I was never that little girl that dreamed of my wedding, what it would be like, what kind of dress I would wear, what kind of flowers I would have and so on. I was the little girl that dreamed of being a mommy. I remember being about 5 and wanting balloons and other various items to stuff in my shirt to look pregnant. I felt so magical walking around with a big tummy. I also remember that on every birthday and Christmas for years I would ask for a doll, but not just any doll. This doll had to be life size, use the bathroom, be able to feed, and cry. My poor mom searched and searched but there was no such doll. Finally, at 51/2 I got the most amazing doll that ended up going everywhere with me. Her name was Abby and she was beautiful. She was the size of a real baby, she looked like a real baby, she just didn't go to the bathroom, eat, or cry. This did not stop me from putting diapers on her, changing her and buying her actual new born clothes from the store. I'll never forget saving my money and going to Burlington Coat Factory to buy Abby the cutest shoes and onesies. I was so proud. I became a "mother's helper" at the age of 8. I would go to peoples homes and watch their baby while they cleaned, showered, napped or anything that a new mom didn't have time for anymore. By 11 I was babysitting with my sister on a regular basis and keeping children is still what I do today, 12 years later. Children have always been the joy of my life. So, how is it that something I want so bad and have wanted for years can not happen to me?
At the age of 18 I was diagnosed with Poly cystic Ovarian Disease/Syndrome aka PCOS. At my doctors visit I was told that if I wanted children it would be very difficult if not impossible and that I would need to start young. Being a christian this meant waiting til marriage and at the time I was single and had no sign of being married any time soon. The doctor went on to tell me that PCOS is one of the top causes of infertility. I remember being speechless and getting in my car and just sitting there. How could this be? Me? All I have ever wanted was children, to carry a baby for 9 months and to raise disciples and children of God. So many thoughts and question ran through my head. I struggled with my diagnoses for a while before I had to let go of worry and let God take control, and he did.
About a year after being diagnosed I reconnected with a childhood friend, who I started dating, quickly became engaged to and married a year after our engagement. The worries of being older before being able to try for children quickly faded. Bronson knew from the beginning about my PCOS and knew that the journey could be tough for having a family. We sat down and talked about when we would like to start a family and have a baby in our arms. Our plan was to become pregnant while Bronson was finishing his BA, to have a couple months pregnant but without a baby once he graduated and then to have a baby by the holidays of 2010. Well, God obviously had and has a different plan for us.
After a few months of not becoming pregnant we started clomid. After three failed clomid treatments, we were sent to the "Big Guns" a fertility specialist. He told us our options were 1) hormone injections which were very costly, painful, and did not have a high success rate. Or option 2) a surgical procedure called ovarian drilling which was not as costly, had a great success rate, and could help my PCOS for the rest of my life. Of course we went with the obvious option 2. The success rate is this...Within 90 days of surgery 40% of woman have a period and have ovulated. Good news, but what about the other 60%? Well, if after 90 days the woman does not ovulate she will be put back on clomid to which 50% of woman will respond to now. So, that is a total of 90% who will have success from this surgery. As most of you know, I had the surgery, and was told to wait for a period. Well, I can honestly tell you that I have never been so excited to see blood in my life! I started my period exactly 30 days after my surgery. I called all my family and close friends ecstatic with the news! I felt the surgery had worked and that things were starting to look up! Well God again, quickly brought me back to reality when I went in for test to check my ovulation levels and was told that no, I had not ovulated and that we had to just sit back and wait....again.
It has been so hard on me. It is hard to be happy for our friends that are left and right drinking that "magical water". I can not attend most baby showers and seeing pregnant woman can instantly change my mood from happy to tears. The only thing keeping me going, other than a wonderful, positive, encouraging husband is my faith. I continuously have to remind myself that if I live the Christian life I am supposed to God will bless our home and our family. Proverbs 16:1 says We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer. Our answer is "not right now" and I have to keep my faith strong while waiting for the answer of "It is your turn"
God often gives us trials to go through. He does this so we will rely on him. I hope that y'all will follow us on our journey. I hope that you will pray for us and reminds us that our time is coming.
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