Short and sweet

I can not believe that my last post was at the end of August! I was just informed by my wonderful friend Kinsey that I need to update my blog. So much has been going on that I never have the time to just sit and type something. The title to this post is short and sweet because this will not be a long post for the reason being I am exhausted and was heading to bed. I just wanted ya'll to know that I will update really soon with everything that has been going on in our lives...So keep looking for new post! :)

Changes

The font I picked for this post is called "Georgia". I find it to be appropriate for the fact that this post will be about Georgia. It has been almost 8 weeks since Bronson lost his job. Due to a lot of prayer and communication between the two of us we have come to the conclusion that our time in Gainesville is over for now. We will be moving to Atlanta where I was offered my old teaching job and where there is more opportunity for Bronson to find a good Accounting job. We are leaving the 24th of September. We will miss all of our family and friends here, but we are very excited for the new things that we will be facing in the next few months.

To quote a great friend, "It is not about where you can make the most money, but where you can serve God better". This is how we have set our hearts and know that if we are serving God and putting Him first then we will be blessed whether it is here or in Atlanta.

Space please?

It has been such a different experience living here with Bronson's mom. I keep trying to make the best out of it but it is just not home here. It is not comfortable or private for us. We either have his brother, his mom or both in our room (the only actually place of privacy for us other than the bathroom).

All I want is some SPACE. I would love to spend time with my husband without having to worry if his mom is about to come sit on our bed for 30 minutes or if his brother is about to come in to ask for our computer or something.

I am trying to keep my mouth shut and not start anything so that I don't "ruin" my relationship with my mother in law but it is so hard!

On a positive note, my relationship with Bronson has gotten so much stronger. We have talked more, spent more time together and have just loved being together. I am so grateful for this opportunity that we have all of this time together. I know it is going to be hard once he goes back to work thoough.

Just keep praying for us please, pray that we find peace and guidance on where to go and where we can serve God better.

Readjusting

Everything changed on the morning of July 13th for the two of us. It was another normal Wednesday morning when Bronson kissed me goodbye at 5:15 am to go to work. I didn't have to wake up til 9 for Blake and then I was going to get the house ready for my mom, sister and niece who were coming for a few days.

I was awoken at 7:15 am by Bronson who was standing over me with tears in his eyes. I sat up scared having no idea what could be wrong. Had he been in a wreck? Had there been a death? Was he sick? All these thought ran through my head, everything except for the response he gave me. He simple said in a quiet voice was, " I was let go today". I instantly called my mom to tell her she was going to have to come sooner than she thought. I needed the support and advice she could give.

We cried together for a while, scared. Not knowing what was going to happen. Then we prayed together. There was an instant calm over us. We started to talk about our options and plans and went down to our apartment office to figure out what would happen if we had to move out (our lease was not up until March). The manager was very sweet and understanding. She kept saying that something would come up and we would be able to stay, but Bronson and I knew that wasn't true. We longed and wished to stay in our new place. We loved it. It was a large 1300 sq ft two bed room two bathroom with a sun room apartment. We had just painted and finished hanging everything on the walls. We simply loved our "home". Our wonderful new home was also about 1000 $ a month.

We came to the decision later that day that we would move in with Bronson's mom by August 1st. We had already paid rent for all of July, but could not afford rent for August. We were told by the office that we would owe two months rent for "breaking" our lease. This was a hard blow. We didn't have 2000 $ and we sure weren't going to have a way of getting it any time soon. Bronson did apply for unemployment but it would be a 6 week process or more to see if we qualify or not. The office also said that if we found anyone to "take over" our lease, meaning we would sign our lease over to these new people, whoever they be, we would not owe two months rent and we would be out of the lease with no problems at all. So we put our apartment on craigslist and prayed continuously. God answered our prayer and we got a call the day we were moving out from a man saying he was in the office and he would like to take over our lease. We had to buy paint and re paint the walls and had to pay to have the carpet cleaned. We gladly took the offer and said that 100 $ for paint and carpet cleaning was way better than 2000 $. Thank you Lord, for being there for us.

We started packing immediately. We had a busy couple of weeks, with Blue Ridge right smack in the middle of our move. Before Blue Ridge my sister spent two days helping me pack and getting organized. All of our stuff was going in Susan's garage, so that we wouldn't have to pay for storage. Brittney and I got a lot done before our trip to Blue Ridge. We left Wednesday night and got back Monday afternoon, and had to be out of the apartment by Friday. Not to forget I had Blake everyday before Blue Ridge and everyday after Blue Ridge. Lets just say we now know what it is like to pack and move with a 20 month old.

We moved all our stuff to Susan's on Wednesday, but didn't want to start staying here yet. We were really struggling with going from our own space as a married couple for two years to going to a small bedroom and a shared bathroom with his younger brother. Our first night here at our new "house" was Friday. I had a really hard time. There is no space for us. The bathroom cabinets were already full, the bedroom closet was already full and nothing was ours. I fell apart. I keep trying to be positive but not feeling at home and feeling like I have to tip toe around where I live is very uncomfortable. I try to stay strong for Bronson because every time I am upset he feel more and more like a failure.

It has been hard to go to church and see our friends who have families, and houses and jobs, and their own space. I do not want pity from people so I just stay quiet and avoid people who want to ask about Bronson's job or our new place. On top of everything else, we thought we were pregnant. I had some great news the beginning of the month. I went in for blood work and found out that I had ovulated! It was so exciting. After a few weeks, I started having a lot of pregnancy symptoms. I took a test that came out negative but I was told I tested too early and that I needed to test again in a few days. We were so excited. Bronson wouldn't let me lift anything heavy while moving and did 90% of the work himself. Friday night, our first night at Susan's, I started to see some blood. It was very light and I kept telling myself that it was normal and that I was definitely pregnant. We were supposed to do more lifting and sitting in the sun for a garage sale Saturday, so I wanted to take another test so that if I was pregnant I wouldn't work too hard. A big ol fat negative that test was too. By this time if I was pregnant there would be no way for a negative test, I would have been about 5 weeks. I shed a few tears, prayed to God for strength and went about my day without telling Bronson anything (he still thought I could be pregnant and he was so excited).

We went through our day having fun at the garage sale and keeping things off my mind, but then it was over and the day slowed. We came home and took a nap. I couldn't sleep much. I was so depressed from the move, the negative test, and just being completely worn out. I woke Bronson up crying and finally told him about the test. He couldn't believe I hadn't told him all day and was concerned about me. I cried for the next hour and a half while he tried to comfort me. We prayed together again and then just spent the rest of the night in our tiny room.

I keep praying that things will get better and become more comfortable, but it is just not home here. All I pray now is that the time passes fast. Bronson wants to finish school here, he has 12 more weeks. Then we are going to start applying to jobs in Atlanta. After looking for two years for a job here we have come to the conclusion that we need to move to a bigger city to get on our feet. We picked Atlanta because we will have to stay in my parents basement for a few months and I will have a teaching job waiting for me. The church there is amazing as well and we are very excited to start meeting more great christian people.

Good days

Lately my days have been really good. I am not sure if it is for the fact that I am staying busier with friends and family or if my "natural" (red clover) anti depressant is actually working. Either way, I am not going to complain but only apologize for I am not writing as much. I will still keep y'all posted a long the way as new things happen and come up but as for now there is no new news and we are still staying strong and keeping positive!

Just let me cry

I got this poem from a friend and felt like it hit the spot.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
We're not just tossed by the wind or left in the hands of fate.
But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected.
And we're forced to face our deepest pain.
And when I feel the heartache begin to pull me under,
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground.
Still at times, the hurt inside grows stronger,
And there's nothing I can do but let it out.

So just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
So just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me,
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.
But I know He knows exactly how I'm feeling,
And I know, in time, He'll take the pain away,
But for now

Just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
Just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.

I've felt joy! The kind that makes my heart want to sing!
So my tears are not a surrender,
I''ll feel that way again.
But for now, for this moment...

Just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
Just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.

I believe that everything happens for a reason..."

Don't say anything at all

Being around Kelly, after the death of her girls I have realized that in awkward situations people just don't know what to say...therefore they should say nothing at all. I have dealt with this a lot with what we are going through. This post might be a little touchy, just for the fact that some of the things I am going to write that have upset me or are upsetting me have been said by some people who are going to read this. I am the type that does not hold my tongue well, so when people "give" advice or try to encourage me, but their "advice" is actually the complete opposite of encouraging; it takes a lot for me to keep quite and to smile. So now I am going to list off some of the top "worst advice" tips we have been given. Even though some of them are true, and I believe them also I just DO NOT need to hear it another time. From ANYBODY. I will write the "advice" part first and then in italics I will write my thoughts and what I wish I could tell people. Instead I usually just smile and say thank you or say nothing at all. I hope that whoever reads this understands that sometimes your words of "encouragement" do more damage than uplifting and to start thinking before you speak. And honestly if you have never been in the situation someone is in, I would encourage you to simple say "I am sorry and I will be praying for you". End of story! And if you have been or are going through the same situation as someone then you will never have a comment like any of the below.

• You are still young (oh really? Well thanks for telling me my age. I didn't realize it, and do you realize it takes TWO to have a baby and my husband is not my age!)
• You just need to stop thinking about it (SAY WHAT? You are telling me to stop thinking about something that is built into me as a Christian woman. A natural want in life? JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT? Ok, Ill get right on that when you stop thinking period!)
• You might be 30 and still trying to have your first child (Are you CRAZY!? We have plenty more options and there is no way on God's green earth that we are going 7 more years with out a child!!!!!)
• You just need to adopt a child. I hear once you adopt you will become pregnant, but don't get a baby because then you would have two the same age. (Ok seriously! You are off your freaking rocker. There is no way we are going to spend 10 to 12 grand to adopt someone who is not an infant and we sure aren't going to adopt "just because we will then become pregnant")
• You are too tense, you need to start drinking (Never drank in my life before, not gonna start now. Its a moral thing. NOT GONNA DO IT!)
  
• Well you haven't been trying that long (Well actually to us this is very long, and to each there own. Some people can try 5-10 years "on their own" won't be us. As I mentioned above, there are plenty of other options and we will not go 5-10 more years without a child)
• Just enjoy your time together without kids bothering you (Ok, so this is one of the ones that I ALREADY know and I don't need people telling me this when they find out we can't have children)
• If you can't get pregnant, then it is God telling you you shouldn't parents ($%@# you!)
• You need to stop trying, then it will happen (seriously?)
• It's just not the right time. (Another one I KNOW, just don't need other people telling us over and over)
• You may never have your own children ( Why thank you friend for the encouragement. Remind me to come to you next time I am down and need some uplifting!)
  

Lately I have cried a lot, but today was an angry day and I wanted to get it out. I still love each and every one of you. I just also want you to be aware of how it feels to be told these things.