestly if you have never been in the situation someone is in, I would encourage you to simple say "I am sorry and I will be praying for you". End of story! And if you have been or are going through the same situation as someone then you will never have a comment like any of the below.

• You are still young (oh really? Well thanks for telling me my age. I didn't realize it, and do you realize it takes TWO to have a baby and my husband is not my age!)
• You just need to stop thinking about it (SAY WHAT? You are telling me to stop thinking about something that is built into me as a Christian woman. A natural want in life? JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT? Ok, Ill get right on that when you stop thinking period!)
• You might be 30 and still trying to have your first child (Are you CRAZY!? We have plenty more options and there is no way on God's green earth that we are going 7 more years with out a child!!!!!)
• You just need to adopt a child. I hear once you adopt you will become pregnant, but don't get a baby because then you would have two the same age. (Ok seriously! You are off your freaking rocker. There is no way we are going to spend 10 to 12 grand to adopt someone who is not an infant and we sure aren't going to adopt "just because we will then become pregnant")
• You are too tense, you need to start drinking (Never drank in my life before, not gonna start now. Its a moral thing. NOT GONNA DO IT!)
  
• Well you haven't been trying that long (Well actually to us this is very long, and to each there own. Some people can try 5-10 years "on their own" won't be us. As I mentioned above, there are plenty of other options and we will not go 5-10 more years without a child)
• Just enjoy your time together without kids bothering you (Ok, so this is one of the ones that I ALREADY know and I don't need people telling me this when they find out we can't have children)
• If you can't get pregnant, then it is God telling you you shouldn't parents ($%@# you!)
• You need to stop trying, then it will happen (seriously?)
• It's just not the right time. (Another one I KNOW, just don't need other people telling us over and over)
• You may never have your own children ( Why thank you friend for the encouragement. Remind me to come to you next time I am down and need some uplifting!)
  

Lately I have cried a lot, but today was an angry day and I wanted to get it out. I still love each and every one of you. I just also want you to be aware of how it feels to be told these things.

Pheonix's visit

LOVE THIS LITTLE GIRL!


too bad her eyes are shut or else this would have been a really cute one!
Uncle Bron and his girl
She loves the silly faces Bron makes.

Pheonix had a great time trying to wear Shaina's glasses
We went over to Shaina's to swim and paint. I think Pheonix had more fun painting the ground and eating it, than actually painting on the paper. Thankfully it was washable and nontoxic.
Trying to open the paint.
Blake and Pheonix enjoying jumping on the bed.
Pheonix learned a new word while here...Toys...she loved going over to the toy shelf and finding all the toys.
We took all three girls to the pool.
The girls loved watching uncle Bron play guitar.
Bath time. Peyton and Pheonix
My friend Kinsey and her daughter came to visit. The girls had a great time.
tongue tattoo!
Pheonix getting a cool tongue tattoo!
This was her cool dance move!
Blake and Pheonix played so well together! They always wanted to do the same thing!


We had a wonderful time with our niece when she was here. We hated seeing her go and miss her dearly! Here are some pictures from her visit!

Im back!

Hey Friends!! I know it has been a few days, but my sister and brother in law decided to surprise us with a trip here and then left our niece with us for 5 days! It was amazing but to say the least we have been very very busy! Pics and more about our days with Pheonix coming later tonight or tomorrow!

The letter

I couldn't figure out why I have been SO emotional on top of what we are already going through, and it was really bothering me. I cry enough on my own but things have been so much worse. After my visit with my friend Kelly and after reading that book I talked about; I realized I was still grieving the loss of the twins and I needed some sort of closure. I ended up writing the girls a letter and giving it to Kelly to put in the journal that she writes for them. I want to share their letter with you, so here it is.

Dear Ava Grace and Claire Faith,

I cried the day I found out your mommy was pregnant with you. I was happy but very jealous. I have wanted a baby for so long. I sent mommy an e mail saying I was praying for you girls and for mommy and daddy. She e-mailed me back and said we could talk anytime because she knew what I was going through. She wasn’t mad at me at all for crying that day.

We met and talked at a deli and she fed you guy’s milk and cookies. I bet ya’ll liked that. She talked to me about how she was blessed with ya’ll and I told her my story. I found out that you were sick Claire, but your mommy was so positive. She knew God gave you to her for a reason and she could not wait to meet you and Ava. My husband and I never stopped praying for you and Ava. We couldn’t wait to meet you two and to play with you. You would of really liked my husband, Bronson. He would have made you guys giggle a lot. He is very silly.

Mommy and daddy kept us posted on every doctor’s visit they went to. We would pray even harder on those days. I would wait by my phone and computer all day. I kept checking my text messages and e mails constantly to see if I had heard from Mommy. On April 22 I got an e mail saying that you two were beautiful, growing, and kicking away in mommy’s tummy. I instantly thanked God and told mommy that everything was in His hands and that ya’ll were going to be fine.

I’ll never forget the morning of Friday, May 13^th when I was driving to go meet Bronson at his work. Mommy sent me a text message and said that she was in the hospital, that ya’ll had gone to be with God. I had so many emotions. I had quilt for crying when I found out mommy was pregnant, I was angry at the doctors, I was scared for mommy and daddy and most of all I was heartbroken. Your mommy and daddy are such special people and they didn’t deserve this.

We wanted to be there for mommy and daddy. We went and got them flowers and a card and took it to your house. Your Aunt Lindsay went home to check on the dogs and brought the flowers in the house so nothing would happen to them. Later that night we went to the hospital. We got there about 6:15 and we just cried. We hugged your aunts, your uncle and Grandma and then we went in to see mommy and daddy. We cried a lot that night. We left the room so other people could visit with mommy and daddy but we didn’t leave. We waited with your family in the waiting room until after ya’ll were born. I had no words for mommy and daddy. I didn’t know what to say but I hope that just being there was enough.

That Sunday was brought mommy and daddy food so that they didn’t have to worry about cooking. We wanted to stay and chat but there were a lot of people there and I think it was still too soon to visit. That week we went to your memorial service and that was the first time I got to see your footprints and your pictures. You two were beautiful and so tiny! It was a beautiful and touching service and there was not a dry eye there. Mommy wrote a beautiful letter that Mrs. Stacy read. You girls have a very special and strong mommy and daddy.

I took mommy a book yesterday to read when she wanted to. I hope it will help her since ya’ll are in Heaven and not at home. We talked for about an hour and I cried most of the time. I never got to meet you two but I felt a bond with ya’ll that I can’t explain. Mommy showed me your room. It was so cute!

I hope ya’ll are having fun in Heaven! I know mommy is glad ya’ll are together playing! I will keep checking on mommy to make sure she is doing ok!

Until we see you again, we will miss you every day.

Love,

Mikhael

I Will Follow You

I went and spent some time with my friend Kelly yesterday, the one who recently lost her twin daughters. I still have not healed from what has happened so I didn't know how I would react when I saw her. Unfortunately I couldn't hold myself together and I started crying the minute I walked in the door. It was and has been a hard week and I blamed it on that even though, I really knew that I was still mourning the loss of the girls. I didn't want to tell her that at the time though. She talked a lot. Shared a lot of stories about the girls and showed me their room. It was beautiful. She asked how I was doing and told me to tell her about "the hard days" that I have been having. She is such a precious and strong friend. I gave her a book that I hope will help her one day and she asked me to read a book she has just read. It is called I Will Carry You. I am not a reader but I read this book in one day.

The book is about a mom who has three daughters and finds out that she is pregnant with their fourth child. The book is about this fourth child who they find out is a girl and who they name Audrey. The mom named Angie finds out at 16 weeks that something is wrong with Audrey and at 18 weeks is told that Audrey will not live. The Doctors wanted Angie and her husband to abort the baby, but being Christians they would not. They said they would carry her to term. Audrey had no stomach, an enlarged heart, no room for her lungs and she had no amniotic fluid protecting her. The story goes on to tell of Angie and Audrey's journey, her birth and her death and the healing process after.

I told Kelly that I can grieve with her, and be sad with her but I do not know what it is like to bury my children. This book has definitely helped me see what exactly she is going through. I wish I could be her personal body guard to protect her from the world. Unfortunately I can not do that. All I can do is be there for her and to listen to her.

I know this book is about the death of a child, but it is also about Faith, and trusting in God. Those are two things that I need every day to keep me strong on our childless journey. Angie has a lot of scripture and little sayings in the book that touched home in my heart in what we are going through. I would like to take this time to share a few of them with you.

As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
Ecclesiastes 11:5

We do not choose suffering simply because we
are told to, but because the one who tells us to
describes it as the path to ever lasting joy.
-John Piper

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own
understanding;
in all your ways acknowledged him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

This is something she writes in one of her chapters to her readers...

I want you to take a few minutes and process the things in your life that are troubling you; the things you can't seem to understand.
Whatever it is, a loss, a divorce, a death, a hurt, something you feel is out of your control, forgotten by the One who could make it right again---know this.
He has not forgotten.
He heard you call.
He may wait to come to you because He is withholding a blessing in order to give you a better one.

What she wrote above brought tears to my eyes. So powerful and the last part gave me goosebumps.

What she writes next is about a lady who was in the same situation she was. Angie never met this woman but they talked all the time. This woman's son was supposed to be born a couple weeks after Audrey died and Angie prayed and prayed he would live but found out he passed on too.

I literally screamed at the sky while I cried over my own hurt and the hurt of a sister I had never met. He never backs down, though, and I am grateful for that love. It is the love of a Father who Himself is well acquainted with sorrow. It is the love of a Father who has lost His Son. He understands the ranting and the door-slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my sweet Audrey. This next part is the part that touched me.

He knows.

And He only has one request.


Bring it right to me, Angie. (Mikhael)

Every time the anger roars in your heart.

Bring it to me.

Every time you feel like nobody hears you.

Bring it to me.

When you think it isn't fair. When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all.

Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.

I don't know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this. If you can trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece. And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him.

Ever present Counselor, we have to trust You more than we can explain You sometimes.

You are good, Lord.

You are good.

Next is a story about a little girl who asked her daddy a question. She wasn't old enough for the answer so this is what he told her...

He turned to look at me. as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifting his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.
""" "Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?"""" he said.
I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased this morning.
" "It is too heavy," I said.
" Yes" he said. " And I would be a pretty poor father who would ask his daughter to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you".

What a beautiful example not only for our children but for ourselves as children of God. Many things in this life are not meant to be understood. We are simply not strong enough to bear them, but where there are gaps in our understanding, there is also the grace of God who has chosen to carry the traveling case for us.

What I wrote above describes me to the T. I have asked God a question that I just can't and don't understand. Why can't I have a baby? Why not now? Why me? The answer is too heavy for me and it is not my time. God is not leaving me alone. He is beside me carrying my load that I can not handle right now.

I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn
while the world rejoices.
You will grieve,
but your grief will turn to joy.
John 16:20

Hard days

These past few days have been hard. Starting with Sunday when Bronson gets a wake up text saying "emergency" from his dad. Bron calls to find out that his dad who works an hour away got a call from the hospital saying that Susan needs to get to the E.R. immediately due to some blood work that came back from when she was there Friday (We were the only ones close enough to get her there other than an ambulance). It showed she had a serious blood infection and no time was to be wasted. We quickly got dressed, drove to her house and picked Susan up. She was really scared and not knowing what to expect along with the rest of us. Long story short, she had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days to run test and find an antibiotic that would kill the infection. They had to monitor her heart and kidneys due to the fact that the infected blood shuts down your heart and kidneys first. She was sent home tonight with strict instructions and hard core antibiotics through her iv that she had to keep in. Sunday we stayed at the hospital off and on for about 14 hours and yesterday I was there with Susan for 13 hours straight, only leaving once to get slate from school (which took about 15 minutes) So to say the least I am physically and mentally drained.

It has also been those "bad" days I have talked about in earlier post; talking about our fertility struggle. Mostly, I have been having good days, but starting about Friday I became emotional and overwhelmed. Saturday I was surrounded by pregnant women and newborn's at the birthday party, and then ever since I keep finding out more and more of our friends are pregnant. I cried some last night and eventually pulled myself together, but today has been the hardest day yet.

It started this morning when I woke up. I just felt emotional but tried to hold it together until after Blake was dropped off. I just felt weak and heavy. She went down for a nap and I decided to catch up on a show I missed the other night. That was a HUGE mistake. It was all about the excitment of a baby being born, to find out it had passed (which doesn't do the show justice to how intense the scene's were), then read a memorial of a good friend who lost her precious twin daughter's last month. She did a beautiful job of telling their story and sharing their pictures, but of course it hits me right in the heart. Next, I move on to read a book about grief, pain and loss of a loved one called, When There Are No Words. I am actually taking it to my friend I just mentioned but I wanted to read it before dropping it off. The man who wrote it writes first hand about losing his two sons and the pain his family has and is going through. So of course the day continues in sadness and heartache. Eventually, Blake and I get out of the house and go to the park. It was a good relaxer until I got home and started thinking all over again. Shaina came over for our weekly Tuesday night exercise and shows ( usually the exercise is forgotten), but tonight we went on a much needed walk and she patiently listened to me as I talked and talked about how I have been hurting. It helped tremendously to talk and to have someone who doesn't understand but who is so sympathetic listen to what we are going through. The day ended on a good note with sonic drinks and our favorite tv shows.

2 Corinthians 1:4

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." (Thank you to all our friends and family who give us the comfort we need at this time)

I also got the sweetest card and gift in the mail today from one of my closet friend's who now lives in Texas. She said "I believe that every person is born with talents. You being a mommy is one of your talents and also getting people through labor ;)" Kins you have never lost faith in me and your words today have meant so much. The gift she got me was a bracelet that says "Believe, if you believe in it, you can achieve it" WOW...

Beach trip or E.R. trip?

This weekend kind of turned out weird, but for the better I would say. Let me start with the beach trip we were supposed to take...

Bronson knows that I love the beach, he also knows that he upset me when he was supposed to meet my family and me and the beach a couple weekends a go but had to cancel because of too much school work. With this whole beach idea for my birthday he pictured finishing his school work for the week, and having the WHOLE weekend school work FREE, and a WHOLE weekend for just the two of us. We were both very excited, but when Friday rolled around and he had not completed any school work at all, I decided to ask if he wanted to save the special weekend for a time that his work was done and for when we could go to just relax. We both agreed that we didn't want to pay for a hotel just so Bron could sit and do his work. Plus we had a very busy week which went a little like this...Monday we went car shopping, we needed to trade in our older and dying Camry. We thought we had a car and we didn't. We were both a little upset. Later that night was mine and Susan's birthday dinner with the family. Next, we went to his brothers to hang out. Monday = long day, late night and no school work. Tuesday Bronson worked from 6:30 am til 5:30 pm, right when he got home we had a real good friend stop by with his kids. They stayed for a couple of hours. Tuesday= long day, late night and no school work. Wednesday Bron worked the same hours but instead of coming home he met me at a car dealership to look at another car. We haggled and haggled until we got the price right which took 3 hours. We got home a little after 8:45 that evening. Wednesday = VERY long day and no school work. Thursday was the same work hours again for Bron and again we met at the car dealership to finish up the paper work and to bring home our new princess ;) While at the dealership we found out that Bronson's credit has dropped due to him and his dad both being David Sullivan and an out standing medical bill that went to collections is now on Bronson's credit instead of his dads. Thankfully my credit was good so the deal still went through. All that to say once we got home about 8 pm, Bron had to stay up to try to dispute his credit score. Thursday = VERY VERY long day and no school work. So, by Friday morning Bronson was EXHAUSTED and had ALL of his school work to do by Sunday night, and that is when we made the decision not to go to the beach. All for a good reason as well.

Trent (Bronson's middle brother) asked if we could come hang out and we jumped at the idea to see him and his girlfriend who I love, to take a breather from the stress of the week. Shaina and I talked while the boys played video games. We were just finishing up about 11:30, when Trent gets a call from his mom who sounded terrible, was not making sense, saying she was very sick (she has been sick for the past few days now) and really concerning Trent. When he got off the phone he said she doesn't sound good we have to go check on her. Thankfully he had a gut feeling and went off of it. When we got to Susan's and she looked like death, sounded like death and we found out that she had a temp of 105.7. We immediately got her up and took her to the car and caravaned(sp?) to the hospital. The caravan consisted of Trent and Shaina in her car, and then Bron, Slate, Susan, and me in our car. We got to the ER a little after midnight, signed her in and she was quickly taken back and put on an iv. With the iv, her temp finally went down to 100.5 for the night. The boys took turns going back and sitting with her through out the night. While waiting some lady waiting for her friend, almost started a fight with us and caused a scene in front of everyone in the packed waiting room. Lets just say, ssssoooo embarrassing! Susan finally started doing better but was still hooked up to her iv at 3:45 am. Shaina and I decided to leave because she had a work event from 7:30 to 4:30 today and I had a birthday party of a little boy I use to teach from 10:30 to 12. The boys took Susan home once she was discharged close to 4:30 and then came home and crashed. Shaina spent the night with us (long story short) because Bron had her car and was just going to bring it here to our house. She said she was going to wake up about 8:30 and go to her work event (not mandatory and unpaid) for a little while to which I said, awesome here is a key I'll be up at 9:30, because my ride for the party was going to get me a little after 10. Well, I wake up get ready, and walk out to see that Shaina was snuggled nicely in bed still. I laughed and left her there. I got home right at 1 pm thinking I would come in to see Bronson working on school work and Shaina gone to her work event. Well to my surprise both of them were still fast asleep and again I just laughed and left her there and went and laid next to Bron. Trent made a bet with Shaina that she would not get up to go at all today, looks like he knows her pretty well. ;) Bronson also said he was going to get up and do school work...well, in the back of my mind I knew that wasn't going to happen...and look a there, I was right too ;)

The beach trip is now planned for not this next weekend but the next :)

How?

I get all the time, "How can you have a period and have not ovulated?" I thought the same thing at times, and didn't understand it but here is how.

Can you fail to ovulate in your cycle, but still get your period?

Question:

The quick answer is, “ Yes, sort of," but the more biologically correct answer is that you can fail to ovulate, but still have anovulatory bleeding. Technically speaking, a period is the bleeding that occurs about 12 to 16 days after the release of an egg. If no egg is released, it is not really a period that follows, but anovulatory bleeding.

There is a huge difference between cycles in which the woman ovulates but does not get her period, and one in which she gets her period but does not ovulate. What is that difference?

In anovulatory cycles, non-charting women may assume they are menstruating normally, so why would they continue to experience bleeding if ovulation has not occurred? Such bleeding results when estrogen production continues to develop the uterine lining without reaching the threshold necessary to trigger ovulation. In such a case, one of two things may happen, which leads to what appears to be a menstrual period.

Either the estrogen will build up slowly to a point below the threshold and then drop, resulting in "estrogen withdrawal bleeding," or more commonly, the endometrium builds up slowly over an extended period of time, eventually to the point where the resulting uterine lining is so thickened it can no longer sustain itself. This is known as "estrogen breakthrough bleeding." In either case, if you weren't charting, you might think you were simply menstruating, though you would maybe notice a difference in the type of bleeding. Specifically the flow can be either unusually heavy or light and of course, the timing can result in cycle lengths all over the map (or the chart).

I hope this helps answer some questions. It is kind of hard to explain, and to explain to people over and over again. ;)

Birthday Wishes

A few days a go Bronson asked me what I wanted for my birthday. We are so blessed with everything we have that it is hard to pin point something I really "need". I usually go through the list of, lip gloss, belly rings, nose rings, ear rings, and toe rings (I think I really like "rings"). Well for Christmas I got belly rings, lip gloss, nose rings and ear rings, and for Easter I got a ton of toe rings ;) so I was kind of out of stuff to say that I needed, but I did come up with a response real fast which was, "a REAL baby". Yes, emphasis on the REAL part. Reason being this...not wanting to wake up to a baby doll, kind of like that 16 year old kid waking up to a hot wheels version of the "REAL" car he wanted. Of course Bron comes off with a sexual response when I asked for a real baby knowing that it would impossible to get me one in a matter of three days. I received so many wonderful birthday wishes today, but one of my favorites was from my close friend who said "and this time next year I pray you will have a baby in your arms." It just touched me. Obviously I can not have a baby by today but now I can continue to move on and look forward to what next year has to offer.

God has a great plan for our lives (twins?) and we can not wait to see what He will bless us with.

1 Peter 1:6
"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.

P.S. Even though Bronson could not get me a "REAL" baby, he got me two beautiful dresses, a gorgeous glass rose, and a weekend trip to the beach for the two of us! Looks like he improvised pretty well ;)