Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

I have been having some wonderful days lately, despite the clomid and estrogen I have been taking. I still can't help but wonder and want so deeply for our child though. Only now it is not in such a saddend or depressed way, but a hopeful, yearning kind of way. Knowing it is in God's hands and that our time is coming. In fact just today I bought three little things for what my mom calls my baby HOPE chest. It is growing fuller and fuller as the months pass on, but sometimes I can't pass up the cute baby stuff I see. Below is a little quote that I wish I could say I wrote. Word for word it has been things I have either thought or said out loud and frankly I was a little shocked when I read it knowing that I was not the one to write them. For those of you who don't understand or know what it feels like to not be able to get pregnant, here is a little insite into my mind for when I become a mother.


Thoughts on becoming a mother...
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.