Our thanks are not enough

I have not written in many months so as I went to write my blog for today I re-read my post from June 19th and it gives me chills. As I sat and wrote that blog with such confidence I had no idea what God was doing inside my body. At the time I was 3 weeks pregnant and didn't even know it. I had such a peace about God's timing not realizing he already allowed our dream to start growing. Now that we are expecting our miracle my blog will change from talking about being infertile to becoming the mommy I have always wanted to be...Here is how our story started. 

July 8th, 2012 changed Bronson and my life forever. From June to July I didn't really feel any different at all. We were still very excited about our new house that was being built and focused on spending time with family and traveling. The only thing unusual in July was that I was "late". I never let Bronson know anything and for about a week I kept waiting. After the week had come and gone with out starting I told myself I would take a test. I did not want to get Bronson's hopes up so I kept everything quiet. One Sunday afternoon, Bronson was taking a nap so I went upstairs to find one of my old pregnancy test from my fertility treatments. It was a few months old but the expiration date was 2013 so I decided I would use it. I was so nervous trying not to get my hopes up I had nothing pointing to pregnancy other than being late...I didn't feel sick, tired, sore, dizzy or any other things they tell you to look for. I put the test on the sink and looked away. And once I looked down I was in disbelief! After about 30 or more negative pregnancy test I finally had a POSITIVE! It was clear as day and I was speechless. I remember thanking God over and over. After a few minutes I came downstairs to tell Bronson. I hid the test behind my back and walked in the room to find Bronson just waking up. I tried to play it cool but I was sssooo shaky. I said "Hey babe, you think you can take a couple weeks of next year around February or March?" He responded with "Well sweetie, that's all the vacation time I get. Why do you ask?" I panicked and didn't know what to say so I squealed "Cause we will be in the hospital!!" and I pulled out the test. Bronson was in SHOCK! He couldn't believe the test and kept asking me if it was legit. I told him yes but we ended up taking 4 more test just to be sure. We had so many emotions we didn't know what to do. 

The very next day I called my doctor to set up an appointment. They scheduled me to come in that Tuesday the 10th. We went in to confirm the pregnancy and to ask questions. I was nervous because I had some cramping but our Doctor reassured us that some woman just cramp through out their pregnancy. He told us to be concerned if we saw blood. We finished up our appointment by scheduling another appointment 3 weeks down the road for our first ultrasound. We left the office over the moon! I usually dread going to the OB cause of all the pregnant woman there and now I was one of them. There was nothing that could change how happy I was...or so I thought.

One of my best friends was coming from Texas on Thursday the 12th to spend 5 days with me. I was so early in my pregnancy (5 weeks) that I wasn't going to say anything to her or anyone else. We wanted to be safe and didn't want to have to tell a ton of people if something went wrong. Well, something did go wrong and she ended up finding out the day she got in town. Bronson was working that day so my mom went with me to pick Kins up from the airport. We got home at the same time as Bronson so we changed clothes and got ready to head out to dinner. I went to the bathroom before we left to find a large amount of blood. My heart stopped and I knew the worse was happening. I called Bronson up to the bathroom and started crying. He told me to get in the car and to call the doctor. I pulled myself together, walked downstairs and got outside to where my friend was and I lost it! I told her that I was 5 weeks pregnant but I was bleeding. Bronson and Kinsey led me to the car where I called the on call doctor from the office. I was crying so hard the doctor couldn't understand me. He told me it sounded like and could possibly be a miscarriage. He asked if I was in pain to which I responded no. Since I was not in pain he told me to come to the office first thing in the morning so that he could do an ultrasound and blood work to see if I was still pregnant. He told me if I started to have pain to come into the hospital. I can not tell you how many times I prayed that night! 

The next morning we woke up and drove the long 50 minutes drive to the doctors office. I was sick to my stomach with nerves the whole time. Waiting in the waiting room was excruciating and then we were called back. They took Bronson and I straight back to the ultrasound room and said I'm not sure what we will find but lets see. They also kept telling us that if we were still pregnant that I was too early and we might not be able to see the baby. Well she started the ultrasound and said well there's the heart beat. HEART BEAT??!!!! What? I thought Bronson was going to faint! We were so relieved but then were worried about where the blood was coming from. The ultrasound reviled that I had a bleed in my uterus. The doctor came in and said he did not expect to see a baby and that we were very lucky. He said that the uterus bleed was actually common and should dry up, but there was a chance it could grow and cause us to lose the baby. He sent me home on bed rest and told me to come back in a week. 

Long story short the baby was and has always been healthy. We went back the next week and the bleed was gone in my uterus even though I continued to bleed on and off for about two weeks. They kept a close eye on me my whole first trimester but at our last appointment (14 weeks) we were told that everything was great and we were safe to tell everybody. That was also the day we found out baby Sully is a boy!! :) 

My whole first trimester I was a nervous wreck. Dealing with infertility for two years really put a negative impact on me for when I finally was pregnant, I couldn't accept it because the answer was always no you are not pregnant! I would wake up some days and think oh my goodness I am not pregnant anymore and I would have to go in to the doctors to hear the heartbeat. I thought I was going crazy but my doctor told me that this was normal for people who went through infertility and that he was more than happy to let us hear the heartbeat as often as we wanted. Now that I am in my second trimester and showing my nerves have gone down some and the doctor says they will really go away once I feel him move. I can't not wait for that!! 

God has blessed Bronson and I so much that our thank yous will never be enough. I want to personally thank everyone who prayed for us and has been there for us during this time. We can now say that God has placed a miracle in me and we can't wait to meet him. Bronson and I close on and move into our house next Friday and Bronson's job is going great! There was no way in the beginning of our journey that I would say waiting two years for this job, house and baby would be worth it but IT IS! This is everything God has planned for us, not us planning it and that makes it so special! 

I still have quite a few friends dealing with infertility and to respect them I will not make many Facebook announcements, with news like "I just felt the baby move!" Or "I am this many weeks a long, only this many more to go", or belly pics. I will leave that on my blog for those who want to look at it. I hope that you all will continue on this journey with us! And again thank you for your prayers they were the only thing that worked!

Purpose in Life

These past few weeks have been good. I have not blocked the most recent pregnant couples on facebook and I even unblocked one of them earlier this week. Bronson and I made it through Father’s day without tears and didn’t even skip church that day. I was telling my sister- in- law to be, this past weekend, that I KNOW our time is coming soon. I can tell that something is different and the way things are working out that God is putting his arms around me and whispering that our dreams are about to come true. He is holding me tight because they still have not happened but the calming of my Father in heaven whispering “It’s alright baby, just hold on a little longer” gives me hope and strength to move forward in a positive way daily. I know that God will bless us with children one day for God did not make me to love children with as much passion as I do just to take that ability away from me. God does not give you a gift in life and never allow you to use your gift. It is with this mindset that I have FULL confidence that our time is coming. We just have to be patient for it.

Bronson and I have so much to look forward to with the purchase of our house coming up. We go to it weekly to see what new things they have done to build it. We have finally put our minds on something other than our childless home. We are busy with design appointments, picking out the counter tops, cabinets, carpet and so much more. We have always dreamed of owning a home together but the money was never there. We finally stopped wasting money on failed fertility treatments and put it in something that when God blesses us with children, will in return bless our children to have a home. We still have three more months here with my parents, but time will fly and as soon as we know it we will be settling into our first home together.

When I opened up my devotional book, the first couple of pages screamed out to me. It was exactly what I was writing my blog about. “Purpose in Life”

Purpose in Life

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me.

Psalms 138:8

Infertility can turn your world upside down. It can derail your plans, causing you to feel helpless to get back on track. You may question your purpose in life, wondering what you are meant to do if children are not in your future (or at least your immediate future). Depression can overwhelm you as you scramble to adjust to this unwelcome dissolution of your plans and dreams.

God’s Word promises us that, however we feel, we do have a heavenly purpose and God will fulfill it. That purpose might differ from the one you’ve designed for yourself, or it may be the same but with a different timeline. Because God has a purpose for you and for this suffering, you have no responsibility to create the purpose or bring it to pass. You are responsible only to look to God for guidance as He reveals His purpose for your life, and then act in obedience to this calling and to His Word.

Your life has purpose, and this purpose remains despite your current crisis of infertility. In fact, it may well be that this crisis forms a large part of God’s purpose for you. Throughout the Bible, suffering became the catalyst for dynamic healing and spiritual growth. When we suffer, we are more likely to turn to God and willingly to follow His leading. We become much more likely to listen and obey when we believe God can grant us relief. God, in His mercy, will not allow our sorrows to be wasted. He promises that we won’t suffer in vain if we turn to Him in our heartache.

The victory of Jesus on the cross means that we are not bound by apparent reality, but by Truth. What seems to be the end is only the beginning. What enemies intended to use to break our hearts becomes the very thing that brings healing and opens our mouths wide in joyful song. The piercing loneliness of infertility becomes a blessing as God reveals incredible comforts and helps us in turn to comfort others. God is shaping you for a great purpose—His purpose, and you can find strength for the battle today by remembering that He WILL fulfill this vision!

Lord, perhaps we can’t see Your clear purpose in our waiting for a child, but it eases our pain to know You do indeed have a plan. Help us to remember that every little obstacle, every lonely week that passes and every month that disappoints us is moving us toward the fulfillment of Your plan, not away from it.

Weekend Escape

So mother’s day has come and gone, and was probably one of the best weekends I have had in a long time, thanks to Bronson for planning a weekend escape. We enjoyed the weekend by making first time memories together of places never been and lasting experiences of somewhat sketchy hotels and more. We also were blessed to meet up with a friend of mine who lives outside of Nashville, enjoying fun conversations over the best Bar-B-Q! Another amazing thing about this past weekend was all the thoughts, text, and letters I received from friends and family saying they were thinking of me and praying for me. I was overwhelmed with emotion that people were remembering me on Mother’s day. Bronson and I also purposely skipped Church (which we NEVER do) but I figured God would understand. He knows the pain we go through and Mother’s day is not in the bible (at least that’s how I justified it).

It was also an emotional day for the fact that one year ago, yesterday, we stayed at the hospital with our dear friends who were told earlier that morning their precious twin girls didn’t make it. So we sat and cried, prayed and questioned God while we waited for their birth and last day of life all at once. My friend was the first thing I thought of waking up Sunday and was the first person I contacted. Thankfully God has blessed them and they are expecting again (she is in labor as I type this) and I know that yesterday was so bittersweet for her. Such a sweet person who is already a mother but does not have her girls to hold, yet she has a beautiful baby boy who is waiting to make his arrival.

Unfortunately, Bronson and I were rained out of our adventures we had planned for Sunday. Instead we stayed in bed a little longer, checked out, and drove home in the pouring rain. It rained all day. I ended the day by doing something that basically defeated the purpose of “escaping” Mother’s day, which was going to the hospital to see my boss’s new grandbaby, and before that was going and buying him tiny clothes. I told mom I was nervous and got a little teary eyed on the way to the hospital but thankfully I held it together once we got there. I tried to make sure I didn’t pay attention to my surroundings, and I for sure avoided the nursery like crazy! God was with me and allowed my emotions to flee the whole time we were there. To me that was a sign of strength I didn’t know I had. After that, mom and I went and ate sushi. I do not think she knew it but it helped so much to talk and enjoy funny stories from our weekend before coming home and just sitting, for when I just sit, I think, and thinking is not a good thing for me. Especially when I leave a hospital full of new babies on Mother’s day!

Overall, because of how big “mankind” has made Mother’s day I couldn’t escape it for good but it was fun trying and it was nice getting away, just Bronson and me.

This weekend ties into the devotional I would like to share today. Even though some will say I “ran away” this weekend I think of it more as knowing I couldn’t get away from it but by planning activities it helped me to stay strong and focus on something other than “I am not a mother”. And by going to the labor and delivery section of the hospital to visit a family who just gave birth shows that I choose to “march on”.

You’re in the Army Now!

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, DO NOT FEAR; I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

New recruits to the armed services go on torturous marches, carry heavy gear on their backs, and often walk through terrible conditions. They can’t stop, get precious few rest stops, and no one asks how they feel about the journey. Recruits who cannot complete the march suffer shame and humiliation and often get discharged from service.

You too, may feel as though you’ve been drafted against your will into the long march of infertility. Suddenly you’re sloshing through unpleasant conditions, heavy burdens weighing down your shoulders.

Are you short of breath, worn out, and unsure whether to go on? Should you give up and accept defeat? If so, you may have reached what military recruits call The Hump, the critical junction where you choose between defeat or against-all-odds endurance. Recruits know that although they face great battle of physical endurance, the battle of their minds to stay on the course is even greater.

Our testing ground is spiritual as well as mental. We can choose to sit down in despair and defeat, exclaiming that God cannot love us if He allowed this march against our will and amid these terrible conditions. Or we can choose to give away our agenda and give up our fears- into the hands of a loving God. We can decide to trust Him for the final outcome, regardless of what that might be.

If you have reached The Hump, you are nearing the end of your own power. You cannot complete this march relying on your own ability and with your own resources. You will feel tempted to plop down, to quit trying for a child, and to give up on God entirely. You can choose to stop this relentless march. You can weep for what you do not have and what has not been done and leave behind your faith in a just a loving God. Or you can walk on, receiving your strength from the outstretched arms of an unseen but ever-faithful God. God asks that we continue this march only on the promise that He is good and that He will provide whatever we need, when we need it.

You can end this march in one of two ways. Retreat and never conquer-or abandon the weight of fears and personal agendas and resolutely walk on in faith. The choice is yours.

Lord, when we grow tired and do not know if we should quit or continue, please allow us rest and refreshment. Encourage us and give us strength. Increase our faith so that we can believe in Your overwhelming love and direction more than we believe in the apparent reality of our circumstances. Help us not to focus in anger at the circumstances or the seeming injustice of being forced into this march against our will. If we have to choose between asking You for the strength to endure and questioning You about Your methods, grant us trust and power to choose the former!

Mother's Day

As Mother’s day quickly approaches, there is no way to escape it. From the radio to television to stores and even friends and family, everyone is talking about it. Mother’s day has been a day that I have come to dread. It is a slap on the face to infertile woman all over the world. As I was searching the internet for poems for infertile woman on Mother’s day I came across a website that talks about a special day for woman dealing with infertility. It is called National Infertility Survival Day. It was founded in 2004 by Beverly Barna, author of Infertility Sucks! Keeping it All Together When Sperm and Egg Stubbornly Remain Apart (Xlibris Corporation, 2002). Barna describes the holiday like this:

“I hope National Infertility Survival Day will lift their spirits and give them the impetus to celebrate themselves and that which they do have. This is not to negate the very real despair they may be facing. Rather, it’s an opportune time to stop and smell the Chanel, and also to blunt the emotional pummeling that can occur leading up to, on and around Mother’s Day. And it’s also a vehicle through which those close to them can provide meaningful, creative, and fun support."

The holiday falls on the first Sunday of the month of May. In 2012, the holiday is celebrated on May 6.

Scheduled for the weekend before Mother’s Day, the holiday's timing is intentional, so it can blunt the sadness and frustration that many women feel as Mother’s Day approaches.

How cool is that!? Too bad I found this today and not yesterday or sooner. At least I now know and can look forward to this in the future if needed. This Mother’s day I hope that I can smile for my mother and step mother and to be grateful for them but at the same time I hope people can be sympathetic towards those who long to be mother’s. Here are two poems I found that fit how I feel for this so called “wonderful” holiday.

“Happy Mother's Day”
it comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope

everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!
-RS

The Day I Hate Most of All

Some days I’ve learned to dread
More than all the rest,
Difficult to get through
I try my very best.
The day I hate most of all
Always comes in May,
It happens each and every year
We call it Mother’s Day.
In church they’re given flowers
At home a handmade card,
Dad making everyone some lunch
Kids playing in the yard.
Reminds me what I do not have
Instead of what I do,
A little one to give a hug
And say, “Mom, I love you”.
Tomorrow I will live again
Just let me mourn this day,
I pray that I can make it
Through another Mother’s Day.

~Susan Reardon

Forgiving cruel remarks

All I remember about Sunday was being guided out of Church as I cried so hard I could hardly breathe. This past weekend Bronson and I were at my dad and step moms house for our annual family reunion. We had a great time on Saturday and I even got to spend hours talking to my cousin who went through infertility for years and finally had a success story with IVF. I didn’t cry a tear. I talked positively and firmly about God taking the lead in our fertility journey and enjoyed sharing everything with my cousin.

Sunday morning Bronson and I drove to Church with Mrs. P. for my dad always runs about 20 minutes late, therefore he takes his own car. We got to church just in time to sit down before it started. As we walk in I see an old friend sitting in the back. She recently got married because she was 4 months pregnant. I tried not to look at her or judge her. I just sat down and waited for service to start. Church started a little different that morning. Instead of starting off with singing like normal the minister got up and started making announcements. The first 5 minutes were announcements of babies being born, their weight, height, and utter excitement for the parents and grandparents. At this point Mrs. P. (my step mom) leaned over and said “come on, let’s go. You do not need to hear this.” I said I was “ok”, so we continued to listen to the rest of the announcements. Well that was the biggest mistake of my life. The next 5 minutes were all about who all was pregnant at the church and THEN the minister asked the expecting couple to stand so that we could see how happy and beautiful they were!! Everyone “awed” and that’s when I couldn’t hold back the tears! I lost it. I was crying so hard I couldn’t see the people in front of me. The couple sat down just in time for the minister to continue gloating about the couple and how amazing she looked being pregnant and how happy the husband was and how huge their smiles were on their faces! Mrs. P. then looked at me and didn’t even allow me to say I was ok. She grabbed my arm and she and Bronson had to escort me out of the building. We got out of the assembly right as I let out the most awful cry. Bronson was speechless and my step mom was in tears for my pain.

I got in the car and was so embarrassed that I couldn’t control my emotions better and was worried what people were going to think of me. Bronson and Mrs. P. kept telling me that was inappropriate and that it was ok to fall apart. I told them how just the day before I was fine with everything. How I had talked to Clancy for hours and didn’t shed a tear. They put their arms around me and loved on me till I felt better.

I wrote that story to tie into my devotional for today. I know that the minister had no idea that he was crushing me harder and harder with every word he spoke but it cut me so deep that I have not recovered from Sunday’s experience, yet. Last year I also wrote a blog on all the mean and hurtful things people have said to us over the course of the past two years. They did not know just how hurtful they were being, they were nervous and caught off guard but I believe that people still should be mindful of everyone.

I hope this helps those who do not know what to do or say when caught off guard or in an awkward situation.

Forgiving Cruel Remarks

Jesus said, “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Luke 23:34

Can you name every insensitive thing said to you about infertility and conception? I can. Those careless words, rarely intended to hurt, seemed to sear themselves into my brain. A woman once suggested that I had some hidden sin in my life and that I would at last become pregnant when I confessed and repented. A different woman at my office shared horror stories of “a friend of a friend” who exhausted her marriage and bank account to become pregnant, only to wind up alone and bankrupt.

Infertile couples certainly are not alone, of course, in suffering through well-intentioned insults. One woman whose daughter had committed suicide by hanging herself received a sympathy card showing a cartoon animal dangling by its neck from a tree. The caption read, “Hang in There!” Anyone who has suffered a tragedy or life-changing illness probably can recount hurtful stories of unintentional blunders by well-meaning people.

Yet friends and loved ones rarely mean to hurt us with their words. Often at a loss about what to say-and uncomfortable with silence-they just saw whatever comes to mind. Others who wound us carelessly may have no idea that we’re struggling to conceive.

So how should we respond? Should we retaliate? Most of us have many ways of retaliating. Repeating the offense in the form of gossip gives us an indirect means of retaliation. Lashing out verbally or criticizing the offender provides a more straightforward approach.

As Jesus hung on the cross, crucified by those who rejected Him as Savior, He did neither. He spoke not a word of retaliation. Jesus did not attempt to justify Himself to them or even try to respond to their insults with the truth. Instead, He spoke of forgiveness. “Father,” He said, “forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” We may want to retaliate-but in fact, retaliating will only drive others away at the very time we most need their prayers and encouragement. Jesus calls us to forgive instead.

If you want to imitate Christ’s example, you must forgive even before you’re asked. Also ask God to forgive the offender. Then try to lovingly explain what words hurt and how friends and loved ones can best support you. Many people simply don’t know how to respond to suffering; forgiveness frees you to guide them from hurting to helping.

Try to realize, too, that you may be guilty of the same offenses. There have been times in the past and there will surely be times in the future when you will say or do the wrong thing, despite the best of intentions. Wouldn’t you want to know that your friend judged you by your good intentions instead of your hurtful blunders?

Lord, even as You died on the cross for us, we said things to intentionally hurt You and cause You pain. And yet You forgave us, before we asked and before we cared. Please show me how to forgive those who hurt me, too, before they ask and before they even realized what they’ve done. I trust You to teach them how to be sensitive to those who hurt, just as You are teaching me.