New light

    This month is the first month in two years Bronson and I have "stopped" trying to have a baby and it has been a wonderful month. (Yes, that sounds weird coming from my mouth for those of you who know me) but it really has been wonderful not having to be pricked, poked and so much more on a weekly basis.
    This month has also been a month of EVERYONE announcing that they are pregnant! It literally happens about once to twice a day. We either see on facebook or hear from someone that another couple is expecting. Usually I would cry and delete the person from our friends list but instead I just move on. I haven’t figured out yet though, if I just move on because I truly am at peace about it or if it is because I am so numb that it just doesn’t sting as bad. After about the eighth pregnancy announcement I sent one of my best friends who already has a little girl a text and said “ok….I know everyone is announcing they are pregnant with their second child so I know you are next. Go ahead and tell me now so I don’t have to read it all over facebook first!” Of course she is not pregnant and would break the news to me gently if she was but I was trying to be funny but at the same time I was like seriously I just want to whine!!! How many more people can be pregnant!?! Well as of 30 minutes ago we have another one added to the list of EVEYONE thanks to facebook.
    A few months ago I met a sweet, sweet girl from church who works for a big fertility clinic here in Atlanta. She heard our story and the next week she had two books for us to read. One of them is called “Moments for Couples Who Long for Children. She honestly could not have brought this book to us at a better time for two days later we had a negative pregnancy test. I think along with prayers and God’s support this book has helped me find the peace I have needed and longed for; for so long now. I would like to share a few of the “devotionals” with you guys every week or so. They are so powerful and I think it will help those of you with children to see a little into our world.
                  The first devotional that meant so much to me was this one:
                                 A Sisterhood of Infertility
    How many women in the Bible struggled with infertility?

·          The mother of Samson, whose son performed amazing feats of strength and courage.

·         Elizabeth, mother of John the Baptist, a prophet who prepared the people for Christ’s arrival.

·         Sarah, mother of Isaac, from whom the nation of Israel sprang.

·         Rebekah, mother of Jacob and Esau.

·         Hannah, mother of the godly prophet, Samuel.

·         Rachel, mother of Joseph, who would save a nation from famine.

    Each of these women, though barren for many years, changed history forever by waiting for God’s answer. The Bible spotlights many stories of mothers who had no hope of conception-until God intervened. Although the Lord never reveals why they had to wait, it always amazes me to read about the child for whom they were waiting.
    In the lives of these women, infertility amounted to an invitation for God to act. God used these women to accomplish great things. In fact, conception despite long infertility held such importance in God’s eyes that He often sent an angel to make the birth announcement.(Take that stupid facebook announcements!) A surprising number of the Bible’s angelic proclamations announce the end of a woman’s infertility and reveal a pending miracle in God’s plan.
    These women endured the agony of waiting and the heartache of feeling the dream of children slip through their fingers. Hannah grieved with such force that a priest who saw her praying mistakenly thought her drunk! Ultimately, God answered each of their prayers as a unique part of His plan for their lives and for the world.
    God is not blind to barrenness. The Bible repeatedly proves that not only is He aware, but He is actively bringing about His plan for our lives-even when we lose all hope. When you feel the despair or hopelessness of fighting a battle that seems to have no end in sight, picture yourself surrounded by this “great cloud of witnesses.” Picture them cheering you on as you handle infertility with hope, faith, and love.

Thank you, Lord, that You surround us with stories of hope and faithful perseverance. Help me take comfort in knowing that You honored these women as they waited for Your answer. It gives me such hope to know that You chose barren women to give birth to such important people in Your plan!

    Writing all of this reminds me how wonderful this book is! I continue to thank everyone for all the kind words and thoughts you have passed to Bronson and me these past two years and for walking with us through this journey.
    And on a funny note I wanted to share a little bit of an e-mail I got today from a friend with three very young children! It put such a big smile on my face and made realize that mine and Bronson’s story is helping people even ones who have children! J I am going to change names of her kids for her privacy (I did not ask her if I could put her e mail on my blog)
    I am glad that you are so honest because holding it all in sounds even more painful. I think it sucks and I want you guys to have children because I know just how amazing and inspirational your story will be for so many. I even think about you in those WWMD moments when “Cuteness# 3” is screaming and I can't figure out what he wants and “husband” has tried and Cuteness# 2 is waking and the whole house is just miserable...I step back from cursing and say to myself: I am blessed to have three children and I know that Mikhael/Bronson would treasure this moment even if it sucks just because they had a little one. Why am I bitching. I know no one wants crazy screaming babies, but given the other option of struggling to have kids or not having a kid desperately wanted I should just shut up and deal! Strangely this thought has worked to pull me back to reality and I have found another solution to help Cuteness# 3 and all has worked out. I hope that thought isn't bizarre, but I have used your struggle to help me when I struggle parenting. I know I'm weird haha but the perspective is oh so important for me to consider.

    I just love my friend so much for sharing that! I never thought MY infertility could help a friend with THREE children!

Peace

I know that it has been quite some time since I have written. Things have been very busy. Some great things have happened and then some not so great things. I will give a little update on everything in order to get prayers going for Bronson and myself.

As most of you know Bronson was finally hired here in Atlanta. He is an Accountant II Supervisor for UPS Capital and loves it. They are a great company to work for and Bronson is so excited. We have found a house we would like to buy but it will not be ready until the end of September. That will mean that we will have lived with my mom and step dad for over a year and that we have not had our own place for 15 months.
We are very grateful to be allowed to stay here to save up money for a down payment and to pay off some of the debt we acquired while being unemployed but we can not wait for our own place again!

With that said and everything going great with the job we will talk a little about the infertility. Bronson and I decided that we needed to move on to a new procedure to try and get pregnant. We agreed that we would try IUI aka artificial insemination. It was a pretty expensive process due to the fact that our insurance does not cover ANY thing to do with infertility but it was still cheaper than IVF and IUI was the next step onto the infertility ladder. We went through all the test and treatments we needed that went a little like this.

• Day 1-3 of your cycle you go in for an ultrasound and blood work. The ultrasound was to make sure that your ovaries did not have any cyst on them as well as to check your ovarian reserve.
• Day 3-7 take fertility drugs to induce ovulation.
• Day 11-13 go back in for more blood work and another ultrasound to check how many eggs had matured.
• Day 14 get a HCG injection
• Day 15 go in for IUI
• 7 days later go in for blood work to make sure you ovulated
• 12 days later go in for blood work to check for pregnancy

These past few months I felt like we were constantly at the doctor. We did our first IUI and everything looked great. From ultrasound to blood work everything was PERFECT! Bronson and I started planning dates, when to tell family, looking at different nursery options and so much more. We just knew this was God's timing and that everything was going to fall into place. I went in for blood work 7 days after our IUI and the nurse called and said everything was beautiful and all my levels were high. I have never seen Bronson so excited. At this time he was interviewing with UPS and everything was on track for the job (another reason we thought everything was going to work) That next week we went in for blood work. I'll never forget it was a Friday morning. I had that day off from work but Bronson was filming that day. He brought me home and before he left he kissed me, rubbed my stomach, said a prayer for me and told me this was it. I waited all afternoon for my phone call. I was so excited. I was debating on how to tell Bronson. Do I wait til he gets home and share the great news or do I send him a text message that says "you are going to be a daddy...." i thought and thought until the phone call came. I was so anxious to hear the happy news. The phone call went a little like this..

Nurse: "Mrs. Sullivan"

Me: "Yes, this is she"

Nurse: pause..."I am sorry but the test was negative"

Me: crying "Thank you for calling" and I hung up the phone. I didn't even wait to hear what else she had to say.

Next I opened up my text messaging to send Bronson a message that said "negative". Before I could send it he called to tell me he was done filming and was on his way home. I couldn't even talk all I did was cry and he knew. He was crushed. Our happy Friday turned into one of the most tear filled days we have had in a while. We just didn't understand. Everything was falling into place. God was allowing things to happen. It has us so confused.

Bronson did not want to do another cycle of IUI. The last month cost us right about $1800 out of pocket and he wanted to wait. I asked if we could try just one last time and then I told him we could be done. We did another one and everything went even better this time. Bronson was offered the job, levels were high again and then.....negative. This month put us out over $2000 due to more test they had to run.

We talked to the doctor and he said our next option is IVF. He said he highly recommends it for us. Bronson looked at me and told me that we were not going to do anything until we are covered by his new insurance with UPS. They are supposed to have amazing benefits. We were unaware of the exact cost of IVF but knew that it was pricey. I jumped at the recommendation and said we would do it once we get the new insurance that was until we were given the price sheet.

The cheapest cycle for IVF is $12,000 and it goes up to $25,000. The first price is for one round of IVF and the last price is for 3 rounds of IVF. We were devastated when we heard the pricing. There is no way we can afford this. Right now everything is in Gods hands. We are through with tyring until we find out if we have insurance coverage for infertility or not and if we don't then we are going to pray for strength and ask God to get us through this time as we stop trying for the family we have desperately wanted to two years now.

God has given me a peace that could not have come at a better time. A peace that is ok with waiting because my body is so tired of being in pain and a peace that my husband and I won't be at the doctor every week and a peace that God has a plan. This peace does not take the tears away or the sadness away when I read on facebook that two more people are pregnant or that another unwed girl is pregnant but it gives me the peace to wait.