I Will Follow You

I went and spent some time with my friend Kelly yesterday, the one who recently lost her twin daughters. I still have not healed from what has happened so I didn't know how I would react when I saw her. Unfortunately I couldn't hold myself together and I started crying the minute I walked in the door. It was and has been a hard week and I blamed it on that even though, I really knew that I was still mourning the loss of the girls. I didn't want to tell her that at the time though. She talked a lot. Shared a lot of stories about the girls and showed me their room. It was beautiful. She asked how I was doing and told me to tell her about "the hard days" that I have been having. She is such a precious and strong friend. I gave her a book that I hope will help her one day and she asked me to read a book she has just read. It is called I Will Carry You. I am not a reader but I read this book in one day.

The book is about a mom who has three daughters and finds out that she is pregnant with their fourth child. The book is about this fourth child who they find out is a girl and who they name Audrey. The mom named Angie finds out at 16 weeks that something is wrong with Audrey and at 18 weeks is told that Audrey will not live. The Doctors wanted Angie and her husband to abort the baby, but being Christians they would not. They said they would carry her to term. Audrey had no stomach, an enlarged heart, no room for her lungs and she had no amniotic fluid protecting her. The story goes on to tell of Angie and Audrey's journey, her birth and her death and the healing process after.

I told Kelly that I can grieve with her, and be sad with her but I do not know what it is like to bury my children. This book has definitely helped me see what exactly she is going through. I wish I could be her personal body guard to protect her from the world. Unfortunately I can not do that. All I can do is be there for her and to listen to her.

I know this book is about the death of a child, but it is also about Faith, and trusting in God. Those are two things that I need every day to keep me strong on our childless journey. Angie has a lot of scripture and little sayings in the book that touched home in my heart in what we are going through. I would like to take this time to share a few of them with you.

As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
Ecclesiastes 11:5

We do not choose suffering simply because we
are told to, but because the one who tells us to
describes it as the path to ever lasting joy.
-John Piper

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own
understanding;
in all your ways acknowledged him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

This is something she writes in one of her chapters to her readers...

I want you to take a few minutes and process the things in your life that are troubling you; the things you can't seem to understand.
Whatever it is, a loss, a divorce, a death, a hurt, something you feel is out of your control, forgotten by the One who could make it right again---know this.
He has not forgotten.
He heard you call.
He may wait to come to you because He is withholding a blessing in order to give you a better one.

What she wrote above brought tears to my eyes. So powerful and the last part gave me goosebumps.

What she writes next is about a lady who was in the same situation she was. Angie never met this woman but they talked all the time. This woman's son was supposed to be born a couple weeks after Audrey died and Angie prayed and prayed he would live but found out he passed on too.

I literally screamed at the sky while I cried over my own hurt and the hurt of a sister I had never met. He never backs down, though, and I am grateful for that love. It is the love of a Father who Himself is well acquainted with sorrow. It is the love of a Father who has lost His Son. He understands the ranting and the door-slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my sweet Audrey. This next part is the part that touched me.

He knows.

And He only has one request.


Bring it right to me, Angie. (Mikhael)

Every time the anger roars in your heart.

Bring it to me.

Every time you feel like nobody hears you.

Bring it to me.

When you think it isn't fair. When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all.

Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.

I don't know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this. If you can trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece. And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him.

Ever present Counselor, we have to trust You more than we can explain You sometimes.

You are good, Lord.

You are good.

Next is a story about a little girl who asked her daddy a question. She wasn't old enough for the answer so this is what he told her...

He turned to look at me. as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifting his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.
""" "Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?"""" he said.
I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased this morning.
" "It is too heavy," I said.
" Yes" he said. " And I would be a pretty poor father who would ask his daughter to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you".

What a beautiful example not only for our children but for ourselves as children of God. Many things in this life are not meant to be understood. We are simply not strong enough to bear them, but where there are gaps in our understanding, there is also the grace of God who has chosen to carry the traveling case for us.

What I wrote above describes me to the T. I have asked God a question that I just can't and don't understand. Why can't I have a baby? Why not now? Why me? The answer is too heavy for me and it is not my time. God is not leaving me alone. He is beside me carrying my load that I can not handle right now.

I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn
while the world rejoices.
You will grieve,
but your grief will turn to joy.
John 16:20